Dear and wise friends were struggling with their 4-year-old son who liked to scandalize his older sisters by occasionally spouting the word “poopy.” This was an especially big problem since the girls were so earnest about doing what was right. When the boy blurted the word, the sisters became indignant and ran to parents who tried all the usual things to get their son to modify his vocabulary. Nothing worked.
The parents realized that what they were doing was not working. Rather than amp up the pressure on the son, they chose to consider why their son might be doing as he was. They realized that his amazing sisters were praised often and generously for their many accomplishments. He, the younger brother, had neither the patience nor the maturity to compete with them on their ground. Using an inflammatory word was a guaranteed way for him to get attention. It kept the family in an uproar.
The parents wisely decided to do two things: decrease the attention on the offending word AND provide added opportunities for the boy to shine. It took only a matter of days before the offending word disappeared from the boy’s vocabulary.
We all feel divided at times, frustrated and torn by specific parenting dilemmas. We feel an impulse to act in one way—but have a nagging uncertainty. Am I really doing (or planning to do) the right thing? Other times, we simply don’t know what to do. That feeling of perplexity is a common burden of parenting.
Think of a parenting challenge that you have been wrestling with. Maybe you have continuing tension in your relationship with one child. Or maybe you worry about the decisions of another. Close your eyes and revisit times when you’ve felt a concern about one of your children. Have that situation in mind as you work through these five principles.
1. Be a flourishing person.
When we are unhappy, frustrated, angry, confused, aimless, and empty, we won’t be doing our best work as parents. While we may not be in such extreme places very often, even small doses of unhappiness (or stress or frustration) can get in the way of effective parenting. We’ve all experienced that.
Before we make big parenting decisions or before dealing with big parenting challenges, we need to get our minds and hearts right. (Actually, before we make even small parenting decisions, we need to get our minds and hearts right.) So, we start not by focusing on the child and the problem, but by focusing on God. We should not enter into the sacred and delicate business of difficult parenting without being armed with the love of God. We cannot deal with difficulties unless that fire is burning within us right now.
So, before undertaking any problem-solving venture, fill yourself with that love. Let any troubles be “swallowed up in the joy of Christ” (Alma 31:38).
If you cannot get to such a place of joy right now, put off the problem-solving self-dialogue until you can. Do not try to solve eternal problems with puny mortal tools. Wait. Wait until you feel His love burning in your heart.
The surest sign that we are filled with the love of God is that we feel loving toward the people in our lives—even the annoying ones. Do you feel loving toward the child who is currently confusing or frustrating you? When you feel His love and goodness coursing through you, you are ready to solve the problems that burden your family.
2. Have compassion.
Let’s assume that you have thought of a specific parenting challenge that you are dealing with. You are probably very familiar with your logic in the conflict. You may have spent hours thinking about a child’s bad behavior and what terrible things it means about the child’s character. You may have even worried about the long-term consequences for a child who would act that way.
But half of the story tends to get neglected: the child’s side. We know our perceptions, our concerns, our indignation—but we rarely know or understand the child’s story.
What is life like for my child? What is he or she worried about, burdened by, hurt by? What are the child’s concerns and life challenges?
What might my child be trying to tell me with this behavior? Maybe the child is saying “I need to feel respected by you. I need you to engage in a discussion with me and try to understand me.” Or the child may be saying “You keep changing your mind and you’re making me crazy!” Or the child may be saying something entirely different. But, when we can get out of our own concerns and complaints and try to walk a day in their slippers, we may get vital information about what they really want.
There are a lot of sensible reasons that children do what they do. They may feel tired, sick, or lonely. They may not know any better. They may be afraid, stressed, or anxious. They may want to feel accepted by their friends. They may want to draw us into their lives. They may be desperate for our love and attention.
This is a key concept to remember: Children do what they do for reasons that make sense to them. When their actions do not make sense to us, it is not because they are bad or crazy; it is because we don’t yet understand them.
I am not suggesting that children always have good reasons for what they do; but they do have reasons that make sense to them. When we understand their reasons, their logic, their objectives, we will be better able to help them.
It may be helpful to discuss the child with another person who loves that child. The insight of another person can enrich our understanding.
But, of course, compassion is more than understanding why the child does as he or she does. Compassion includes feeling their struggle and pain. That alone is challenging. But then we need to communicate that compassion if it is to be effective. Somehow, we need to show our children we are touched by their struggles and pain. They need to know that we are touched by the feeling of their infirmity.
So, this foundation for solving our parenting problems involves both understanding our children’s perspectives AND showing them that we understand. To communicate your compassion, I encourage you to use statements that focus on them and their feelings.
You must be tired of that.
You wonder if it will ever work out.
Did you feel humiliated?
I bet you wish things were different.
It is only when the child feels genuinely understood and valued that real negotiation can take place.
3. Nurture them consistently.
Once we are feeling peaceful and compassionate, we are ready to craft the message of love that will help the child feel personally valued.
While we may deeply love our children, our present irritation can override our message of love. We don’t have the right to correct anyone we don’t love. Love gives us the right to be in a person’s life and the right to influence them.
When we want to cover up our mistakes, prove we are right, or control another person, we have no power (See D&C 121:34-7). Power comes from love. But it is a different kind of power that comes from love. It is not the kind of power that compels action; it is the kind of power that invites shared growth.
So, once we are feeling peaceful and compassionate (steps 1 and 2 in this process), we are ready to craft the message of love that will help the child feel personally valued.
In parenting we often keep the focus firmly fixed on irritations. “Why can’t you ever . . .?” “When will you learn . . .?” We seem to assume that the way to improve children is driving them out of their misdeeds and misbehavior. That doesn’t work.
Consider God’s process. He starts by loving us. In fact, “we love him because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19). He wins our hearts with his love and goodness. Of course, it is worth noting that His love does not make Him surrender to our tantrums. While He loves us with all His heart, He unfailingly honors law.
The spirit of irritation must not be the governing principle as we work with our children. Quite the contrary. Love is the prerequisite to a healthy relationship.
Rather than focus on the problems we’re trying to solve, nurture invites us to focus on the goodness in our children—on their finest moments, their greatest qualities, and their purest intentions. As we fill our hearts with love for them, we are prepared to solve problems in the Lord’s way.
4. Guide them effectively.
The enormous challenge in guidance is to remember its purpose. It is not about making children pay for mistakes but about helping them learn from experience—and there is a vast difference between those two objectives. We are likely to be confused about the difference unless we have peace, compassion, and love in our hearts.
Proper guidance is filled with God’s trademark goodness. It is He who has commanded us to bring up our children in light and truth. It is He whose creativity is filled with lilting goodness.
Rather than hearts filled with a shriveled “no!” we can have hearts that are filled with a bigger, more gracious “yes!” Rather than lecture (and insult) our children about their forgetfulness, we can make a game out of turning off the lights, closing the doors, picking up socks. Rather than get angry when a child leaves his bike on the lawn, maybe we scoop him up in our arms and ask him to solve the mystery of the mislaid bike. Rather than ground children to the end of time, maybe we invite them to help us find solutions to our differences.
Sure, there will be consequences. There may be groundings. There will be lost privileges. But the focus must be on teaching, strengthening, and improving. The best guidance leads to better actions and closer relationships.
Once, a sweet mama asked me for counsel in dealing with her 3-year-old son who had suddenly become crazy every time she vacuumed the floor. She was a kind and compassionate person, but she wondered if the only solution was timeout or punishment for the boy. I asked her about what was happening in their family life. Mom was vacuuming more often since she had an infant who was starting to play on the floor. In fact, mama was vacuuming at least once a day instead of the usual weekly routine.
We cannot know exactly what the new vacuuming regimen meant to the 3-year-old. Maybe it seemed to him that every time he started to play, the vacuum came after him.
I suggested that she discuss a vacuuming schedule with her son. Maybe he preferred that she vacuum when he was gone to a neighbor’s house. Maybe she could just alert him and he would retire to his room while she vacuumed. Maybe he could help her vacuum.
She had a discussion with her son and they settled on a vacuuming schedule. Her son’s outbursts disappeared.
Not every problem will follow this pattern. But every parenting challenge is properly addressed with compassion, nurture, and wise guidance. We must be careful that we do not wield parenting power recklessly. Power may gain compliance when children are small but it generates resentment that bubbles up in adolescence. If we live by the sword, we will die by the sword.
5. Have an Eternal Purpose
Part of the problem of parenting is that we are repeatedly blindsided by problems. We are marching merrily through life when a child punches his sister or she throws a tantrum. Family life is perfectly designed to stretch our character.
God gave us family life as much as anything so we could have lots of practice at keeping an eternal perspective. Family life invites us to sacrifice our convenience and preferences in order to bless people who are still learning. Parenting regularly stretches us toward godliness. Parenting is designed to turn our attention to eternal relationships.
Imagine eternity with you and your children glorified. Keep that vision in mind as you deal with the daily challenges of parenting.
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