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Question
My husband and I are divorcing in the coming months. My kids have no idea this is happening. He wasnât faithful to me and refused to get any help to save our marriage. To say Iâm devastated would be a serious understatement. Iâm writing you because I want to know how I can help my children not develop an identity of someone from a broken home. Even though they are going to lose their family, as they know it, I want them to be confident and not feel like theyâre bad because they come from a divorced family. Is there a way I can do this?
Answer
Your children are fortunate to have you in their lives. I can tell youâre going to do everything you can to help your children through this mess so they can build strong futures. When going through betrayal, itâs easy to get pulled into your own narrow vortex of despair and hopelessness and completely ignore the emotional needs of your children. Even though your family is going to be fragmented, there are things you can do to build resilience in your children.
First, make sure they know this divorce had absolutely nothing to do with their behavior. Children are egocentric and will believe something they did or didnât do caused the demise of the marriage. After they learn about the impending divorce, they may start to do things to save the marriage. If you see them acting out of character (i.e., being extra obedient or helpful), identify what you see happening and let them know they canât save the marriage with their behavior. Express appreciation and love for their efforts and identify how fearful they must be to see their family change.
Next, donât shroud the divorce and resultant changes in secrecy and shame. Your children need to know itâs okay to talk about this with others, each other, and with you. They need to know they can talk about it for as long as they need to. You need to answer their questions directly and age-appropriately. They have to know that this isnât something they should hide. If your children struggle to talk, purchase them special journals where they privately write their feelings and thoughts.
Err on the side of closeness with your children. They may not have a lot to say, as their feelings are going to be profoundly complex. Proximity is key. You have to stay close to them. Itâs easier for them to tell you to give them space then it is for them to ask you to come close. Make it easy for them to be close to you, even if youâre not talking about anything significant.
Itâs also helpful for you to become educated on how divorce will affect your childrenâs emotional and relational world. I like Elizabeth Marquardtâs book, âBetween Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce.â She is a child of divorce and has extensively studied the long-term effects of divorce on children as they progress into adulthood. Talk with your children about what to expect as they go through the coming months and years following the divorce. They need to know theyâre not bad or weird for feeling these things.
The divorce isnât your fault, but it is your responsibility to now prepare yourself and your children to know whatâs coming down the road. Your children are less likely to feel broken if you can identify the growth that your family is experiencing from these struggles. You can be honest about the struggles, but itâs also to be honest about the growth. This unexpected crisis will present you and your children with new opportunities to grow and heal.
Your children will run the risk of feeling afraid of forming families of their own. This shame can paralyze them from taking a chance on love. It can cause them and others to believe that kids from divorced families are ticking time bombs. While I agree that divorce affects future relationships, children who come from divorced homes are often asked to examine their own beliefs and feelings about what they want in a way children from intact families never have to.
In fact, Elizabeth Marquardt feels that children from divorced families can make great marriage partners. Even though there is work to do to heal from the effects of divorce, children of divorce can learn to live in a healthy marriage and family. She says that, âchildren of divorce value marriage because we know what life is like when itâs gone. We grew up fast and we know how to take care of ourselves. Many of us are, frankly, quite wonderful. Marry us.â[i]
Geoff will answer a new family and relationship question every Friday. You can email your question to him at ge***@lo************.com
About the Author
Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in St. George, UT. He is the owner of Alliant Counseling and Education (www.alliantcounseling.com) and the founding director of LifeStar of St. George, an outpatient treatment program for couples and individuals impacted by pornography and sexual addiction (www.lifestarstgeorge.com). He is the co-author of âLove You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelityâ, available at Deseret Book, and the audio series âStrengthening Recovery Through Strengthening Marriageâ, available at www.marriage-recovery.com. He also writes a weekly relationship column for the St. George News (www.stgnews.com). He holds a bachelors degree from BYU in communications studies and a masterâs degree in marriage and family therapy from Auburn University. He served a full-time mission to the Dominican Republic. He is married to Jody Young Steurer and they are the parents of four children.
You can connect with him at:
Website: www.lovingmarriage.com
Twitter: @geoffsteurer
Facebook: www.facebook.com/GeoffSteurerMFT
[i] Â https://www.huffingtonpost.com/elizabeth-marquardt/the-new-stigmachildren-of_b_781149.html
SabrinaApril 5, 2016
I'm sure the wife is reading this, and I just want to say to her that I am sorry she has to deal with such heartbreak. I'm sure if she could have helped save the marriage she would have. Sometimes marriages cannot be salvaged because one party doesn't want to. I hope you will have peace and comfort during this awful time.
dave mcfarlandApril 4, 2016
My answer: DON'T GET DIVORCED! Be an adult and work it out. 85% of people who divorce after 5 years deeply regret that they did it. If you made covenants in the temple, divorce is NOT without severe consequences. The Lord calls it adultery four times in the New Testament and once in the Book of Mormon. It is evil. It is wrong. Don't put this burden on your children. DON'T get divorced.