Line upon Line

Over sixty years ago, Shel Silverstein published a classic book that has sold over 14.5 million copies. It is a simple story about a tree that gives everything she has to a little boy. What is it about The Giving Tree that touched so many people, both positively and negatively? What is the message that readers relate to?

One could view the book as a commentary on how worldly we become as we grow older. As a child, the boy in The Giving Tree is content enjoying the tree’s company, climbing her trunk, and swinging from her branches without compromising the tree. However, as he grows older, he has no qualms about using the tree for whatever it can give, cutting down all her branches and eventually her trunk. He has no thought to how aversely he is affecting the tree. He just wants material possessions—house… a boat… The author himself said it is a sad story. Reading the book from this perspective is truly sad.

However, reading the story as adolescent, I thought this book was a sweet book about selfless giving. Raised in a thick LDS culture, I was indoctrinated with the value of selfless giving. I memorized the words of the song, “Have I Done Any Good in the World Today?” In those days, the song included the line, “Only he who does something is worthy to live. The world has no use for the drone,” implying that someone who does not give has no purpose in this life. The Giving Tree epitomized the ideal giver—one who gives all and expects nothing in return and I thought the author was brilliant.

As an adult, the idiocy of this philosophy became clear to me. How ludicrous to give and give until you have nothing left to give? In my book Side by Side: Supporting a Spouse in Church Service, I wrote a chapter called “Increasing Your Capacity to Serve.” Rather than adhere to The Giving Tree’s example of giving until you are useless, I encourage readers to take good care of themselves so they can give, and they don’t become the welfare case that demands the attention of the givers. You can only donate so many pints of blood. You’re no good to anybody if you donate all your blood. The ideal is to take at least as good care of yourself as you do others.

Why We Give

Those who over-give may have motives that are not as altruistic as they seem. In Shel Silverstein’s book the tree is happy when the boy comes back to her. We read, “But the boy stayed away for a long time… and the tree was sad.” This fact is very revealing. The tree is not happy because the boy has become self-sufficient or happy because the boy has found someone to love (note the heart with initials carved into the tree). The tree is happy because the boy came back to be with her.

We see throughout the book that the tree’s motives for giving are to get the boy to come see her. It is not altruistic, unconditional love after all. The boy’s motives for visiting seem to be selfish as well. He comes to take something from the tree—apples, branches, her trunk. In other words, he uses her. It is an exploitative relationship right up until the end.

Indulging Our Children

Why do parents indulge adult children? Do parents give to their children for the benefit of the child or for their own benefit? Do we buy our children’s affection with gifts? In the story, the tree seems to give to the child, because she wants him to keep coming back to her. Is that why we give?

Is it really a sign of love to give a man a fish, rather than teaching him how to fish? Are we doing him any favors when we take care of him, rather than teaching him how to take care of himself? Remembering that the purpose of our prudent refusal or thoughtful agreement is to help a child learn to “fish” can make it more likely that we will adhere to our resolve not to over-indulge an adult child.

Saying “no” to an adult child who wants our help, especially when we are in the position to help, can be difficult. We want to maintain the relationship and if we say “no” to his requests, we risk him leaving and not returning (as the tree in the book feared). Two good things can result when we take that risk. First, the child works to become self-sufficient and second, they learn more about mature love. Real love is a give and take. It isn’t always about getting everything you want. A child who truly loves his parent will return whether or not the parent has something material to give.

The Part of the Whole Solution

Parents who truly love their children want to help their children become self-sufficient. There is far greater joy in seeing a child work hard, struggle, and succeed than there is in watching him languish. Giving with the intent to help a child become self-sufficient is a greater expression of love than giving just so the child will hang around.

Stephen Robinson, in his book Believing Chris,t shares what he calls “The parable of the bicycle.” He imagines a young girl who earns as much as she possibly can for a bicycle and ends up with 61 cents. Her dad makes up the rest, providing the rest of the money she needs for the bicycle. Robinson uses this parable to show how little we put forward to compared to the extreme generosity of The Savior. This principle can apply to parents who want to help their adult children reach their goals. When the child has contributed as much as they can, it is only fitting that the parent come to his aid and offer help. The tricky part is to discern if the child is putting forth effort, and if the effort he is putting forth is enough for him to appreciate the contribution of a loving parent.

We used the 50/50 rule with our children when they were small. If it was money they wanted, or a material possession, we agreed if they could come up with half of the money, we would provide the rest. The beauty of this solution is you don’t have entitled children, who feel they deserve to be indulged. They also value whatever it is they wanted. If it’s a bicycle, they take better care of the bicycle. If they pay part of their college tuition, they work harder to get good grades. If they pay for part of their mission, they want to make the experience worth their sacrifice. There is nothing magical about a 50/50 split. Perhaps the ratio will be far less equal, as it was in the parable of the bicycle. The point is, children who work to reach their own goals learn from their efforts, they become self-sufficient and grow in self-esteem as well as self-efficacy.

As for the parents, there is no greater joy than to see our children flourish, with or without our help.

JeaNette Goates Smith is the author of Side by Side: Supporting a Spouse in Church Service, published by Covenant Communications. You can access links to this book as well as her other books at www.smithfamilytherapy.org