Sometimes in our rush to express empathy to someone who is sharing a deeply tender experience, we say, “I know exactly how you feel.” Even though we are trying to be helpful and compassionate, we have just discounted their experience and turned the focus on ourselves. Or, as they share their experience, we might be tempted to interject a similar experience of our own. “Oh, I’m so sorry your loved one passed away. It reminds me of when my brother died in an auto accident in 1992.” Again, we have replaced empathy and compassion by focusing on ourselves.

Dr. Brené Brown, renowned psychologist, said that the four qualities of empathy are: taking on the perspective of another person, staying out of judgment, recognizing the emotion in other people, and communicating our understanding of their feelings.1 We just need to be with them “in the moment.” We are there as a listener. We are attempting, however imperfectly, to understand and feel a little of what they feel as they share their experience. As Alma taught in the Book of Mormon, we “mourn with those that mourn, comfort those that stand in need of comfort”2 without criticism and without judgment.

During therapy in prison, one group was working on issues from their past where they continued to experience PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder, now simply termed PTS). Those deep-seated issues prevented them from making progress in developing and maintaining healthy relationships. In the safety of this group, safe both physically and emotionally, they shared their experiences. For most of them, it was the first time that they felt they could share those overwhelming emotions.

As they shared, they did not compare their experience with the other group members or try to make their experience more severe than another group member’s experience. They simply listened and were “in the moment.” One man shared the loss of squad members during combat in Vietnam. Another shared his diagnosis of TBI (traumatic brain injury) while serving in Afghanistan. One told of being sexually abused. One group member told of being abandoned by his parents.  And there were more.

When they felt heard and understood, these men transitioned from being victims to being survivors. They learned to “own” their own story. Because someone listened and cared, they no longer had to carry their burden alone. They controlled their story. Their story no longer controlled them.

So, what can we do? Be available to listen and care. We can’t force the issue. We can’t urge them to share. We can let them know we are always caring and never judgmental. We can show them through our daily interactions with them and with others that we are not critical, but accepting and trustworthy.

For any among us who struggle with ongoing emotional trauma, we can look to Him who wept when Lazarus died, who groaned within himself. For perfect love, perfect empathy, and perfect compassion, we can always turn to the Lord. Elder Patrick Kearon has taught us that “In Gethsemane and on Calvary, Jesus “took upon Himself… all of the anguish and suffering ever experienced by you and me, and He has overcome it all! With arms outstretched, the Savior offers the gift of healing to you.”3

Jesus does know exactly how we feel!

May the Lord bless us to listen with our hearts and connect with others as we strive to become like Him.

Footnotes

1 Brenebrown.com

2 Mosiah 18:9

3 Kearon, Patrick, He is Risen with Healing in His Wings: We Can Be More Than Conquerors, General Conference, April 2022.