I appreciate this article, and I would stress that the very good questions suggested are not appropriate to ask unless you have a relationship with the person. I would NOT want to be asked "What is divorce court like?" by someone I don't know very well. If it seems that someone is lonely or doesn't appear to have friends to talk with, we might be tempted to be their sounding board, but we need to be VERY cautious about asking personal questions, no matter how carefully they are phrased. A sister in our ward lost her first baby very close to the end of her pregnancy. I had experienced the same thing years ago. I didn't know her, but I sent her a letter of sympathy, and told her if she ever needed to talk I would be happy to listen, since I had experienced a very similar loss. She chose not to contact me, and that was ok. She had loved ones and others to talk with. I don't think asking her any questions would have been appropriate in this example. Many times people just need a hug and to know that you are praying for them.
Laura LesebergDecember 4, 2025
As I have faced some of the things you mention (autoimmune disease that ebbs & flows, parent on hospice, etc), I can really relate to this shift in perspective! I love this, and plan to use this phrasing whenever I can.
HelenCDecember 4, 2025
Thank you. I know the well-intentioned inquiries often fall short of their mark. When I returned to work after my oldest daughter had died from breast cancer a truly sensitive coworker stepped in front of me as I navigated my way to my desk for the first time in a year. She simply asked, “Would you prefer to talk about it or not?” That allowed me to acknowledge MY need without needing to please her.
Paul BishopDecember 4, 2025
I really appreciated this article and its new perspective asking friends struggling with health problems or difficult personal situations how they 'are doing.' As suggested, using a more generalized question regarding a friend's ongoing experiencing opens the door for a wider, less personally intrusive, conversation. A friend may not want to explain the status of their struggle in the moment due to embarrassment or resentment toward a perceived need to 'report' or give an 'update' on their physical or mental health (as if the questioner was in a position of superiority), but they might be more willing (and possibly grateful) to share their overall experience with the situation they are facing.
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MaryannDecember 8, 2025
I appreciate this article, and I would stress that the very good questions suggested are not appropriate to ask unless you have a relationship with the person. I would NOT want to be asked "What is divorce court like?" by someone I don't know very well. If it seems that someone is lonely or doesn't appear to have friends to talk with, we might be tempted to be their sounding board, but we need to be VERY cautious about asking personal questions, no matter how carefully they are phrased. A sister in our ward lost her first baby very close to the end of her pregnancy. I had experienced the same thing years ago. I didn't know her, but I sent her a letter of sympathy, and told her if she ever needed to talk I would be happy to listen, since I had experienced a very similar loss. She chose not to contact me, and that was ok. She had loved ones and others to talk with. I don't think asking her any questions would have been appropriate in this example. Many times people just need a hug and to know that you are praying for them.
Laura LesebergDecember 4, 2025
As I have faced some of the things you mention (autoimmune disease that ebbs & flows, parent on hospice, etc), I can really relate to this shift in perspective! I love this, and plan to use this phrasing whenever I can.
HelenCDecember 4, 2025
Thank you. I know the well-intentioned inquiries often fall short of their mark. When I returned to work after my oldest daughter had died from breast cancer a truly sensitive coworker stepped in front of me as I navigated my way to my desk for the first time in a year. She simply asked, “Would you prefer to talk about it or not?” That allowed me to acknowledge MY need without needing to please her.
Paul BishopDecember 4, 2025
I really appreciated this article and its new perspective asking friends struggling with health problems or difficult personal situations how they 'are doing.' As suggested, using a more generalized question regarding a friend's ongoing experiencing opens the door for a wider, less personally intrusive, conversation. A friend may not want to explain the status of their struggle in the moment due to embarrassment or resentment toward a perceived need to 'report' or give an 'update' on their physical or mental health (as if the questioner was in a position of superiority), but they might be more willing (and possibly grateful) to share their overall experience with the situation they are facing.
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