Last week I stuck my foot in my mouth. Unfortunately, I do this on occasion. This time I was playing pickleball and it looked like one of my teammates had a big bruise on her forehead. “Oh, No!” I exclaimed. “Did you get hit with a pickleball?” One of the other girls in our group laughed and said, “I’m glad that someone else made the same mistake I made.”
The day was Ash Wednesday and my girlfriend had just returned from mass where she explained that those were ashes on her forehead, not a bruise. This opened up a fascinating dialogue where we spoke of death and repentance and we gained respect for one another. Despite our differences we could celebrate our similarities. We concluded the discussion feeling greater comradery and greater trust than we had ever felt before.
Cultural differences are present all the time in our society regardless of one’s race or color or gender preferences. My girlfriend is my same age, same race, same socioeconomic status, but there were still differences between us that could have led to marginalization. Instead, they led to inclusion.
Not About Race
The color of one’s skin or where someone grew up may be the least different thing between two people. Differences between human beings occur because they have different political views, different religious views, different economic experiences, different social habits, different values, different mannerisms, different perspectives and different traditions.
Diversity training programs are designed to reduce prejudice and help diverse groups better understand one another, respect one another, and treat one another with kindness. However, differences will exist regardless of culture awareness.
When I was in graduate school one of the other women in the graduate program had a big problem with me. She was a white, heterosexual female, just like me but she had major depressive disorder. It drove her nuts that I was so inexplicably happy and she thought I had no appreciation for what it was like to be depressed. Our graduate professor wisely encouraged us to go to lunch together. I got to know her, and she got to know me. As different as we were, we gained a mutual respect and were able to work effectively together. A class on depression didn’t help me nearly as much as making friends with this woman who was struggling with the condition.
Accepting and embracing diversity is a laudable goal. I can’t imagine anyone would be against becoming unified with our neighbors, those in the workplace or in places of education. Ostensibly, we want to live in peace, without discrimination. However, the debate still exists over the best way to accomplish this goal.
Learning Face-to-Face
Classroom instruction may not be the most effective way to eliminate prejudice or discrimination. By studying groups as a whole we might be inadvertently buying into stereotypes, such as “people from England don’t like to be hugged” or “in Australia a thumbs-up is an insult.” This may cause even greater misunderstanding because people within cultures are vastly different.
In addition, learning facts doesn’t necessarily change feelings. We may leave a training with the same prejudices we entered but with the added wisdom to know when to keep our mouths shut.
I have found that the most effective way to come to appreciate someone who is drastically different than I am, is to get to know them personally. Recently my daughters and I spent a week on a sailboat with 14 Germans. Initially the Germans bought into the stereotype that we were “arrogant Americans.” They were astonished when we sang German songs along with them, when we practiced German phrases, when we danced with them and played games with them and invited them to tour with us. Cultural prejudices were erased because we got to know one another personally.
As mission leaders in the Dominican Republic, my husband and I often put missionaries from different cultures together as companions, not just so the Spanish speaker could learn English and the English speaker could learn Spanish, but so they could come to appreciate one another’s cultural differences. Some of our most effective companionships were created from two vastly different missionaries who loved one another, despite their differences, and appreciated where the other was coming from. Ironically, the most contentious companionships occurred when we put two soccer-loving Latinos together who came from countries whose sports-teams were rivals.
In the church, we are often paired with those who are vastly different than we are. First of all, we attend church according to geography. We don’t go “church hopping” as do my friends of other faiths. In addition, we serve in callings with people who may be very different than we are. Working together allows us to get to know one another and appreciate our differences. For the past four years my husband and I have been serving in a Spanish-speaking ward. My husband and I were the only white couple in the entire ward, but we felt as at-home with our Latin brothers and sisters as we have felt in any other ward. Many of their cultural practices touched our hearts to the point where we incorporated them into our own family. We will always be advocates of the Latin community because of the people we know personally who are outstanding human beings.
Our son grew up with two best friends. One was black and the other Jewish. They played sports together, built tree houses, went camping together and as children it never occurred to them that they were any different from one another. When the friend who is Jewish unexpectedly passed away at a young age, our son, who is a Latter-day Saint bishop, was asked to speak at his “celebration of life.”
I wonder if diversity training in the workplace or on college campuses would be necessary if those from different cultures had the opportunity to interreact and get to know one another face-to-face. Perhaps, instead of diversity training, the most appropriate kind of training should be training in communication skills or conflict resolution—information that applies to everybody, no matter your culture, color, gender or political preferences.
JeaNette Goates Smith and her husband, Bret as mission leaders in the Dominican Republic from 2017 to 2020. For information about her books on family relationships go to www.smithfamilytherapy.org.
