After 60 years, I will be meeting my biological father next month. I will not call him my father, dad, or any such thing. He never showed an interest in me and does not warrant the honorable titles. Apparently, he fathered others before committing to a marriage and family. The were shocked to learn of me and even more shocked to learn of at least two others. At first, he said he didn't believe my birth mother but soon after changed his story. I know his other illegitimate daughter is thrilled to finally learn who he is and that is the reason I pursued my research. Finally contacting my estranged birth mother who sent a registered letter with nothing but his misspelled name.
My birth mother gave me up for adoption to her mother and stepfather so we were raised, legally, as sisters. Part of the reason for the estrangement is because I won't call her my mother nor my other sister my aunt. (Not to mention my other sister's illegitimate child who everyone wants me to call my cousin.) They aren't. They are my sisters, the girl that was given up for adoption across the country is simply that, and I am entitled to my family name. Even the birth certificate I have has no mention of my biological parents. My adopted parents are listed as the birth parents.
In my twenties, I also had a child and gave it up for adoption specifying an LDS family. My upbringing was belittling and violent. I was a convert to the church and, oh, what I would have given to have been raised LDS. He had been adopted by members over 500 miles away. When he was 17 someone gave him my phone number and we had a disappointing conversation. I knew both sides of the adoption story and thought I had made the better choice by not aborting and giving him a "good" family. He didn't want to believe the circumstances of his birth and, through puffs of cigarette smoke, was blaming me for all of his troubles.
I hope he has matured and made better choices.
SO! Who knows how this will turn out next month. I am curious to see faces that may be similar to mine; to learn about the relationship my birth parents had. no matter how brief; to learn of medical backgrounds, etc. But he will simply be a man I met and not promoted to Father. That belongs to my daddy. The man who raised me and loved me even though I was not his own and had no blood connection. The ones who hurt, abandoned, abused, belittled, judged, and/or controlled were blood. I feel sorry for them. They have missed out on a lot of good things and either were or are very unhappy.
MaryannJune 16, 2019
When LDS Family Services was still placing babies for adoption, I worked for them as a volunteer. I met with the expectant girls during the months before their babies were due, encouraging them and helping them to explore their options. One time the LDS social worker allowed me to be the one to place the baby in the arms of the adoptive parents for the very first time. That was quite a thrill! I remember one time when an adoptive couple came to the office to get their baby--I was astounded at how much the baby looked like the adoptive mother. These children really are meant to be with these families---they just come by a different route!
SheriJune 13, 2019
As someone who just recently found her birth mother, (in the past week) I couldn't agree more with this article. I am in the family I'm supposed to be in. I have 4 1/2 siblings that have always known about me, and wanted to meet me. I've fought the feeling for the past few years about needing to look, and couldn't have been more excited about how things are working out. I'm so grateful to my birth mother for making the decision that she did, and for my parents who wanted me so much and have given me a perfect life.
Ron B.June 12, 2019
As the parent of one natural child and three adopted children, our attitude has always been that the more people in our children's lives who love them, the happier we are.
Two of my children found their birth mothers. One through a miraculous connection and the other through DNA. One was underwhelming but the other was a reunion beyond description. We were reduced to tears at the mother's expression of pent-up emotions when our child reached out to his birth mother after 31 years.
Our children know who we are and we are not threatened by the expressions of love between birth bonds and meeting new siblings. I'm sure the Lord would see it no differently.
K. Chin, Modesto, CAJune 12, 2019
I am deeply touched by the immense courage and strong faith EVERYONE in this story has shown! The Savior is, indeed, our perfect brightness of hope. Through all of the challenging, heart-wrenching, devastating experiences we face in Mortality...it is only through Jesus Christ, and His gift of the Atonement to each of us (if we accept and apply it) that there is ANY chance of happiness. In submitting ourselves to our Savior, we have EVERTHING to gain and NOTHING to lose; but we often don’t realize this until, through exercising our faith in Him, we courageously take a couple of steps into the unknown. I believe MANY more lives will be blessed by hearing this story. Thanks to ALL who have been willing to share it!!
Jo Ann OkelberryJune 12, 2019
We adopted a baby girl in 1967. She was of mixed race and certainly stood out in our family. We loved her so much, and she loved us and her six natural-born siblings. She died 10 years ago, and we have grieved so much as has not only her siblings but her aunts, uncles, cousins, and so many more. She was a delight in our lives. She never wanted to find her birth parents because she always said that we were her "birth" parents. I have read of so many people who found their birth parents only to have a very unhappy relationship. People sometimes don't want to be reminded of the child that gave up for adoption.
Pete PrattJune 12, 2019
That's great story and I'm very glad it worked out the way it did.
My wife and I adopted a brand new baby at birth. When he reached adulthood he tracked down his birth mom, who promptly tried to take control of his life. It took a couple years for her to accept that his life was formed by his adoptive parents and he would not change to conform with her desires. Now they have an arms length relationship that is a burden to him. He says he wishes he had not pursued this.
Marla SmakaJune 12, 2019
I am writing with great respect. I would like to take a view point 180 degrees opposite to the general tone and theme of this article. The author never mentioned how the feelings of the adoptive family feel about their adopted child seeking out the birth family.
I along with my four siblings am adopted. My brother sought his birth family. I cannot describe the absolute tearing this caused the fabric of our family. We were sealed in the Mesa, Arizona, Temple. I thought we were now the children of our adopted parents (for those who have participated in the ordinances of the Temple, recall those sacred words). My brother sought his birth parents and found them, and also found he had biological birth siblings. He called one of his birth siblings in my presence his "real sister." I am not an adolescent or twenty-something. I am a grandmother of 13. I wish the trend to glorify the reunion of birth parents would stop. By the way, I saw a survey that said that 90% of adoptees who sought and found their birth families said if they had it to do over again, they would not.
Lori SmithJune 12, 2019
I just found my birth mother we talked this lady Sunday not meeting in person till September halve to build up the courage
JoyceJune 12, 2019
A word of warning for those seeking to dig into their past. My sister-in-law was 15 years old when she paired up with a 20 year old college student. Needless to say they produced a child. The drama in the family was stressing for the siblings who kept better morals, the devastated parents, etc. The infant was placed up for adoption. Fast forward 18 plus years and the offspring wanted to locate his birth parents. Grandparents were contacted to locate their daughter -- stirred up memories of times left in the past. Daughter secretly meets up with the young man over the years. Doesn't tell her parents nor siblings. Until the young man finally get married and his biological mother and her husband are invited to the wedding. Biological grandmother is not. Siblings are told of the upcoming wedding and the drama that daughter had brought upon the family is relived again. Things left in the past were stirred up once again. Spouses of the siblings were told of the wayward daughter and they were new trauma victims as they learned that their spouses had kept this family secret from them for decades. What other secrets were kept from the spouses? What an emotional mess! Biological grandmother now widowed was calling her son for months asking if they 'did the right thing' to have their 15 year old daughter put the child up for adoption as if he hadn't been traumatized enough in high school during his sister's pregnancy. Now he was having to relive the mess that sister's poor life choices had brought upon his family and his own time in high school that should have been pleasant years but were clouded by his sister's actions. He now had to explain to his wife that he had kept this secret from her for all the years of their marriage and wife was upset wondering if there weren't more secrets to be dropped upon her some day.
Raking up on the past --- there is a reason that people say -- let the past stay in the past. Before the adopted person goes stirring up the past -- ask yourself if the birth situation that compelled you to be adopted might not cause others biological parents, their siblings, the biological grandparents, etc to relieve painful emotions that they had to deal with and have put in their past. It isn't just the adoptee who is involved. Your decision, just like your birth mother's acts that got her in a family way, will impact many others. The biological mother's acts caused drama in the family -- are you willing to risk stirring up trauma of things left in the past by those who dealt with the biological mother's pregnancy? The infant was hopefully raised in a good adoptive home -- be content with that unless you know that the biological family is not going to be traumatized again at your re-appearance. My neighbors adopted 2 infant boys weeks apart -- both of their mothers were drug addicts and are probably dead. My friends adopted two children -- their son's biological mother was a drug addicted. The daughter tracked down her birth mother -- the adoptive dad told me he was saddened that he had raised the daughter was there for her through medical school -- financially and emotionally was there of HIS daughter. As an adult she wanted to re-connect with her biological family -- dad being a dad -- said if his daughter wanted to find her birth parents he was good with that but deep down he was sad. Dad's do these things for their children --- hiding his true personal heart break because of the desires of his daughter. Daughter was giddy as could be to meet her biological mother --- but for his friendship with me, dad suffered silently that daughter didn't see him and his wife as her true full family. How many other adoptive parents conceal their personal heart break of an adoptive child looking for their biological parents? How many biological aunts, uncles, grandparents lives will be sent into turmoil once again from the reappearance of a child long ago placed into a NEW home with NEW parents? Think before your search causes trauma to others -- biological mother did not think what her actions would do to others.
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AlitsaJune 16, 2019
After 60 years, I will be meeting my biological father next month. I will not call him my father, dad, or any such thing. He never showed an interest in me and does not warrant the honorable titles. Apparently, he fathered others before committing to a marriage and family. The were shocked to learn of me and even more shocked to learn of at least two others. At first, he said he didn't believe my birth mother but soon after changed his story. I know his other illegitimate daughter is thrilled to finally learn who he is and that is the reason I pursued my research. Finally contacting my estranged birth mother who sent a registered letter with nothing but his misspelled name. My birth mother gave me up for adoption to her mother and stepfather so we were raised, legally, as sisters. Part of the reason for the estrangement is because I won't call her my mother nor my other sister my aunt. (Not to mention my other sister's illegitimate child who everyone wants me to call my cousin.) They aren't. They are my sisters, the girl that was given up for adoption across the country is simply that, and I am entitled to my family name. Even the birth certificate I have has no mention of my biological parents. My adopted parents are listed as the birth parents. In my twenties, I also had a child and gave it up for adoption specifying an LDS family. My upbringing was belittling and violent. I was a convert to the church and, oh, what I would have given to have been raised LDS. He had been adopted by members over 500 miles away. When he was 17 someone gave him my phone number and we had a disappointing conversation. I knew both sides of the adoption story and thought I had made the better choice by not aborting and giving him a "good" family. He didn't want to believe the circumstances of his birth and, through puffs of cigarette smoke, was blaming me for all of his troubles. I hope he has matured and made better choices. SO! Who knows how this will turn out next month. I am curious to see faces that may be similar to mine; to learn about the relationship my birth parents had. no matter how brief; to learn of medical backgrounds, etc. But he will simply be a man I met and not promoted to Father. That belongs to my daddy. The man who raised me and loved me even though I was not his own and had no blood connection. The ones who hurt, abandoned, abused, belittled, judged, and/or controlled were blood. I feel sorry for them. They have missed out on a lot of good things and either were or are very unhappy.
MaryannJune 16, 2019
When LDS Family Services was still placing babies for adoption, I worked for them as a volunteer. I met with the expectant girls during the months before their babies were due, encouraging them and helping them to explore their options. One time the LDS social worker allowed me to be the one to place the baby in the arms of the adoptive parents for the very first time. That was quite a thrill! I remember one time when an adoptive couple came to the office to get their baby--I was astounded at how much the baby looked like the adoptive mother. These children really are meant to be with these families---they just come by a different route!
SheriJune 13, 2019
As someone who just recently found her birth mother, (in the past week) I couldn't agree more with this article. I am in the family I'm supposed to be in. I have 4 1/2 siblings that have always known about me, and wanted to meet me. I've fought the feeling for the past few years about needing to look, and couldn't have been more excited about how things are working out. I'm so grateful to my birth mother for making the decision that she did, and for my parents who wanted me so much and have given me a perfect life.
Ron B.June 12, 2019
As the parent of one natural child and three adopted children, our attitude has always been that the more people in our children's lives who love them, the happier we are. Two of my children found their birth mothers. One through a miraculous connection and the other through DNA. One was underwhelming but the other was a reunion beyond description. We were reduced to tears at the mother's expression of pent-up emotions when our child reached out to his birth mother after 31 years. Our children know who we are and we are not threatened by the expressions of love between birth bonds and meeting new siblings. I'm sure the Lord would see it no differently.
K. Chin, Modesto, CAJune 12, 2019
I am deeply touched by the immense courage and strong faith EVERYONE in this story has shown! The Savior is, indeed, our perfect brightness of hope. Through all of the challenging, heart-wrenching, devastating experiences we face in Mortality...it is only through Jesus Christ, and His gift of the Atonement to each of us (if we accept and apply it) that there is ANY chance of happiness. In submitting ourselves to our Savior, we have EVERTHING to gain and NOTHING to lose; but we often don’t realize this until, through exercising our faith in Him, we courageously take a couple of steps into the unknown. I believe MANY more lives will be blessed by hearing this story. Thanks to ALL who have been willing to share it!!
Jo Ann OkelberryJune 12, 2019
We adopted a baby girl in 1967. She was of mixed race and certainly stood out in our family. We loved her so much, and she loved us and her six natural-born siblings. She died 10 years ago, and we have grieved so much as has not only her siblings but her aunts, uncles, cousins, and so many more. She was a delight in our lives. She never wanted to find her birth parents because she always said that we were her "birth" parents. I have read of so many people who found their birth parents only to have a very unhappy relationship. People sometimes don't want to be reminded of the child that gave up for adoption.
Pete PrattJune 12, 2019
That's great story and I'm very glad it worked out the way it did. My wife and I adopted a brand new baby at birth. When he reached adulthood he tracked down his birth mom, who promptly tried to take control of his life. It took a couple years for her to accept that his life was formed by his adoptive parents and he would not change to conform with her desires. Now they have an arms length relationship that is a burden to him. He says he wishes he had not pursued this.
Marla SmakaJune 12, 2019
I am writing with great respect. I would like to take a view point 180 degrees opposite to the general tone and theme of this article. The author never mentioned how the feelings of the adoptive family feel about their adopted child seeking out the birth family. I along with my four siblings am adopted. My brother sought his birth family. I cannot describe the absolute tearing this caused the fabric of our family. We were sealed in the Mesa, Arizona, Temple. I thought we were now the children of our adopted parents (for those who have participated in the ordinances of the Temple, recall those sacred words). My brother sought his birth parents and found them, and also found he had biological birth siblings. He called one of his birth siblings in my presence his "real sister." I am not an adolescent or twenty-something. I am a grandmother of 13. I wish the trend to glorify the reunion of birth parents would stop. By the way, I saw a survey that said that 90% of adoptees who sought and found their birth families said if they had it to do over again, they would not.
Lori SmithJune 12, 2019
I just found my birth mother we talked this lady Sunday not meeting in person till September halve to build up the courage
JoyceJune 12, 2019
A word of warning for those seeking to dig into their past. My sister-in-law was 15 years old when she paired up with a 20 year old college student. Needless to say they produced a child. The drama in the family was stressing for the siblings who kept better morals, the devastated parents, etc. The infant was placed up for adoption. Fast forward 18 plus years and the offspring wanted to locate his birth parents. Grandparents were contacted to locate their daughter -- stirred up memories of times left in the past. Daughter secretly meets up with the young man over the years. Doesn't tell her parents nor siblings. Until the young man finally get married and his biological mother and her husband are invited to the wedding. Biological grandmother is not. Siblings are told of the upcoming wedding and the drama that daughter had brought upon the family is relived again. Things left in the past were stirred up once again. Spouses of the siblings were told of the wayward daughter and they were new trauma victims as they learned that their spouses had kept this family secret from them for decades. What other secrets were kept from the spouses? What an emotional mess! Biological grandmother now widowed was calling her son for months asking if they 'did the right thing' to have their 15 year old daughter put the child up for adoption as if he hadn't been traumatized enough in high school during his sister's pregnancy. Now he was having to relive the mess that sister's poor life choices had brought upon his family and his own time in high school that should have been pleasant years but were clouded by his sister's actions. He now had to explain to his wife that he had kept this secret from her for all the years of their marriage and wife was upset wondering if there weren't more secrets to be dropped upon her some day. Raking up on the past --- there is a reason that people say -- let the past stay in the past. Before the adopted person goes stirring up the past -- ask yourself if the birth situation that compelled you to be adopted might not cause others biological parents, their siblings, the biological grandparents, etc to relieve painful emotions that they had to deal with and have put in their past. It isn't just the adoptee who is involved. Your decision, just like your birth mother's acts that got her in a family way, will impact many others. The biological mother's acts caused drama in the family -- are you willing to risk stirring up trauma of things left in the past by those who dealt with the biological mother's pregnancy? The infant was hopefully raised in a good adoptive home -- be content with that unless you know that the biological family is not going to be traumatized again at your re-appearance. My neighbors adopted 2 infant boys weeks apart -- both of their mothers were drug addicts and are probably dead. My friends adopted two children -- their son's biological mother was a drug addicted. The daughter tracked down her birth mother -- the adoptive dad told me he was saddened that he had raised the daughter was there for her through medical school -- financially and emotionally was there of HIS daughter. As an adult she wanted to re-connect with her biological family -- dad being a dad -- said if his daughter wanted to find her birth parents he was good with that but deep down he was sad. Dad's do these things for their children --- hiding his true personal heart break because of the desires of his daughter. Daughter was giddy as could be to meet her biological mother --- but for his friendship with me, dad suffered silently that daughter didn't see him and his wife as her true full family. How many other adoptive parents conceal their personal heart break of an adoptive child looking for their biological parents? How many biological aunts, uncles, grandparents lives will be sent into turmoil once again from the reappearance of a child long ago placed into a NEW home with NEW parents? Think before your search causes trauma to others -- biological mother did not think what her actions would do to others.
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