When I was a divorced single person, a recent divorcee I had attended high school with, who had been married and divorced a couple of times, told me that she didn’t intend to marry again because she had a “bad picker” (meaning she is a bad chooser of men). Anxiety about choosing unwisely again is a serious impediment to a lot of good people dating and marrying in their middle years.  Robert Taibbi, LCSW, wrote in Psychology Today in February 2024, that divorce rates in second marriages are 67 percent and in third marriages are 73 percent. Some attribute these elevated statistics to a “bad picker.” Others suggest that people who get divorced are simply bad at marriage and not a good bet. Still others explain the elevated divorce statistics by the fact that, once a person has been divorced the first time, it is easier to cross that line again.

These statistics prompt the question whether it is worth trying again and, if so, how to try differently both in the spouse selection phase and during the marriage. I suggest the following tips to help you beat the odds when venturing into marriage for the second or third time:

  1. Mitigate for trauma and cognitive distortions. In your prior marriage, you likely experienced trauma in some form. You likely had a major trauma if your first spouse cheated on you. That kind of trauma may manifest in future relationships with excessive jealousy or paranoia, or an obsessive need to check up on a new spouse. Other traumas may be of the micro-trauma variety, such as a spouse repeatedly making condescending comments, repeatedly over years. The cumulative effect of many micro-traumas over years could manifest as excessive sensitivity to innocuous comments that may remind the traumatized person of the genuinely hurtful or demeaning comments of a former spouse.Cognitive distortion is where a person misinterprets things and consistently reinforces negative beliefs or emotions. For example, a man who believes he is unattractive to women might interpret a woman’s need to move on after a brief conversation in the grocery store as a rejection when she has is hurrying to to pick her child up from soccer practice on time. Such distortions seem real and feel real, and they reinforce our fears and insecurities.We can mitigate the impact of trauma and cognitive distortions by holding off on making any permanent decisions or even interpretations when we are triggered. When we are feeling disrupted, our survival instincts are activated, and we may be inclined to overreact and say destructive things. For example, a spouse that has been betrayed may notice his or her spouse having a friendly but harmless conversation with an opposite sex friend at a social event and start suspecting an affair and lashing out at his or her spouse.You are well-advised to delay judgment until you are feeling peaceful inside. We also benefit from serious self-reflection and self-talk, which can allow us to second-guess fearful thoughts. As Paul wrote, “God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7). Our fearful thoughts are not the Holy Ghost and they do not come from God.
  1. Resist getting into a rebound relationship. After a divorce it is common to feel lonely and believe you are “back at the starting line” because you are “starting over” in the realm of marriage and family. So, there is an understandable temptation to rush into a relationship to fill the lonely void and replace what we have lost in the family realm. Hurrying a relationship is usually a mistake. Once you come out of the fog of grief and emotional pain, you may find that your partner was just filling a role in your life, but not the long-term partner you really wanted.For a while after divorce, we tend to reflexively look for the exact opposite kind of person from the one who hurt us. Instead of making the same mistakes, we make all new ones. We need to heal enough to recognize our own part in the divorce, and to think more deeply about what we want a new relationship to look like.After I was divorced, I knew I was not ready for a new marriage, either financially or emotionally. I dated for fun and companionship, but straightforwardly told all my dating partners that I was not ready for anything serious. I referred to this practice as “sport dating” because it was just for fun and friendship—without serious intentions. If you are going to date in the early aftermath of your divorce, I recommend dating widely, non-seriously, and for friendship. Make the decision to re-enter the dating world when you have taken some time to heal and approach your dating journey with more intention and less emotion.
  1. Intentional Personal Development. In a revelation entitled “The Olive Leaf” the Prophet Joseph Smith revealed that:“[I]nteligence cleaveth unto intelligence; wisdom receiveth wisdom; truth embraceth truth; virtue loveth virtue; light cleaveth unto light; mercy hath compassion on mercy and claimeth her own; justice continueth its course and claimeth its own; judgment goeth before the face of him who sitteth upon the throne and governeth and executeth all things” (Doctrine & Covenants 88:40).In plain English, we attract what we are. If you want to attract a partner that is spiritually minded, spend time cultivating spirituality. If you want a partner who is warm and friendly, work on becoming warm and friendly yourself. If you are a mentally healthy person who is striving for healthy relationships, you will attract what you are.On the other hand, the mentally unhealthy will validate the observations that “opposites attract.” Narcissists attract codependents. Controlling personalities attract compliant personalities and visa-versa. Abusers and rescuers are another such pairing. Those with anxious and those with avoidant attachment styles also sometimes attract one another. Unhealthy people tend to attract their opposites because they are trying to compensate for some imbalance in themselves. The best way to avoid this trap is to learn to solve your own problems and show up to relationships in loving strength. Don’t seek to solve problems with a relationship. Relationships tend to create more problems than they solve.Love is not based on need. If someone needs you, she cannot freely choose you. I cannot freely choose oxygen because I “need” it to survive. If I don’t need my wife, I am free to choose and prefer her. Make sure you are free to choose and refrain from marrying to meet a need that is yours alone to meet. Needs tend to place heavy and smothering burdens on a relationship.
  2. Recognize your own part in your divorce. Early in the process of separation and giving up on the marriage it is common to interpret your story by constructing a narrative that makes your spouse the bad person who is completely to blame for the downfall of the marriage. Accordingly, many believe if they can just choose a better spouse next time, the marriage will succeed. But life is rarely that simple. During the initial phase of my divorce, I read an important book a friend had recommended that helped me see my part in the divorce. I fought with the book and cross-examined the author in my mind. Ultimately, I surrendered and admitted to myself that, despite good intentions, I had made mistakes too. My current and forever marriage is very different from my first because my approach to it is different because of things I have learned on my personal development journey.
  3. Be very intentional. If you want to beat the odds and have a second, or even third, marriage go the distance, the most important key is to be intentional. You can govern your marriage with emotion or intention, and that will make all the difference. When you are triggered and feeling afraid or enraged (which are really the same thing) will you express the dysregulated emotions you feel, or will you say to yourself “I am not going to speak about this until I am at peace.” If you let emotions rule, you will do lasting damage in such interactions. If you choose to follow the agreements you make to control your emotions and discuss the issues when you are at peace, you will build trust in your partner. The difference between these two separate ways of being is to be intentional—to act and not to be acted upon (2 Nephi 2:26).

A marriage at midlife can be the greatest blessing of your life—though happiness is neither easy nor automatic. But the wisdom of years, a willingness to look at yourself honestly and do the work to become the kind of partner you would like to be with and, above all, to live your life and relationship in a very intentional way can bring the sweetest relationship you will experience in eternity.

Resource:
Intentional Courtship can help in this journey.

About the Author
Jeff Teichert, and his wife Cathy Butler Teichert, are the founders of “Love in Later Years,” which ministers to Latter-day Saint single adults seeking peace, healing, and more joyful relationships. They are co-authors of the Amazon bestseller Intentional Courtship: A Mid-Singles Guide to Peace, Progress and Pairing Up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Jeff and Cathy each spent nearly a decade in the mid-singles community and they use that experience to provide counsel and hope to mid-singles and later married couples through written articles, podcasts, and videos. Jeff and Cathy are both Advanced Certified Life Coaches and have university degrees in Family & Human Development. They are the parents of a blended family that includes four handsome sons, one lovely daughter-in-law, and two sweet little granddaughters.

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