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The following is excerpted from ChurchofJesusChrist.org. To read the full article, CLICK HERE.
When I came home from my mission, I had no idea the challenges I would face with dating. I have exclusively dated several good guys with strong testimonies. Unfortunately, these serious relationships haven’t worked out because of problems with pornography. This is one of the most dangerous tools Satan is using today, and no one is immune from possibly falling into the trap. So many of us have been exposed to pornography in some way. Some are in the bonds of pornography use, some are recovering from use, and some of us are being affected by someone else’s pornography use.
While sharing my experience, I am going to use the pronoun he because my circumstances have been with several males. However, both men and women struggle with pornography. So here are four things I have learned (and wish I would have known sooner) about dating those with pornography problems.
1. Understand the Problem
In my experience, most of the guys I have dated didn’t disclose the full extent of their pornography use at first—just that it is something they struggled with. I know now that it’s important to understand the depth of the problem to know if the relationship is safe or not. As prompted by the Spirit, or when you are considering becoming exclusive or are already exclusive in dating, you may feel impressed to discuss this topic. Here are examples of questions that can help you discover the nature of his pornography use:
- When was the last time you used pornography?
If he considers his issues with pornography to be in the past, you can ask questions such as:
- Is it still a problem? What do you do to overcome the temptation?
- Have you discussed it with your bishop?
- How are you healing and recovering from the effects of it? Where are you in the healing process?
- Do you feel you have both repented and recovered?
- What safety plan do you have to keep pornography out of your life or our home if we get married?
If he has viewed pornography more recently, consider asking questions such as:
- How often do you look at pornography?
- What have you done to address this problem?
- Are you working with your bishop?
- Do you see a therapist or attend addiction recovery meetings for help with this? If not, do you think you need to?
2. Know That It’s Not Your Problem
To read the full article, CLICK HERE.
SKNovember 1, 2019
I very much sympathize with your predicament as I, myself, am divorced due to pornography addiction, which led to adultery, after 33 years of marriage. Elder Oaks's levels of pornography use are only preliminary. Those are the levels of addiction. Addiction is the second step and begins when you go back for more after inadvertent or deliberate exposure. Especially in males, who are visually-oriented. The next step after addiction is real-world experiences. You've had enough of just "looking," you want to experience what those in the videos/pictures are doing. Unfortunately, when married, this is heightened adultery. Adultery really begins with the pornography addiction. After real-world experiences, it can get gross and ugly. Extreme cases lead to rape and/or murder. Also, this coveting leads you right down the line of breaking commandments. First you covet the sex, then you steal from your family finances, then you lie to your spouse about how you're spending money--on adultery. My advice to anyone who knows a boyfriend is addicted to pornography is RUN! It's nice to want to "understand," but, would you align yourself willingly with a heroin addict? Pornography is the worst addiction of all--worse than heroin, alcoholism, and smoking. RUN!