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Question
I am a widow. I was married for 20 years before my husband died. I was sealed to him when originally married. The last ten years of the marriage were really rough due to his failing health and horrible behavior. Even through all of that, I love him (although I still get upset when I recall his horrible behavior which made my life miserable).
He’s been gone for two years and I’m lonely. I have jumped into the dating pool, but when I go out on dates, I feel like I am cheating on my dead husband. How do I overcome this? Is this a common issue for widows? Do divorcees also have this problem? The prospect of being alone for the rest of my mortal journey is disheartening.
Answer
You’ve been through some tough experiences in the past several years, so please know that your reactions and questions completely make sense. You lost your husband during a time when he wasn’t on his best behavior. You’ve started dating again, but feel mixed about loving someone else. I’ll do my best to share some thoughts on how you can move forward in this new chapter of your life.
It’s okay to have mixed feelings about your husband. In fact, your ability to hold space for opposing emotions is a sign of good mental health. It’s understandable that you feel both love and hurt when you remember your husband. It sounds like there was unfinished business when he passed. He had repairs to make in the relationship that weren’t resolved. The love you shared with him was just as real as the hurt you experienced.
It’s difficult to lose a loved one when there are unresolved issues. Conversations and scenarios get replayed in your mind seeking some form of closure. I wonder if it’s difficult for you to move forward with forming new relationships because you never had the chance to finish the relationship with your husband. That lack of closure can leave you feeling unsettled as you navigate new relationships.
If you’re mentally referencing your relationship with your husband to seek resolution, it’s not going to leave much room in your brain and heart to let in someone new. Take some time to focus on making peace with your marriage. Even though your husband isn’t here to help create closure, there are things you can do to move that process forward.
For example you can start writing letters to your deceased husband, write in a journal, create a closure ritual, talk through your feelings with a trusted friend, request a priesthood blessing, or seek professional counseling to help you reach a place of acceptance and peace with this relationship. You can’t really begin a new relationship until you have found peace and resolution with your previous relationship.
You may want to fight these feelings, telling yourself that it’s pointless because they’re in the past. My belief is that they’re very much in the present and continue to block your ability to freely move forward. Allow yourself to feel the full measure of your grief and sadness for the loss of your love, the years of hurt, and the loss of what could have been. These emotions won’t harm you, but refusing to feel them can be harmful to you mentally and even physically. As Henry Wadsworth Longfellow once said, “After all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.”
When you are in the company of a friend, church leader, or professional, your feelings will be easier to process and will likely produce more closure than if you grieve only in isolation. Make sure you open up about your struggle and let those close to you hear what this is like for you. We can face just about anything if we have support.
Please don’t put a timeline on when you’ll feel ready to date. There is no correct way to venture back into the world of dating after the loss of a spouse. The discomfort of opening up your heart in a romantic way to another person is completely normal. You gave your whole heart to your husband, even when he wasn’t careful with it. You clearly are a loyal and dedicated woman, so you’re not going to easily jump into a new love without some emotional turbulence.
Geoff will answer a new family and relationship question every Friday. You can email your question to him at ge***@************ge.com
About the Author
Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in St. George, UT. He is the owner of Alliant Counseling and Education (www.alliantcounseling.com) and the founding director of LifeStar of St. George, an outpatient treatment program for couples and individuals impacted by pornography and sexual addiction (www.lifestarstgeorge.com). He is the co-author of “Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity”, available at Deseret Book, and the audio series “Strengthening Recovery Through Strengthening Marriage”, available at www.marriage-recovery.com. He also writes a weekly relationship column for the St. George News (www.stgnews.com). He holds a bachelors degree from BYU in communications studies and a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy from Auburn University. He served a full-time mission to the Dominican Republic. He is married to Jody Young Steurer and they are the parents of four children.
You can connect with him at:
Website: www.lovingmarriage.com
Twitter: @geoffsteurer
Facebook: www.facebook.com/GeoffSteurerMFT
