In my coaching practice, I work at helping mid-singles to elevate their energy and emotions, shift behaviors, and ultimately produce better outcomes by intentionally choosing stories that serve them best and are aligned with their values and core desires.
While thought work is a powerful tool, it is not the only thing we need. For example, a person could decide to spend all day within four walls, never talking to another human being, working on thinking positively and interpreting his or her situation in a hopeful way. But that wouldn’t lead to the desired outcome.
Properly understood, thought work is part of an overall flow of life and does not replace fundamental human needs, like the need for love and belonging. The way you think may be helpful in meeting those needs and motivating you to find the resources you need. But living in denial or trying to wish away your fundamental needs is not thought work, and it will never get you where you want to go. For example, if you decide to create a hopeful interpretation of the fact that you don’t have anything to eat or drink, you are still going to starve to death if you don’t find food.
Trying to interpret this situation by thinking “I don’t actually need food or water to live” will not change the fact that you actually do need food and water to live. As the Apostle James wrote, “If a brother or sister be naked, and destitute of daily food, and one of you say unto them, Depart in peace, be ye warmed and filled; notwithstanding ye give them not those things which are needful to the body; what doth it profit?” (James 2:15-16). Likewise, if you are starving for love, you aren’t going to automatically have that need met just because you choose to create a positive interpretation of being alone.
Denying that you have a need for love and belonging does not change the fact that you do. Living in denial is not effective thought work. Accepting unchangeable facts is part of the work. If we accept reality as it really is (the facts without added interpretation), we might still choose to believe that food and water are on their way and will show up for us. Who could prove that is not true? Believing that God will send us what we need can give us the hope we need to persist in finding what we need. The law of attraction will help to drive this process when we put our focus on what we need and want instead of denying our needs or despairing that we don’t yet have our needs met.
Thought work is powerful and important so long as we do not deny the reality that we are human beings with fundamental needs which are unchangeable, and which it is our own primary responsibility to fulfill. If you are operating on a deficit of love and belonging, your thought work could lead you to deeper understanding and help you to reach out to wise friends who will love you even when you are needy or sad or have other problems and challenges. The love of even one other person can be transforming. Thought work is not a replacement for fulfilling human needs. It is a powerful tool to intentionally meet those needs, create a happy life, and ultimately develop healthy relationships.
In conclusion, I offer you this insightful poem, Why Live in Denial, by Hannah Williams:
Why live in denial?
When you could be free.
Why live in denial?
When you could just let situations be.
Why live in denial?
When you could focus your attention on more.
Why live in denial?
When you could see what the world has in store.
Why live in denial?
When you could transcend?
Why live in denial?
When what is broken can be mend.
Why live in denial?
When it is easier to persevere.
Denial is looking back with a heart full of fear.
FEATURED THIS WEEK
LILY Pod Episode 101: Facts vs. Stories – Separating Them Out (40min)
LILY Pod Episode 102: Emotion & Energetic State – What Creates It? (45min)
LILY Pod Episode 103: Behaviors & Outcomes – How to Shift Them (33min)
LILY Tube: Our Secret Formula for Creating a Better Life (19min)
LILY Tube Short: Our F-SEEBO Coaching Model (1min)
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About the Author
Jeff Teichert, and his wife Cathy Butler Teichert, are the founders of “Love in Later Years,” which ministers to Latter-day Saint single adults seeking peace, healing, and more joyful relationships. They are co-authors of the Amazon bestseller Intentional Courtship: A Mid-Singles Guide to Peace, Progress and Pairing Up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Jeff and Cathy each spent nearly a decade in the mid-singles community and they use that experience to provide counsel and hope to mid-singles and later married couples through written articles, podcasts, and videos. Jeff and Cathy are both Advanced Certified Life Coaches and have university degrees in Family & Human Development. They are the parents of a blended family that includes four handsome sons, one lovely daughter-in-law, and a sweet baby granddaughter.
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Website: http://www.loveinlateryears.com/
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