Question:
My husband grew up in a very unloving and dysfunctional home with an alcoholic father. He lived a homosexual lifestyle for years and then eventually found the Gospel and wanted marriage and a family. He had no understanding of what marriage would require. I have struggled to be his wife, not his mother. In so many ways he is still a little boy and wants/needs to be taken care of. He is in his seventies and we have been married more than thirty years. I have been going to LDS 12-step meetings for more than five years and while I understand the co-dependence thing, I still don’t know how to set boundaries so I can be his wife.
Answer:
While it’s important for spouses to care for one another, sometimes the imbalanced needs of one partner can create a confusing weight on the other that isn’t easy to resolve. Your husband’s need to be cared for wasn’t met in his home, so he’s longing for secure attachment in his marriage. While a good marriage can heal many of the unmet emotional needs from our families of origin, sometimes the other well-meaning spouse can run himself or herself ragged trying to fill the hole that was created from serious childhood neglect or abuse.
The longing for an equal marriage partner often drives one spouse to push, plead, and enable the less engaged spouse. When the frustration builds, it’s common for the more engaged spouse to raise the intensity or give up out of complete desperation because they can’t create the marriage they always envisioned.
Before your husband can “leave father and mother and…cleave to his wife”[1], he needs to be connected to a mother and father. Otherwise, he has nothing to offer you as a partner. Obviously, his days of being parented have long passed, but it’s not too late for him to be “fathered by God.”[2]
Sometimes we become so desperate to help our loved ones out of their pit of despair that we get in the way of the Savior and set ourselves as the ones that can save them. In those sincere efforts we can unintentionally cross the line into controlling and coercive behaviors. Elder Larry W. Wilson taught the following:
“We lose our right to the Lord’s Spirit…when we exercise control over another person in an unrighteous manner. We may think such methods are for the good of the one being controlled.’ But anytime we try to compel someone to righteousness who can and should be exercising his or her own moral agency, we are acting unrighteously.”[3]
Setting boundaries isn’t about punishing your husband. It’s about respecting your own limits as a fellow human and wounded traveler who can’t re-parent your husband into being the man and husband he needs to be. Honor your limits by stepping out of the way so he can build a relationship with Heavenly Father and the Savior.
I don’t know exactly how that will look for you. This is where getting the help of “reputable people with certified training, professional skills, and good values”[4] can be invaluable. I recommend you review the recent general conference counsel Elder Holland gave to caregivers of those suffering from mental and emotional disorders.
Setting boundaries isn’t about controlling what your partner will do. It’s about deciding where you will stop so you don’t burn yourself out, enable dysfunctional patterns, and do for him what he needs to do for himself.
He needs to learn to be a husband as much as you need him to be a husband. He is living beneath his privilege as a son of God. As you prayerfully counsel with God and with professionals on how to best structure these loving boundaries in your marriage, you will free yourself from the impossible task of changing your husband’s relationship to you and God. The only way he’ll be healthy enough to be your husband is when he is connected to God and can offer you the strength and love he’s received in his relationship with his Heavenly Father.
Geoff will answer a new family and relationship question every Friday. You can email your question to him at ge***@************ge.com
About the Author
Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in St. George, UT. He is the owner of Alliant Counseling and Education (www.alliantcounseling.com) and the founding director of LifeStar of St. George, an outpatient treatment program for couples and individuals impacted by pornography and sexual addiction (www.lifestarstgeorge.com). He is the co-author of “Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity”, available at Deseret Book, and the audio series “Strengthening Recovery Through Strengthening Marriage”, available at www.marriage-recovery.com. He also writes a weekly relationship column for the St. George News (www.stgnews.com). He holds a bachelors degree from BYU in communications studies and a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy from Auburn University. He served a full-time mission to the Dominican Republic and currently serves on the high council of the St. George, Utah young single adult second stake. He is married to Jody Young Steurer and they are the parents of four children. You can connect with him at:
S RogersNovember 23, 2013
I think it would have been a more helpful question if you would have given more detail about why she thinks she's being treated like his mother. I mean, I have to pick up more after my husband than my two kids. And when my husband is sick, he's a lot more work than they are too! Is this what she is talking about?
vickieNovember 22, 2013
this was a good article..I can see myself in this a bit. my husband and I have been married for 44yrs and raised 5 kids. we are on an equal level with each other..I use to think he was way above me in inteligence...over the years I have learned we all have strengths and weaknesses. I have a problem with my husbands weakness and it is in managing money. His father died when he was 7 yrs old and later his mother remarried and the person she married wasnt a good example of being a father..my husband was never taught how to manage money well. he does good with big business money but not home money..I however had two parents and they taught me well how to do that. one would think that my husband was lucky to have a wife who wasnt a spend thrift because if that was the case we would be in debt forever. when we first married I didnt know he was like this..over time after getting into financial trouble I realized what was happening and had to take over...we fight constantly over it...he doesnt pay attention to how he is spending and has expensive hobbies and just gets what he wants..he works and I dont..but I manage the money. His mother is the same way..she doesnt pay attention to how she spends..its too carefree for me. well, he is angry at me all the time..and Im not comfortable with what he does moneywise..and when we talk..he now thinks everything has to do with money...it doesnt...this problem doesnt help us have a really good relationship...I try to lay back and let the Lord take over and I find I cant...because every time my husband does..he ruins everything ..he knows it and then I have to take over again...I make him account to me what he is spending...and when he does..he gets angry..he has anger issues besides all that. A shrink I went to helped me see that his anger issue comes from when he was 7 and his dad died...its at that point they learn to deal with anger..I even asked my shrink what I should do and he said..someone has to be responsible in the family...so he told me to figure a way of managing the money that doesnt make him feel threatened...we started a green book where we put in the book what we get and what we owe...we kept that up for years while we had the kids ..it taught them some good lessons..but he doesnt want to do it now since they are gone because he doesnt want me keeping track of him ...he started us having an allowance..and he spends his allowance right and left...I hold him to it...I still have mine over 5yrs.....I dont feel I need things to fill my life...but he does and finds he needs hobbies that cause him to spend money...this is a rift between us and we could be much closer if we didtn have this problem...Im 62 and he is 66...because of this..I went through 3 episodes of major depression and anxiety...I got burned out after 7 yrs of marriage..it was hard but I stayed and decided to work through it..his anger is still there though and we still have the same problems...