For many of us, marriage wasn’t just a part of our lives; it was the scaffold upon which we built our entire identity. We spent years—perhaps decades—thinking, acting, and planning as “we.” When that marriage ends, the profound identity crisis that follows is more than just grief and loss. Many find themselves looking at the emotional and financial wreckage, thinking “I don’t even know who I am anymore.”
In an attempt to fill this vacuum, many quickly jump into new relationships, hoping to replace the old identity with a new one. When I got divorced and attended the state-required co-parenting class, the instructor told us that most divorcees cohabit within a year for financial reasons. Rushing into a new relationship is usually a mistake. We naturally gravitate toward the familiar and, without healing and increased self-understanding, we risk recreating the very dynamics that contributed to the first failure. Cathy and I often refer to the dating paradox: When you no longer need a relationship you are ready for one.
The best thing you can offer to a new partner—and eventually a spouse—is a healthy self. As the scripture reminds us, as a person “thinketh in his heart, so is he” (Proverbs 23:7). We are defined by our thoughts—not by the shifting and flawed opinions of others. If we rely on a spouse or our relationship status to supply our value, we give up our power to become the kings and queens our Father in Heaven designed us to be.
Rebuilding identity from the foundation requires a shift from external validation to internal truth. Here are three steps to finding an identity that cannot be shaken:
1. Ground Your Identity in the Love of God
The first great commandment is the starting point: “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind” (Matthew 22:37). We can love Him completely because He loves us perfectly. He will never betray us, and even when we do not understand His reasons, His actions toward us are always motivated by love.
Our true worth isn’t found in a marriage, but in our relationship with our Creator. As the Lord taught the prophet Samuel, “man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7). Only God knows what is in our hearts. When your identity is anchored in the “worth of souls” (Doctrine & Covenants 18:10), you realize you are God’s “workmanship” (Ephesians 2:10). Your identity is not as a “divorced person,” a “single,” or a “non-traditional church member.” You are a child of God and a disciple of Christ currently navigating a difficult season.
2. Love Your Neighbor—But Not More Than Yourself
The second commandment is “Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself” (Matthew 22:39). Focus on the words “as thyself.” If we understand that we are children of God, we must recognize that our neighbors are too. They deserve our love for the same reason we deserve our own love: divine heritage and divine nature. Our sense of self-worth comes from the knowledge that God loves us—not from what another person thinks.
A scriptural understanding of where our value originates is especially critical when you begin dating after divorce, because you are intentionally putting yourself in a position to be rejected. If your self-esteem is rooted in your faith that Jesus Christ loves you and died even for “the least of these” (Matthew 25:40), you can keep any dating rejection in perspective. A “no” from a potential dating partner or a “no longer” by a current one is merely a data point—not a reflection of your inherent worth. We love others because Jesus “first loved us” (1 John 4:19). Your value is intact regardless of whether another specific person notices or sees it.
About the time I met Cathy, I was also non-exclusively dating another woman who I was getting along well with. After several dates, this partner told me she had a revelation to stop dating me. I accepted her explanation. What choice did I have? But I received her statement that God wanted her to stop dating me as an attack on my value. I subtly inferred that this partner felt God did not think I was good enough for her—and it hurt.
I don’t doubt this partner’s intention, and I don’t really believe she thought she was better than me. My inference was based on trauma from former relationships. I think this partner was telling me she had received a personal revelation that we were not the right fit for each other—that we should be patient and God would bring us both partners that were better suited to us. This former dating partner has remained a good friend to Cathy and me, and we have occasionally gone on double dates with her and her husband. On one of the first of these double dates, the husband told me, “I think everything ended up the way God intended.” I couldn’t agree more. But, at the time, I felt rejected and “less than.” So many singles feel this way from time to time—and it prevents a lot of good people from venturing out into dating.
Many of us have struggled with unanswerable questions about why, after years of building a relationship and a family, our former spouses could just throw us away like garbage. Many of us have repeatedly questioned our own worth, asking ourselves over and over, “Why wasn’t I enough?” We need to keep reminding ourselves that the opinion of another person—even a very good person—is not source of our value. The fact that a particular person could not see our value—even after many years—does not mean we lack value. One day as I agonized over this question, I received the distinct and clear impression, “You are more than her opinion of you.” That revelation was a tender mercy.
No one loves being rejected. It is hard—and sometimes devastating where it means the loss of a relationship you cherished. But do not let it define you or consider it a reflection of your innate worth as a beloved son or daughter of Heavenly Parents. Talk back to those corrosive feelings and claim the limitless worth which no one can take from you.
3. Find Yourself by Losing Yourself
Self-esteem is a paradox. The more we obsessively focus on it, the more it seems to elude us. Jesus taught, “He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it” (Matthew 10:39).
Finding your identity doesn’t mean making yourself the center of the universe. Rather, we find our greatest fulfillment in creating connections and serving others. King Benjamin taught that “when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God” (Mosiah 2:17). By doing His works and serving His children (Galatians 5:13), we connect with the Divine. In that connection, the pain of our circumstances begins to melt away, replaced by the quiet confidence of knowing exactly who—and whose—we are.
In your relationships with dating partners, I encourage you to be kind. Sometimes we have to tell people things that are inherently hard to hear such as, “I am not interested in dating,” “I don’t think this relationship is going to work out,” or “You are a great person, but we are not a good fit.” A little pain is inevitable when giving a dating partner unwelcome news. But remember that the worth of souls is great in the sight of God, that Jesus loved and died for even the least among us, and that their value comes from the same source as yours. So be kind. Be reassuring. “Be a light, not a judge—a model, not a critic,” as my mission president, Robert West, used to remind us. Bring light and goodness to every relationship, whether you expect it to last forever or not.
Divorce leaves many of us with painful emotional scars and a battered sense of self-worth, and often a sense that we don’t really know who we are outside the context of the family we have spent years building. Remember that your worth comes from your divine heritage and divine destiny—and no one can take that from you. Be intentional about talking back to thoughts that would ground your worth on shifting sand rather than the rock of your Redeemer. Do this and you will emerge as a light-bearer to the world and a witness to the divine healing that comes from remembering who you really are.
Resource:
Intentional Courtship can help in this journey.
About the Author
Jeff Teichert, and his wife Cathy Butler Teichert, are the founders of “Love in Later Years,” which ministers to Latter-day Saint single adults seeking peace, healing, and more joyful relationships. They are co-authors of the Amazon bestseller Intentional Courtship: A Mid-Singles Guide to Peace, Progress and Pairing Up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Jeff and Cathy each spent nearly a decade in the mid-singles community and they use that experience to provide counsel and hope to mid-singles and later married couples through written articles, podcasts, and videos. Jeff and Cathy are both Advanced Certified Life Coaches and have university degrees in Family & Human Development. They are the parents of a blended family that includes four handsome sons, one lovely daughter-in-law, and two sweet little granddaughters.
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jeffApril 30, 2026
Divorce frequently comes as a "surprise" to the partner that didn't want it. I have known many people who have said they never saw it coming and would have done almost anything to save it if they could have. I have known many people who claimed their spouse came to them one day and announced that they wanted out and the marriage was over in less than 6 months. The idea that "Divorce has a perpetrator and a victim, in all but the rarest of cases" does not comport with my experience participating and working in the singles community for 16 years. Talk to two people who are in the middle of divorcing each other and you will generally get two very compelling narratives and, if you are honest, you won't be able to discern who is telling the truth and who is not. Generally it is a matter of interpretation more than cold, hard facts. To the extent that I can discern such things, I believe there were often mistakes and problems on both sides. Over half the of reported domestic violence cases are bilateral, involving victimization and perpetration by both partners. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6485079/#:~:text=Historically%2C%20IPV%20studies%20have%20focused,by%20both%20partners%20%5B37%5D. In terms of Church leaders, I don't necessarily agree that women are generally not believed or that Bishops identify more with the man. I know that sometimes happens. My experience is generally that divorcing women are treated with compassion and men are treated with suspicion. Having said that, I really think we need to get away from the idea that church leaders or other members need to take sides or assign fault. That is generally not helpful. In clear cases of abuse, a leader may need to take steps to protect the more vulnerable party. But he should minister to both without judgment. Sometimes when a couple is divorcing, people think they need to discern who is at "fault" so they aren't supporting the "wrong person." Both are children of God and it is not our job to assign fault. I believe in protecting people who may be in danger. I don't think that means Bishops should be expected to be able to tell if one of the two divorcing people is lying or telling the truth. I've been on the wrong end of "not being believed" too, and it was a very difficult time and added insult to injury.
ChristopherApril 30, 2026
"When that marriage ends" is a bizarre euphemism for divorce. Divorce is not death. It isn't a surprise nor does it come out of nowhere. Divorce has a perpetrator and a victim, in all but the rarest of cases. This article would be much stronger if its advice distinguished between the two. Perpetrators of divorce don't usually need to learn to love and accept themselves. In most cases, they have already done that to the point that they harmed the people around them.