Is it me? Or is it you? Who does this benefit? Who does this help? Who gets the recognition and reward?

When counseling in prison, I met a man there who was 28 years old who had already had 14 different girlfriends. He admitted that he had a healthy emotional connection with only four of them. He used those relationships only for his benefit. Fortunately, he married the last one. Unfortunately, he told her he needed “more love.” Sadly, she gave him permission to have other girlfriends as long as he would come home each night. For him, the arrow pointed inward. He was focused only on his own needs.

During group counseling, he was challenged with the question, “Instead of living your belief that you need more love, what if you decided to give more love?” If he did that, then the arrow would point outward. He would care about others at least as much as he cares about himself. What direction does the arrow point in the two great commandments? Love God and love your neighbor as yourself.

How are we doing? Putting the needs of themselves over others is the reason these men were in prison. While most of us are not going to prison, what can we do better to change our focus?

In his devotional at the Provo MTC, December 25, 2011, Elder David A. Bednar of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles quoted Mosiah 3:19: “For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.”

Elder Bednar explained that the natural man is focused inward. He is self-absorbed, self-centered, and selfish. The spiritual man, Elder Bednar continued, personifies love, compassion, and service. The spiritual man is a true disciple of Jesus Christ.

Adjusting to Missionary Life provides suggestions that we can all use to focus outward:

  • Focus on helping and ministering to others. As you turn your attention to others’ needs, you will feel less self-conscious about your own needs or inadequacies (see Mosiah 2:17).
  • Learn to ask inspired questions. Learn and practice questions to get other people talking. Ask people about their work, hobbies, family, or personal history. Ask about what matters most to them, what they yearn for or worry about. Show your sincere interest.
  • Find simple ways to get others’ attention. Try simply smiling, making eye contact, waving, saying hello, paying them a compliment, offering help, or asking questions that start with who, what, when, where, why, or how.
  • Make a goal to get to know one new person at every meeting you attend. Use the person’s name in the first minute and when you end the conversation. Write down the name to help you remember.
  • Be straightforward and kind. Avoid negative labels or judgments.
  • Don’t take offense. Take suggestions, even if rudely given, with as much grace and humor as you can muster.
  • Compliment others often. Thank them for things you appreciate.
  • Pray for the gift of charity. Do so “with all the energy of heart” (Moroni 7:48). Ask for eyes to see others as God sees them.

May the Lord bless us to turn outward, to become spiritual men and women, and follow the perfect example of our Savior Jesus Christ.