Parenting

The job of stay-at-home mom is arguably one of the toughest jobs in the world. It is especially difficult when the mom is raising several little children spaced closely together. Often, a young mom won’t even have time to take a shower until late in the afternoon. She seldom enjoys the luxury of a sit-down lunch. She is lucky if she can pop a leftover PBJ in her mouth, just to maintain her energy. Little children do not understand how blessed they are to have a caring mother, so instead of expressing gratitude, they often complain. They don’t want to eat their vegetables. They don’t want to do their homework. They quarrel with their siblings. They don’t want to go to bed. It can seem like a constant fight and can exhaust the most fit mother. It is no wonder that young mothers are especially vulnerable to flattering words.

“You’re a great mom; you work so hard, you deserve a break.”

“You’re a great mom, so you’re entitled to do something for yourself.”

“You shouldn’t have to put up with all this.”

There is a big difference between a genuine compliment and flattering words. A genuine compliment is true. A compliment is not manipulative. There is no personal gain for the giver of the compliment. Compliments motivate us to strive to be better, not to give up. Flattering words do just the opposite.

Flattering words aren’t necessarily true

A flatterer may declare, “You look great in that outfit,” even though the outfit might be so tight you can’t bend over without splitting a seam.

A flatterer may declare, “This dish is delicious, my absolute favorite,” even though they are secretly sneaking forks full of food to the family dog.

Korihor’s flattering words were outright lies. He claimed Alma was trying to usurp authority and power over the people, and that leaders were glutting themselves on the labors of the people. Alma contradicts Korihor’s lies, reminding him that he has labored with his own hands for his support.

People wanted to believe Korihor’s flattering words so they would have an excuse not to work. This tendency exemplifies the next characteristic of flattering words.

Flattering words tell us what we want to hear, not what we need to hear

King Noah’s flattering words supported his laziness, idolatry, and whoredoms. We don’t know exactly what he said to promote his lifestyle, but perhaps his flattering words were similar to what the Zoramites told themselves while worshipping at the Rameumptom.

“Thou hast elected us to be thy holy children;”

“Thou hast elected us that we shall be saved, whilst all around us are elected to be cast by thy wrath down to hell.”

Flattering words tickle our pride. They are designed to make us feel better than other people, superior to others, not unified with others.

Amalickiah flattered the people by promising them he would make them rulers. They succumbed to his flattery because they wanted to be above their fellowman, not equal to.

Flattering words are always manipulative

Consider Morianton, who was so passionate that he beat his maid servant who (courageously) told on him. Morianton wanted to steal land from his neighbor, and he inspired his followers with flattering words. Perhaps he told them they deserved to obtain the land of Lehi because they had been there longer than their neighbors. Perhaps he told them they were harder workers than their neighbors and could make the land more productive. Perhaps he told them they were God’s chosen people and destined to control all the land. We don’t know how he flattered them, but he told them what they wanted to hear so he could get his own way.

Recall the difference between flattering words and a sincere compliment. A sincere compliment benefits the recipient. Flattering words benefit the flatterer.

When I was a young mother, we lived in a bedroom community, not far from Manhattan. All my neighbors were working women with nice wardrobes and fat incomes. They spoke flattering words to me, “You are highly educated. Why are you wasting your education changing diapers and wiping snotty noses? You could do so much more with your life.”

Why were these women trying to persuade me to put on my high heels, leave my children, and commute to the city to be praised of men? Why did they bother to feed me flattering words? Perhaps they needed validation for their own choices. If I jumped on the working mother bandwagon, it validated their choice to leave their own children in day care or with a nanny. They were not thinking of my family or my children. It’s possible their flattering words were manipulative and self-serving.

The flattering words that tempt today’s young mothers differ from those that tempted me. A dual-income family does not carry the prestige it used to. Today, prestige lies in having a husband who makes enough money that a young mother doesn’t have to work outside the home. However, flattering words still lure mothers away from their role as the primary nurturer in the family. Today, mothers don’t necessarily put on high heels and take off to the big city. They put on tennis shoes or yoga pants, or hiking boots, and constantly take off on retreats. They spend more money than necessary on their own personal needs. The flattering words they hear sound like,

“It’s okay to be selfish.”

“You are allowed to take care of yourself.”

There is certainly nothing wrong with an occasional woman’s retreat. Mothers definitely need a break. It is essential that they receive support while caring for little children. However, the reason mothers take care of themselves is so they are in a position to take care of their families. If they are sick or don’t have any energy, they are no good to anybody. There is a purpose to taking care of themselves. One essential purpose is to bless the lives of family members.

The attitude, “I come first, and my needs matter most,” is what is terrifying. Sacrificing the needs of the family to meet one’s own personal needs can destroy a family and steal a mother’s soul.

The goal of taking care of oneself is not to live in isolated luxury or trade the companionship of a husband and children for the companionship of a bunch of single women. The goal is to be physically and emotionally healthy enough to care for others.

Equilibrium Position

Mothers need not swing like a pendulum to an extreme to get their needs met. They don’t have to focus exclusively on themselves at the expense of their families. Such extremes are a rebellion—running as far away from the demands of motherhood as possible. The solution is the “equilibrium position,” the position a pendulum takes when it stops swinging and hangs straight down. The equilibrium position can be found when husbands and wives work together to come up with a solution to the demands of motherhood. The extended family may also weigh in at this critical juncture.

The equilibrium position will look different in every family. We don’t need influencers or social media to tell us what the equilibrium position should look like in our own family. We need prayer and inspiration to find this solution. When I was a young mother, my husband and I decided I should go back to school to obtain my master’s degree in counseling psychology. This allowed me to work during the hours my children were at school and “be at the crossroads” when they were coming and going. Of all the decisions I have had to make in my life, putting my family first has brought me the most joy.

JeaNette Goates Smith is the author of Side by Side: Supporting a Spouse in Church Service, published by Deseret Book. She and her husband Bret Gerald Smith served as mission leaders in the Dominican Republic from 2017 to 2000. They have four children and 15 grandchildren.