While participating in group counseling, each of the ten men in the group agreed to provide feedback to each other as they presented their assignments. In the counseling world, this is called feedback. For many of those men, it felt like criticism.
As those men shared the story of their life and relationships, they attempted to identify the distorted core beliefs and poor decisions that led them to commit a crime and put them in prison. Sometimes a man would attempt to justify his behavior by blaming someone else or blaming some circumstances beyond his control that led to him to do something so horribly wrong.
More experienced group members would point out how the presenter was trying to avoid responsibility for his actions. Those experienced group members had already made the painful discovery of identifying how they were personally responsible for their bad choices. And they could see themselves in this man’s attempt to avoid accountability. It was powerful when an older group member said, “Stop that. Don’t try to sidestep what you did. You can’t con a con!”
Learning to give and receive feedback can be an important step in our growth and progression. I would submit that there is an important difference between feedback and criticism. Feedback is designed to help recognize areas for improvement. Criticism most often tears people down. Some might say, “Oh, but it’s just constructive criticism.”
In his book, Without Offense: The Art of Giving and Receiving Criticism1, Dr. John Lund said that there is no such thing as “constructive criticism” unless the other person has given you permission to criticize. Just like the men in prison agreed to give feedback, the other person needs to agree to receive criticism. If not, he or she will most often become upset and defensive and in no mood to accept advice, let alone apply that advice.
So how are we doing? How can we give and receive words of advice/feedback/criticism? Are we sufficiently humble to receive criticism? Are we sufficiently sincere to offer loving criticism?
Are we using the principles taught in Doctrine and Covenants 121:
41 No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood [men and women], only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;
42 By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—
43 Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;
44 That he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death.
Dr. Lund counseled not to give criticism in the heat of the moment. Unless there is an immediate risk of physical danger or potential damage to property, wait. When doing marriage counseling, Dr. John Gottman has couples wear pulse oximeters to measure their heartbeat and breathing. If they are too agitated, they wait. When they focus on being calm enough to hear, listen, and understand each other, then they continue counseling.
Here are five suggestions for productive feedback/constructive criticism:
- Set aside time each week to listen to each other’s concerns. Choose a time when calm prevails.
- Express love and appreciation to each other. State the things that are going well.
- Then address concerns using “I statements.” Avoid labels. Don’t attack each other, attack the problems. For example, avoid “You irritate me when you ignore doing the dishes, you are so lazy!” Instead, use “I feel unappreciated when dirty dishes are left in the sink. I wonder if we can set up a way to share this job.”
- When trying to solve a problem, express what you really want, let them express what they really want, then combine your solutions and find what works for both of you. Confirm it with what the Lord wants.
May the Lord bless us to uplift, edify, and strengthen our relationships with loving, caring feedback as we strive to do better and be better.
Notes:
- Lund, John L., 2004, Covenant Communications, Inc.:American Fork, UT.
