This was a timely article for me. It came out while I was on a cross-country road trip with my family, and one of the goals was to meet with my brother-in-law to get permission to do the work for his deceased wife. Unfortunately, the phone number we had for him seemed to no longer work.
My husband's family was complex, since his mother remarried several times. My husband ended up being raised alone by his abusive, schizophrenic father. He joined the church, and together we discussed how best to reconstitute this fractured family, then did the work for his parents and half-brother. But for years he resisted doing the sealing for his parents, along with his own (and his brother's) sealing to them. He struggled to forgive.
When my husband passed away last year, one of my first thoughts was that he went to heal his family on the other side, and that I needed to complete this work as soon as possible. I realized it was time to do my husband's sister, who had passed away just three years ago from COVID. Then I could seal all three deceased siblings to these parents. But I found that with my husband's death, we could not continue with his family's work because we no longer had him as a sibling to consent. Now we had to get permission from a close relative.
God blessed our mission and we were able to locate my children's uncle, have a heart-to-heart talk with him about the changes in our lives, and receive his acceptance to do the ordinances for his late wife. I appreciated this article and its comments because it helped me to know of others' experiences dealing with reluctance to do ordinances for abusive family members. I am further understanding our Father's love and His ability to get things done: healing, reconciliation, and ordinances, whether on this or the other side of the veil. Truly, His perspective and purposes are wider than our own.
Deborist Benjamin BurkeJuly 6, 2025
Brilliantly written, and well needed article! When teaching primary through out the years, I nearly disassociated when we sang the words: “we are a happy family”! Healing is long and laborious, it comes and goes like an emotional herpes, and at times just as noticeable ! I’m at a point where I’m having a ‘breakout’ and the sores are causing me to want to heal once and for all…do the work, get it over with , let the chips fall where they fall, this article has helped immensely , thank you Paul, and God bless all of us comrades in arms of abusive families ! Deborist
Paul BishopJuly 2, 2025
Thank you to everyone who has read and commented on this article. When I wrote it I was struggling not just with the subject matter discussed but also with a sense of spiritual isolation. Logically I knew I couldn't be the only individual facing this situation, but because it is rarely discussed openly, it sometimes felt that way. Your heartfelt, at times heart-wrenching, comments have strengthened my testimony and given my family history efforts a new sense of purpose...
SJune 30, 2025
I needed to read this. My mother's family are not members of the Church and both of her parents are deceased. We have done work for her mother, but have been sitting on her father's ordinances for years. She wants nothing to do with it and told me I can do what I want. I have struggled because of the amount of trauma he inflicted on my grandma and mother, which in turn was passed down to me in different ways. I have felt that he doesn't deserve it because of how he was. But I have also felt a gentle nudge here and there that I need to get his work done, and for a long time I resented that feeling. I could no longer deny the prompting - I was starting to feel like Jonah - so my brother & I are going to take his name (among others) to the temple this weekend. I'm still struggling, which is how I stumbled upon this article. Just what I needed to read at just the right time. Thank you.
Rosie BrinsekJune 26, 2025
Thank you for this article. I find myself getting blocked by resentment if I spend too much time with the papers I inherited from my narcissistic mother & grandmother. Yes, I know they suffered too, blah blah blah, but I've heard about it all my life. Reading through my grandmother's autobiographies becomes exhausting. And as Dr. Ramani Dursavala points out, suffering as a child is not a license to treat other people like crap.
I have dome the temple work for my parents & grandparents but I'm not sealed to them yet. Someday.
Ben JonesJune 26, 2025
I married a divorced LDS woman with three children. A year later I legally adopted her children. A year after that, I joined the LDS Church. A year after that, my wife had her sealing to her first husband cancelled, and then we were sealed in the Temple. By that time, we had 2 of our own children. We thought we would have them sealed to us in a Temple ceremony along with our own sealing but because they were born while my wife was still sealed to her ex-husband, they were considered "born in the covenant". They along with her three children are now sealed to me by virtue of me being sealed to her.
MaryannJune 25, 2025
Thank you so much for your compassionate sensitivity regarding very painful relationships. You have lifted the guilt from many today. No one should feel compelled to do the temple work for their abusers until they are ready, or they prefer that someone else do it.
David HJune 25, 2025
My sister and I were victims of physical, emotional and even spiritual abuse at the hands of our parents while growing up as children. Even after we left the family as adults the emotional and threatening physical abuse continued. I am the only member of the Church in my family and have struggled and suffered much pain throughout my lifetime in relationships and activity in Church. My father has passed several years ago and mother is 88 years old and is absolutely unapproachable in making and restoring peace in our dysfunctional family dynamics. As I am an active member in the Church now for many years, I find myself with the undanting task of fulfilling my Genealogical responsibilities, however, I feel the absolute necessity of doing their work in the Temple as it is an opportunity to forgive and heal the deep emotional scars left in their wake. Our Saviour has provided a way of healing through His Atonement and perfect example of His infinite love for all humankind.
Name withheldJune 25, 2025
I had no desire to perform my cruel and abusive grandmother's temple work, until I had an extraordinary experience discovering my grandfather's military history, which explained so much about his own abusive behavior in life. I felt he was reaching through the veil, pleading for forgiveness and understanding. When I watched my middle daughter be baptized for her great grandma, I had the impression this was the fulfilling of a promise made long before this life. While sitting in the endowment room on her behalf, I had the powerful impression of what a blessing and beautiful opportunity it is just to live in mortality, something my grandma failed to appreciate while alive. And then when I passed through the veil and met up with my husband, who had performed the work for my grandfather, we sat together and sobbed and he shared the impression of chains breaking, of my grandfather being freed form a lifetime of pain. And I was left with the impression that my grandmother was made new and whole and would be a different person when I next met her, and to let the rest go and forgive. It was very healing. Her abuse echoed down to my father, who passed it on to me, and that is something I still struggle to handle, but the abuse went no further and I've raised my daughters in a different home environment because of the restored gospel. For that I am eternally grateful.
Name withheldJune 25, 2025
I am estranged from an emotionally cruel mother who is elderly and this article hits home for me, because this future situation has been on my mind a lot.
My loving but enabling father passed not long ago, and I did not participate in his ordinance work, but each of my children did. I felt his loving sprit surround me during one of my temple trips and in my heart I believe he was happy about his work being done.
While I can't be around my mother anymore in mortal life, at least not now, the Spirit keeps letting me know "She won't always be like this" and that someday her mind and spirit will be clear and she will be able to love me the way a mother should. Everyday I have to ask Heavenly Father to help me forgive her 100%. I pray that when I cross the veil, the scales will lifted from my eyes (mind, spirit) too and I will have understanding and compassion for why she behaved as she did. Her work will be done eventually - and I pray for the possibility of a normal, happy and healed family someday. Meanwhile, I thank Father everyday for making up my lack with the husband and children he gave me. God is so good. Hopefully our struggling family members will come to that realization too.
Name WithheldJune 24, 2025
My wife was raised in a dysfunctional, abusive family. Decades later, she still struggles with the consequences of her upbringing and experiences.
That being said, almost 15 years ago, her then living siblings decided to seal their deceased non-member father to their deceased member mother and seal the children to their parents. All had mixed emotions about doing this, but they felt it was what they should do. No one had any high expectations.
Some details are too sacred to share, but I will say that as my wife and I participated in these proxy ordinances, we unexpectedly had one of THE most powerful spiritual experiences of our entire lives!
Dyana G. A.June 24, 2025
I was in the process of Sealing my mother's grandmother to her husband and as I was kneeling at the alter I was hesitant because he had molested my mother and most likely her mom, his daughter. My mom suffered from mental health challenges as a result of that abuse and often took it out on me so generational trauma is real. The beautiful thing was that the Spirit whispered to me that the blessings of the sealing were for my great grandmother, not him. I was so glad that I moved forward with the work as it also brought comfort to me that sometimes Sealing blessings are for the benefit of those that are willing to choose and live worthy of them.
Patsy SwinsonJune 24, 2025
I had others perform my parents' temple work so I fulfilled as much of my responsibility as I felt like I was capable of, except for the last part. I could not bring myself to be sealed to them myself. That part was just too repugnant. I presume someone else will take care of that at some point after I have died, but I can't imagine ever accepting it. There is no amount of time that could pass which would make their sins against me acceptable. That doesn't mean I refuse to forgive them. It just means they were never parents to me and I never want to be their daughter. It would be far easier to be sealed to complete strangers. Even if they ever repented in the Spirit World, I would have to have a case of amnesia to find their treatment of me less than abominable.
Gordon HensleyJune 24, 2025
Don't let a troubled family past keep you from being sealed to your ancestral family lines. The unrepentant ones will be left out and the lines of sealing will be reconnected so you can be joined all the way back through to Noah and Adam. My grandmother had three husbands, the last of which was indirectly responsible for her untimely demise. We were instructed to have her sealed to all three, and to let her decide which, if any, she would keep.
Gayle RandellJune 24, 2025
I
I was abused by my grandfather when I was very young and his associates.
I stuffed away all those memories for years. I believe that when it was time, as a n adult in my late 30’s,
Memories started to surface.
I was fortunate to have a LDS professional counselor who walked me thru one year of therapy to help me get through the trauma of the memory’s of the trauma and then to let it go.
I aproched a male member of my ward to do all the temple work for my grandfather. After his work was done, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off me, and I was totally healed.
My grandfather’s fate is now between him and God and I don’t have to ever think about him anymore.
As I continue to lean on my Heavenly Father for my love and support, my life keeps getting better and better
Rochelle HaleJune 24, 2025
This is a quandary. In my research, I have come across several divorces, abandoned children, adoptions, etc. Most recently, my own mother passed, and my (deceased) siblings and I were finally able to be sealed to our parents, both of whom had other spouses. I have met with difficulty "asking permission" from non-member relatives who 1) don't understand why we do this work, or 2) don't see any reason if the couple didn't want to be together on earth. I think we can record the facts to the best of our ability, submit the names for ordinances, and let the Lord take care of the hereafter.
Martin RoundyJune 24, 2025
For nearly 40 years I was a mental health professional and my therapy focused on adult survivors of child sexual abuse. Prior to that I was a released-time LDS seminary instructor. My teaching ended when I became a divorced single parent of 6 children. I believed I would never do anything as spiritually significant than teaching the gospel to students. I was incorrect. My time spent supporting survivors heal their wounds and take back their lives was intensely spiritual and involved the frequent intervention of divine resources. So often the issues covered so beautifully in this piece were central to the process of healing. The manner and compassionate approach you took was, I believe, powerfully helpful for anyone whose life experiences involved child abuse of any kind, but particularly when sexual abuse was part of childhood. I am certain that many who know of what you wrote will find your wordd to be balm of Gidion. Thank you!
SusanielsonJune 24, 2025
As a Family History consultant, I was saddened to find so many of my ward members had such painful family relationships. I felt prompted to advise them much as you did. That they could wait until they felt ready to perform those ordinances for them, or ask others to help.
Very helpful counsel, thank you.
Comments | Return to Story
A. HamptonJuly 7, 2025
This was a timely article for me. It came out while I was on a cross-country road trip with my family, and one of the goals was to meet with my brother-in-law to get permission to do the work for his deceased wife. Unfortunately, the phone number we had for him seemed to no longer work. My husband's family was complex, since his mother remarried several times. My husband ended up being raised alone by his abusive, schizophrenic father. He joined the church, and together we discussed how best to reconstitute this fractured family, then did the work for his parents and half-brother. But for years he resisted doing the sealing for his parents, along with his own (and his brother's) sealing to them. He struggled to forgive. When my husband passed away last year, one of my first thoughts was that he went to heal his family on the other side, and that I needed to complete this work as soon as possible. I realized it was time to do my husband's sister, who had passed away just three years ago from COVID. Then I could seal all three deceased siblings to these parents. But I found that with my husband's death, we could not continue with his family's work because we no longer had him as a sibling to consent. Now we had to get permission from a close relative. God blessed our mission and we were able to locate my children's uncle, have a heart-to-heart talk with him about the changes in our lives, and receive his acceptance to do the ordinances for his late wife. I appreciated this article and its comments because it helped me to know of others' experiences dealing with reluctance to do ordinances for abusive family members. I am further understanding our Father's love and His ability to get things done: healing, reconciliation, and ordinances, whether on this or the other side of the veil. Truly, His perspective and purposes are wider than our own.
Deborist Benjamin BurkeJuly 6, 2025
Brilliantly written, and well needed article! When teaching primary through out the years, I nearly disassociated when we sang the words: “we are a happy family”! Healing is long and laborious, it comes and goes like an emotional herpes, and at times just as noticeable ! I’m at a point where I’m having a ‘breakout’ and the sores are causing me to want to heal once and for all…do the work, get it over with , let the chips fall where they fall, this article has helped immensely , thank you Paul, and God bless all of us comrades in arms of abusive families ! Deborist
Paul BishopJuly 2, 2025
Thank you to everyone who has read and commented on this article. When I wrote it I was struggling not just with the subject matter discussed but also with a sense of spiritual isolation. Logically I knew I couldn't be the only individual facing this situation, but because it is rarely discussed openly, it sometimes felt that way. Your heartfelt, at times heart-wrenching, comments have strengthened my testimony and given my family history efforts a new sense of purpose...
SJune 30, 2025
I needed to read this. My mother's family are not members of the Church and both of her parents are deceased. We have done work for her mother, but have been sitting on her father's ordinances for years. She wants nothing to do with it and told me I can do what I want. I have struggled because of the amount of trauma he inflicted on my grandma and mother, which in turn was passed down to me in different ways. I have felt that he doesn't deserve it because of how he was. But I have also felt a gentle nudge here and there that I need to get his work done, and for a long time I resented that feeling. I could no longer deny the prompting - I was starting to feel like Jonah - so my brother & I are going to take his name (among others) to the temple this weekend. I'm still struggling, which is how I stumbled upon this article. Just what I needed to read at just the right time. Thank you.
Rosie BrinsekJune 26, 2025
Thank you for this article. I find myself getting blocked by resentment if I spend too much time with the papers I inherited from my narcissistic mother & grandmother. Yes, I know they suffered too, blah blah blah, but I've heard about it all my life. Reading through my grandmother's autobiographies becomes exhausting. And as Dr. Ramani Dursavala points out, suffering as a child is not a license to treat other people like crap. I have dome the temple work for my parents & grandparents but I'm not sealed to them yet. Someday.
Ben JonesJune 26, 2025
I married a divorced LDS woman with three children. A year later I legally adopted her children. A year after that, I joined the LDS Church. A year after that, my wife had her sealing to her first husband cancelled, and then we were sealed in the Temple. By that time, we had 2 of our own children. We thought we would have them sealed to us in a Temple ceremony along with our own sealing but because they were born while my wife was still sealed to her ex-husband, they were considered "born in the covenant". They along with her three children are now sealed to me by virtue of me being sealed to her.
MaryannJune 25, 2025
Thank you so much for your compassionate sensitivity regarding very painful relationships. You have lifted the guilt from many today. No one should feel compelled to do the temple work for their abusers until they are ready, or they prefer that someone else do it.
David HJune 25, 2025
My sister and I were victims of physical, emotional and even spiritual abuse at the hands of our parents while growing up as children. Even after we left the family as adults the emotional and threatening physical abuse continued. I am the only member of the Church in my family and have struggled and suffered much pain throughout my lifetime in relationships and activity in Church. My father has passed several years ago and mother is 88 years old and is absolutely unapproachable in making and restoring peace in our dysfunctional family dynamics. As I am an active member in the Church now for many years, I find myself with the undanting task of fulfilling my Genealogical responsibilities, however, I feel the absolute necessity of doing their work in the Temple as it is an opportunity to forgive and heal the deep emotional scars left in their wake. Our Saviour has provided a way of healing through His Atonement and perfect example of His infinite love for all humankind.
Name withheldJune 25, 2025
I had no desire to perform my cruel and abusive grandmother's temple work, until I had an extraordinary experience discovering my grandfather's military history, which explained so much about his own abusive behavior in life. I felt he was reaching through the veil, pleading for forgiveness and understanding. When I watched my middle daughter be baptized for her great grandma, I had the impression this was the fulfilling of a promise made long before this life. While sitting in the endowment room on her behalf, I had the powerful impression of what a blessing and beautiful opportunity it is just to live in mortality, something my grandma failed to appreciate while alive. And then when I passed through the veil and met up with my husband, who had performed the work for my grandfather, we sat together and sobbed and he shared the impression of chains breaking, of my grandfather being freed form a lifetime of pain. And I was left with the impression that my grandmother was made new and whole and would be a different person when I next met her, and to let the rest go and forgive. It was very healing. Her abuse echoed down to my father, who passed it on to me, and that is something I still struggle to handle, but the abuse went no further and I've raised my daughters in a different home environment because of the restored gospel. For that I am eternally grateful.
Name withheldJune 25, 2025
I am estranged from an emotionally cruel mother who is elderly and this article hits home for me, because this future situation has been on my mind a lot. My loving but enabling father passed not long ago, and I did not participate in his ordinance work, but each of my children did. I felt his loving sprit surround me during one of my temple trips and in my heart I believe he was happy about his work being done. While I can't be around my mother anymore in mortal life, at least not now, the Spirit keeps letting me know "She won't always be like this" and that someday her mind and spirit will be clear and she will be able to love me the way a mother should. Everyday I have to ask Heavenly Father to help me forgive her 100%. I pray that when I cross the veil, the scales will lifted from my eyes (mind, spirit) too and I will have understanding and compassion for why she behaved as she did. Her work will be done eventually - and I pray for the possibility of a normal, happy and healed family someday. Meanwhile, I thank Father everyday for making up my lack with the husband and children he gave me. God is so good. Hopefully our struggling family members will come to that realization too.
Name WithheldJune 24, 2025
My wife was raised in a dysfunctional, abusive family. Decades later, she still struggles with the consequences of her upbringing and experiences. That being said, almost 15 years ago, her then living siblings decided to seal their deceased non-member father to their deceased member mother and seal the children to their parents. All had mixed emotions about doing this, but they felt it was what they should do. No one had any high expectations. Some details are too sacred to share, but I will say that as my wife and I participated in these proxy ordinances, we unexpectedly had one of THE most powerful spiritual experiences of our entire lives!
Dyana G. A.June 24, 2025
I was in the process of Sealing my mother's grandmother to her husband and as I was kneeling at the alter I was hesitant because he had molested my mother and most likely her mom, his daughter. My mom suffered from mental health challenges as a result of that abuse and often took it out on me so generational trauma is real. The beautiful thing was that the Spirit whispered to me that the blessings of the sealing were for my great grandmother, not him. I was so glad that I moved forward with the work as it also brought comfort to me that sometimes Sealing blessings are for the benefit of those that are willing to choose and live worthy of them.
Patsy SwinsonJune 24, 2025
I had others perform my parents' temple work so I fulfilled as much of my responsibility as I felt like I was capable of, except for the last part. I could not bring myself to be sealed to them myself. That part was just too repugnant. I presume someone else will take care of that at some point after I have died, but I can't imagine ever accepting it. There is no amount of time that could pass which would make their sins against me acceptable. That doesn't mean I refuse to forgive them. It just means they were never parents to me and I never want to be their daughter. It would be far easier to be sealed to complete strangers. Even if they ever repented in the Spirit World, I would have to have a case of amnesia to find their treatment of me less than abominable.
Gordon HensleyJune 24, 2025
Don't let a troubled family past keep you from being sealed to your ancestral family lines. The unrepentant ones will be left out and the lines of sealing will be reconnected so you can be joined all the way back through to Noah and Adam. My grandmother had three husbands, the last of which was indirectly responsible for her untimely demise. We were instructed to have her sealed to all three, and to let her decide which, if any, she would keep.
Gayle RandellJune 24, 2025
I I was abused by my grandfather when I was very young and his associates. I stuffed away all those memories for years. I believe that when it was time, as a n adult in my late 30’s, Memories started to surface. I was fortunate to have a LDS professional counselor who walked me thru one year of therapy to help me get through the trauma of the memory’s of the trauma and then to let it go. I aproched a male member of my ward to do all the temple work for my grandfather. After his work was done, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off me, and I was totally healed. My grandfather’s fate is now between him and God and I don’t have to ever think about him anymore. As I continue to lean on my Heavenly Father for my love and support, my life keeps getting better and better
Rochelle HaleJune 24, 2025
This is a quandary. In my research, I have come across several divorces, abandoned children, adoptions, etc. Most recently, my own mother passed, and my (deceased) siblings and I were finally able to be sealed to our parents, both of whom had other spouses. I have met with difficulty "asking permission" from non-member relatives who 1) don't understand why we do this work, or 2) don't see any reason if the couple didn't want to be together on earth. I think we can record the facts to the best of our ability, submit the names for ordinances, and let the Lord take care of the hereafter.
Martin RoundyJune 24, 2025
For nearly 40 years I was a mental health professional and my therapy focused on adult survivors of child sexual abuse. Prior to that I was a released-time LDS seminary instructor. My teaching ended when I became a divorced single parent of 6 children. I believed I would never do anything as spiritually significant than teaching the gospel to students. I was incorrect. My time spent supporting survivors heal their wounds and take back their lives was intensely spiritual and involved the frequent intervention of divine resources. So often the issues covered so beautifully in this piece were central to the process of healing. The manner and compassionate approach you took was, I believe, powerfully helpful for anyone whose life experiences involved child abuse of any kind, but particularly when sexual abuse was part of childhood. I am certain that many who know of what you wrote will find your wordd to be balm of Gidion. Thank you!
SusanielsonJune 24, 2025
As a Family History consultant, I was saddened to find so many of my ward members had such painful family relationships. I felt prompted to advise them much as you did. That they could wait until they felt ready to perform those ordinances for them, or ask others to help. Very helpful counsel, thank you.
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