I must admit that I had similar feelings to your husband's several years ago. He loves you for what you're able to provide for him and "loves" her for what she has been able to offer him. It's like he's trying to squeeze the best of both personality traits into one being but is not able to do so so why not keep both of you? He can have all of this in one being and that being is you, his wife. Communication with much prayer and fasting is the key.
What happened to me? It's true, it's lust and selfishness. From experience, I ended up in the situation because I felt my husband was not spending adequate time with me. I felt alone. He worked long hours. It seem he preferred to work rather than spend time with me. Come to find out, years later when I finally revealed the affair, he was stressed out about supporting our family and making ends meet. Had we communicated from the beginning, I am sure things wouldn't have turned out the way they did.
My affair is posted at illegallyloved.blogspot.com to read about the feelings I had during the time being. It may give you an insight on his feelings somewhat. When I finally came to my senses, I separated from my husband without revealing the affair, moved out of the state with my children, and broke off all contact with the other man under the direction of the Bishop. It helped me figure out who I truly loved, my husband or him. Going back to daily prayers and scripture reading, I came to realize true love for my husband. The remembrance of his patience, the sacrifice, and his willingness to improve caused me to confess and deal with what comes along.
John von KMay 4, 2016
This is unfair to many of the singles in the church, there are only so many sisters to go around. If he has two, another bloke will have none.
BriApril 29, 2016
I am going through the EXACT same thing right now. Husband of 9 years... really active members... met a girl at work and poof. Now he's gone and decided he wants to "get it out of his system". She dumped him after their affair but he is still riding that "high" and is not sorry or wanting to change and wants an open marriage or divorce. So crazy. I would stay if he was sorrowful AT ALL but since he's not, I felt the spirit tell me to divorce. Weird, since I never though ending an eternal marriage would ever be an option, even in the case of infidelity but it's what I was told to do. Pray Pray Pray. As long as you keep your covenants the Lord will not abandon you and you will be blessed.
Reverse ScenarioApril 29, 2016
I'm the husband in a similar but reversed scenario where my wife is the one who has had the affair. I can sympathize with the wife in the story and appreciated the advice given. I am not telling anyone else what they should do, but I have prayed very long and very hard on many occasions and--at least for me--the answer is not to dump her or boot her out. I am very hurt by what she did, but I married for eternity and those are covenants that I'm not willing to let go of lightly (even if she currently seems to think she is). It would be so easy (in the short term) to simply blow it all off, but I still love her, she is a great mother to our kids, and I know that she will eventually regret what she did. Will we eventually be able to patch things up? I don't honestly know at this point. I hope we can, but it will take a lot of very hard work on both sides. I am doing my part. Our bishop has been helpful to each of us. My advice would be to pray about what to do, put full faith and trust in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, and follow the Spirit. If he is truly unwilling to repent, then unfortunately there may be nothing that can be done to save the marriage. If, however, he is willing to start the repentance process, then perhaps there is hope. In either case, I feel your pain and wish you the best.
CharlieBrown2292April 29, 2016
This is not just about whether your husband will decide whether to leave this woman and stay with you or not, but whether he will come to grips with the selfishness in his motives, honestly repent, and experience a true change of heart. Coming back to you just for personal convenience may not be enough after what happened, especially when the risk is high that he will have other affairs.
Glen M. DanielsenApril 29, 2016
I can see how a therapist's ability to counsel the client in these cases must be measured or cautious. Too bad. Because in-you-face reality should make the woman's choice is clear: Her idiot husband has already made his decision. Dump him. There should be no ambiguity. The negotiation can be extremely brief and pointed: get out of my house! Even the title of this article is a mealy-mouthed misnomer - "Husband Wants to Openly Love Another Woman." He doesn't want to love the woman, he wants a living doll. The wife does not have a 'hard question' -- that's nuts. Her course should be clear: boot him out, change the locks, get her own bank account, get a steely-eyed attorney and get ready for a custody fight. She must gather her faithful friends around her to support her. Too bad a therapist can't spell this out on the first visit -- it would save the wife from some of the tumult of uncertainty and confusion. Jerk has made his decision -- she must how make hers.
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ElizabethMay 8, 2016
I must admit that I had similar feelings to your husband's several years ago. He loves you for what you're able to provide for him and "loves" her for what she has been able to offer him. It's like he's trying to squeeze the best of both personality traits into one being but is not able to do so so why not keep both of you? He can have all of this in one being and that being is you, his wife. Communication with much prayer and fasting is the key. What happened to me? It's true, it's lust and selfishness. From experience, I ended up in the situation because I felt my husband was not spending adequate time with me. I felt alone. He worked long hours. It seem he preferred to work rather than spend time with me. Come to find out, years later when I finally revealed the affair, he was stressed out about supporting our family and making ends meet. Had we communicated from the beginning, I am sure things wouldn't have turned out the way they did. My affair is posted at illegallyloved.blogspot.com to read about the feelings I had during the time being. It may give you an insight on his feelings somewhat. When I finally came to my senses, I separated from my husband without revealing the affair, moved out of the state with my children, and broke off all contact with the other man under the direction of the Bishop. It helped me figure out who I truly loved, my husband or him. Going back to daily prayers and scripture reading, I came to realize true love for my husband. The remembrance of his patience, the sacrifice, and his willingness to improve caused me to confess and deal with what comes along.
John von KMay 4, 2016
This is unfair to many of the singles in the church, there are only so many sisters to go around. If he has two, another bloke will have none.
BriApril 29, 2016
I am going through the EXACT same thing right now. Husband of 9 years... really active members... met a girl at work and poof. Now he's gone and decided he wants to "get it out of his system". She dumped him after their affair but he is still riding that "high" and is not sorry or wanting to change and wants an open marriage or divorce. So crazy. I would stay if he was sorrowful AT ALL but since he's not, I felt the spirit tell me to divorce. Weird, since I never though ending an eternal marriage would ever be an option, even in the case of infidelity but it's what I was told to do. Pray Pray Pray. As long as you keep your covenants the Lord will not abandon you and you will be blessed.
Reverse ScenarioApril 29, 2016
I'm the husband in a similar but reversed scenario where my wife is the one who has had the affair. I can sympathize with the wife in the story and appreciated the advice given. I am not telling anyone else what they should do, but I have prayed very long and very hard on many occasions and--at least for me--the answer is not to dump her or boot her out. I am very hurt by what she did, but I married for eternity and those are covenants that I'm not willing to let go of lightly (even if she currently seems to think she is). It would be so easy (in the short term) to simply blow it all off, but I still love her, she is a great mother to our kids, and I know that she will eventually regret what she did. Will we eventually be able to patch things up? I don't honestly know at this point. I hope we can, but it will take a lot of very hard work on both sides. I am doing my part. Our bishop has been helpful to each of us. My advice would be to pray about what to do, put full faith and trust in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, and follow the Spirit. If he is truly unwilling to repent, then unfortunately there may be nothing that can be done to save the marriage. If, however, he is willing to start the repentance process, then perhaps there is hope. In either case, I feel your pain and wish you the best.
CharlieBrown2292April 29, 2016
This is not just about whether your husband will decide whether to leave this woman and stay with you or not, but whether he will come to grips with the selfishness in his motives, honestly repent, and experience a true change of heart. Coming back to you just for personal convenience may not be enough after what happened, especially when the risk is high that he will have other affairs.
Glen M. DanielsenApril 29, 2016
I can see how a therapist's ability to counsel the client in these cases must be measured or cautious. Too bad. Because in-you-face reality should make the woman's choice is clear: Her idiot husband has already made his decision. Dump him. There should be no ambiguity. The negotiation can be extremely brief and pointed: get out of my house! Even the title of this article is a mealy-mouthed misnomer - "Husband Wants to Openly Love Another Woman." He doesn't want to love the woman, he wants a living doll. The wife does not have a 'hard question' -- that's nuts. Her course should be clear: boot him out, change the locks, get her own bank account, get a steely-eyed attorney and get ready for a custody fight. She must gather her faithful friends around her to support her. Too bad a therapist can't spell this out on the first visit -- it would save the wife from some of the tumult of uncertainty and confusion. Jerk has made his decision -- she must how make hers.
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