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Question
My spouse of almost four years moved out a couple of months ago. We went on a scheduled vacation together two weeks after he moved out and had an amazing time. We really reconnected and even talked about our future together. He felt we both needed counseling in order to work out some issues we had together and I agreed. This past week my mom passed away and, of course, I have been an emotional wreck. I asked him to come see me the other day and he said he would. Not only did he not come see me, but he also isn’t answering my calls or texts. I feel completely abandoned by him. I don’t know what to do. Do I continue trying to contact him or do I back off and let him come to me?
Answer
First of all, I’m terribly sorry to hear of your mother’s passing. The timing of all these events is tragic, to say the least. Not only are you grieving the loss of your mother, you’re now dealing with the ambiguous loss of your husband. You’re in a vulnerable situation and are naturally looking for some type of comfort. Of course, the tragic irony in all of this is that your main source of comfort (your husband) is now becoming your major source of pain.
I don’t know the particulars of your marriage and why he chose separation. I also don’t know why he’s currently ignoring you. I’m sure he has his reasons, but either way, he’s sending you a clear message about his level of willingness to be your husband. This is tough to say, but please see that you can either deny this reality or accept it. This is an agonizing reality to face, but your peace of mind depends on it.
Since you’re getting mixed signals from him, it’s a good opportunity for you to move carefully, regardless if he shows up or not. In James 1:8, we’re taught that a “double minded man is unstable in all his ways.” It’s time for you to get clear about the kind of relationship you want with him. He’s moved from separation to connection, then back to separation, and now abandonment. If you keep calling him, there is a risk of sending the signal that you’re willing to tolerate this type of back-and-forth treatment. This will only perpetuate an insecure connection that will require you to continue seeking his reassurance. Please get clear on the message you want to send back to him, as he’s already sending you clear messages.
If you want a secure relationship, then you can’t do all of the work pulling him close to you. A covenant is a two-way agreement and won’t work if you’re the only one making commitments.[i] A secure relationship is built on both partners being accessible and responsive to each other’s needs, fears, pain, and longings. There’s work to do and you both need to show up equally.
If he won’t be honest with you and share his true intentions, then all you can do is observe what he does and then determine your best response. He’s shown you closeness, distance, and complete avoidance. Only you can decide which of these behaviors is the truth. If he does surface again, then I recommend you head straight to a marriage counselor who can help you both slow down the roller coaster of emotions and behaviors so you can have a chance at a secure relationship with each other.
Geoff will answer a new family and relationship question every Friday. You can email your question to him at ge***@lo************.com
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About the Author
Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in St. George, UT. He is the owner of Alliant Counseling and Education (www.alliantcounseling.com) and the founding director of LifeStar of St. George, an outpatient treatment program for couples and individuals impacted by pornography and sexual addiction (www.lifestarstgeorge.com). He is the co-author of “Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity”, available at Deseret Book, and the audio series “Strengthening Recovery Through Strengthening Marriage”, available at www.geoffsteurer.com. He also writes a weekly relationship column for the St. George News (www.stgnews.com). Geoff also hosts the Illuminate Podcast (https://soundcloud.com/geoff-steurer/sets/illuminate-podcast) and has produced programs and resources to help couples rebuild broken trust. He holds a bachelors degree from BYU in communications studies and a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy from Auburn University. He served a full-time mission to the Dominican Republic. He is married to Jody Young Steurer and they are the parents of four children.
You can connect with him at:
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCc05gV4t9A0B8-TDT1EfWhQ?view_as=subscriber
Website: www.lovingmarriage.com
Twitter: @geoffsteurer
Facebook: www.facebook.com/GeoffSteurerMFT
Instagram: @geoffsteurer
[i] https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/bd/covenant?lang=eng
MaryannAugust 9, 2019
The reason you "feel completely abandoned by him" is because you have been! Time to stop calling him and to accept the fact that you cannot save this marriage alone. The most important point made in this article is that marriage is a two way comittment. You cannot heal this marriage without his support. If he doesn't contact you, I would end the marriage and start looking for a man who is ready to truly commit himself to you.
DMJuly 31, 2019
I agree with Leigh, Reasonable and gives him the choice to declare or not.