Roger Connors is a leadership expert, business consultant, and four-time New York Times and Wall Street Journal bestselling author.
Healing the Wounded Heart: Forgiving One Another Through the Enabling Power of Jesus Christ releases July 1 CLICK HERE to preorder.
One of the reasons forgiveness can feel so confusing is that we often use a single word to describe two very different gospel principles. When members of the Church hear the word forgiveness, they may think about God forgiving a sinner through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. At other times, they may think about a victim forgiving someone who has caused pain, betrayal, or injury. Both are forms of forgiveness, but they are not the same thing.
In my research and writing on forgiveness, I have found it helpful to distinguish between what I call Divine Forgiveness and Brotherly Forgiveness. Divine Forgiveness is the forgiveness we seek from God when we repent of our sins. Brotherly Forgiveness is the forgiveness we extend to those who have wronged us. Understanding the distinction between these two forms of forgiveness resolves much of the confusion surrounding the Lord’s command to forgive.
One of the most beloved and oft-repeated stories in the Church is the reconciliation between Joseph Smith and W.W. Phelps. During the Missouri persecutions, Phelps turned against the Prophet and signed affidavits that contributed to Joseph’s suffering and imprisonment. Nineteen months later, humbled and repentant, Phelps wrote to Joseph seeking forgiveness. Joseph responded with remarkable generosity, welcoming him back with the famous words, “Come on, dear brother, since the war is past, For friends at first, are friends again at last.”
The story is usually told as a beautiful example of forgiveness, and rightly so. Yet it also illustrates something we often overlook. There were actually two different kinds of forgiveness taking place.
Only the Savior can forgive sins.
Before Phelps could be reconciled with God, he needed Divine Forgiveness. He needed to repent and seek the cleansing power of Jesus Christ’s Atonement. Joseph Smith could not provide that forgiveness. Only the Savior can forgive sins. Only He can determine eternal accountability. Only He can extend the redeeming blessings of repentance.
At the same time, Phelps had wronged Joseph personally. He had betrayed a friend and caused great suffering. Joseph could not forgive Phelps’s sins before God, but he could forgive the personal offense. He could release resentment, abandon any desire for revenge, and receive Phelps back as a brother. That was Brotherly Forgiveness.
This distinction helps answer one of the most common questions people ask: “If I forgive someone, am I letting them off the hook?”
The answer is no.
When we extend Brotherly Forgiveness, we are not pardoning sin. We are not removing accountability. We are not acting as judge. We are simply relinquishing a responsibility that never belonged to us in the first place.
The Lord Himself drew this distinction when He declared, “I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men” (Doctrine and Covenants 64:10). The Lord reserves Divine Forgiveness for Himself. Brotherly Forgiveness He requires of us.
Elder Gerrit W. Gong captured this distinction beautifully when he taught, “The Lord, who sees and understands perfectly, forgives whom He will; we (being imperfect) are to forgive all.”
That understanding changes everything.
Many people resist forgiveness because they mistakenly believe they are being asked to excuse wrongdoing. They assume forgiveness means pretending the offense never happened, overlooking justice, or allowing themselves to be hurt again. But Brotherly Forgiveness requires none of those things. It does not mean excusing evil, forgetting the offense, or abandoning healthy boundaries. Rather, it means surrendering resentment and trusting God to administer perfect justice.
The burden we carry when we refuse to forgive is often heavier than we realize. We replay conversations. We relive painful experiences. We wait for the offender to suffer consequences equal to the pain they caused. In doing so, we unintentionally tether our peace to another person’s behavior.
Brotherly Forgiveness breaks that tether.
Divine Forgiveness requires repentance. Brotherly Forgiveness requires release.
Divine Forgiveness and Brotherly Forgiveness are closely connected because both ultimately point us to Jesus Christ. Divine Forgiveness addresses the sinner’s need for cleansing. Brotherly Forgiveness addresses the wounded person’s need for healing. Divine Forgiveness requires repentance. Brotherly Forgiveness requires release. One frees us from the consequences of sin; the other frees us from the burden of resentment.
This distinction has helped many people who sincerely wanted to obey the Lord’s command but struggled to understand what He was asking of them. The Lord is not asking victims to do His work. He is not asking them to pardon sins or determine eternal consequences. He is asking them to trust Him enough to let Him do what only He can do.
When we understand these two distinct paths to peace, the doctrine of forgiveness becomes both clearer and more hopeful. Divine Forgiveness leads the repentant sinner to Christ. Brotherly Forgiveness leads the wounded heart to Christ. Both depend upon His grace. Both rely upon His Atonement. And both remind us that Jesus Christ is not only the Redeemer of sinners but also the Healer of broken hearts.
Healing the Wounded Heart: Forgiving One Another Through the Enabling Power of Jesus Christ releases July 1 CLICK HERE to preorder.
