Many of us who might be shy, timid, introverted, or struggle with social anxiety may have difficulty with “love, share, and invite.” One student at BYU-Hawaii had a fear of asking girls for a date. His was a crippling fear of rejection. Ironically, he had been a successful missionary, contacting and teaching and testifying without hesitation. When asked “What made the difference?” He replied, “Oh, when people rejected us or our message, I didn’t worry because they weren’t rejecting me, they were rejecting the missionary name tag.” In hindsight, I should have gotten him a name tag like the one we saw at BYU Education Week. An older brother had added in bold red letters above the name tags we were given “WIDOWED AND LOOKING.”

Anticipated rejection is one of the core obstacles in developing healthy relationships. During therapy in prison, the men were taught to “anticipate acceptance” and don’t over-personalize rejection. Maybe the person you’re asking out is looking for someone taller or shorter, thinner or bigger, with more hair or brown hair or blonde hair, with or without glasses, etc. etc. Or maybe they’re just having a bad day and it’s not about you at all.

On my mission as a young man in France, not many people were interested in our message. What gave us hope was a Sunday evening devotional where new converts told their story. All of them had an average of four contacts with church members or missionaries before they had the time and the interest to listen to the message of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. Then they listened, felt the Spirit, were converted and baptized. So, whenever we were rejected, I thought maybe we were the first or second or third contact. And we keep on going.

In every case, we can start with “hello.” And be confident that the Lord knows and loves all of His children and things will work out.

Adjusting to Missionary Life offers the following suggestions [and they can be modified for dating, getting to know ward members, co-workers, and neighbors, interacting with family, etc.]:

  • Identify and use your strengths. Some people find talking with people energizing; others find it tiring. Both types of people can be effective missionaries. If you are someone who becomes weary talking with strangers, don’t give up trying. You have other strengths to contribute to missionary work, such as being a good friend to those you know well, having creative ideas, being insightful about people, or excelling at planning. You may assume others don’t like you, even though they really do. Seek inspiration and listen to the Spirit to help you use your strengths in His service and develop more of the attributes of Christ that you have access to as a missionary. You represent Jesus Christ, not yourself.
  • Learn to ask inspired questions. Learn and practice questions to get other people talking. Ask people about their work, hobbies, family, or personal history. Ask about what matters most to them, what they yearn for or worry about. Listen for opportunities to testify of a gospel principle that will be relevant to them. Show your sincere interest. Be willing to answer their questions about you as well, keeping the focus on their needs and your message.
  • Find simple ways to get others’ attention. Try simply smiling, making eye contact, waving, saying hello, paying them a compliment, offering help, or asking questions that start with who, what, when, where, why, or how.
  • Make a goal to get to know one new person at every meeting you attend. Use the person’s name in the first minute and when you end the conversation. Write down the name to help you remember.
  • Give yourself permission to sound confident, even if you don’t feel it.The counsel President Hinckley received from his father can apply to you as well: “Forget yourself and go to work” (Ensign, July 1987, 7). We can do this by ignoring our fears about our own performance and refocusing on our calling to serve others and preach the gospel.
  • Focus on helping and ministering to others.As you turn your attention to others’ needs, you will feel less self-conscious about your own needs or inadequacies (see Mosiah 2:17).

May the Lord continue to bless us as we strive to create and maintain healthy, meaningful relationships for now and for eternity.