Having three of my seven children leave church activity has been one of the most gut wrenching, painful events of my life. I was very grateful that my son announced this to my husband over the telephone so that I had a chance to calm down. If he had told me this personally, I know I would have become unhinged. HOW does someone who faithfully served a mission, married in the temple, sincerely voiced their testimony many times, served diligently as Elder's Quorum President, fall way and reject the very foundation of Christ's gospel that they were raised with their entire lives? It is inconceivable to me, yet I know many parents are experiencing this. My advice is to avoid any conversation when you first get the news, because it is not going to be pretty. "I love you, and cannot talk about this right now" is sufficient. If you pretend everything is just peachy, you are lying to them and to yourself. We have continued to love and communicate that love to our three children, but it has been a blow you never really "get over." I am watching my beautiful grandchildren grow up without the gospel. One of my granddaughters will be eight this year. My heart is broken that she will not be baptized, or even know about the principle. She will go through her teen years without the strength that comes from church attendance, commitment to the Savior and His gospel, and the gift of the Holy Ghost. We do not argue, debate, or put our children down. We do not drop "hints" that they should return. We just love them, but the loss we feel is indescribable. I survive with the knowledge that they are in the Lord's hands and he loves them. We continue to pray for them, and we will never give up hope.
KirkFebruary 2, 2026
I’ve seen myself in these examples of challenging conversations. Thanks for the inspired direction and suggestions. My heart is touched and I’m taking notice of ways I can be better.
Wendy QuirkeFebruary 2, 2026
When your children no longer go to church, should you initiat a conversation or say nothing?
DJJanuary 31, 2026
Thank you. I'm printing so the message doesn't get lost.
Corey D.January 31, 2026
Pretty powerful article Brother Grenny. These types of discussions are the hardest there is. I have two adult children who no longer attend church, one has children and the other doesn't. Both are divorced or in the process of getting divorced. Both I have had situations with that caused very strained relationships and anger, one to this day I don't know why for sure and the other one talking with their Bishop caused problems. We are okay now but it was rough times and still things are somewhat tenuous. I finished in November a service mission with the Transitional Services Office, who I'm sure you are familiar with. You learn you have to be very patient, emphathetic, basically very Christ like dealing with some of the people who come in. Most who came in for help were very thankful but there were those who had a lot of anger for a variety of reasons, some of those were either the religious fanatics (keep in mind mental instability) and those who felt the church owed them or had a bad attitude about the church or had had a bad experience in the church with a leader or leaders or other members or family. You learn to pick your words and phrases and tone of voice very carefully. Thanks for the article and all you do for those who struggle.
AnnieJanuary 31, 2026
I found this illuminating, Plenty of opportunities to apply these relationship skills in everyday life. Thank you.
AnnieJanuary 30, 2026
When my daughter called me from Europe, she had been out of the church for a few years. Her call hightened my anxiety because I knew she had to have a good reason to call from so far away! Then she said, "Mom, I have something to tell you." "Sure, what is it?" I said. "Mom, I'm pregnant," she replied. She was not married and my spirit was screaming at me saying "Be careful! You could lose her forever if you don't stop and think before speaking!" And I did. I took a long breath and said, "Well, Sweetie, are you happy?" Her reply, "Oh, yes! I'm so happy!" told me everything I needed to hear. "Then I'm happy for you!" I replied. And that was it! I averted a disaster by listening to the spirit! We went on discussing the baby's due date and how she was feeling as if the conversation was as natural as breathing. I could have lost her forever if I had not listened to the anxious prompting of the spirit!!! Because I had respoded in that way, I felt confident enough to tell her that she needed to take good care of her body because every thing she took into it would effect the baby. She listened. "No smoking and no drinking! You can irreparbly harm the baby." She listened and followed my advice. That baby is now 25 years old and a college graduate! His mama and I talk on the phone often and we love each other so much!
Daryl GibsonJanuary 30, 2026
All sound advice, sensitively delivered. I would like to hear your suggestions about the daughter's insistence that the church never be spoken of in her presence. Isn't that a bit like insisting that your parents never speak of their jobs, or their friends, or their hobbies, or their social life? It seems like there's room for some give and take. "Hey honey, your Dad just got called as bishop so we won't be able to make Sunday dinner this week." "I'm swamped planning this ward Christmas party. Can we talk later?" "Do you remember your seminary teacher who moved away? She just dropped by to surprise us and said to tell you Hi!" "You're never going to believe who I bumped into at the Temple today."
SaraJanuary 30, 2026
This is incredibly powerful and life changing. Inspiring. We will read it again and share this
JamesJanuary 30, 2026
Thank you for this wonderful and truly helpful article. Two of my four grown and married children have chosen to discontinue participation in church and that is such a hard thing for my wife and I. This article helped me to organize my thoughts and feelings and motivations into more Christlike patterns. Bottom line; I love my children completely and totally independent of their testimonies or lack thereof. They are still awesome and wonderful people. This life is short and eternity is long. Heavenly Father also loves my children and I trust His plan of happiness.
Robert StarlingJanuary 30, 2026
Wow! This is such great counsel on dealing with such important issues! THANK YOU! Almost everyone needs this kind of guidance. Many of us have had these "messy" conversations, and most of us have probably not done well. It is MOST important to express unconditional love, and to invite a continuing dialog. Thanks again for your wisdom and experience in this space.
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MaryannFebruary 4, 2026
Having three of my seven children leave church activity has been one of the most gut wrenching, painful events of my life. I was very grateful that my son announced this to my husband over the telephone so that I had a chance to calm down. If he had told me this personally, I know I would have become unhinged. HOW does someone who faithfully served a mission, married in the temple, sincerely voiced their testimony many times, served diligently as Elder's Quorum President, fall way and reject the very foundation of Christ's gospel that they were raised with their entire lives? It is inconceivable to me, yet I know many parents are experiencing this. My advice is to avoid any conversation when you first get the news, because it is not going to be pretty. "I love you, and cannot talk about this right now" is sufficient. If you pretend everything is just peachy, you are lying to them and to yourself. We have continued to love and communicate that love to our three children, but it has been a blow you never really "get over." I am watching my beautiful grandchildren grow up without the gospel. One of my granddaughters will be eight this year. My heart is broken that she will not be baptized, or even know about the principle. She will go through her teen years without the strength that comes from church attendance, commitment to the Savior and His gospel, and the gift of the Holy Ghost. We do not argue, debate, or put our children down. We do not drop "hints" that they should return. We just love them, but the loss we feel is indescribable. I survive with the knowledge that they are in the Lord's hands and he loves them. We continue to pray for them, and we will never give up hope.
KirkFebruary 2, 2026
I’ve seen myself in these examples of challenging conversations. Thanks for the inspired direction and suggestions. My heart is touched and I’m taking notice of ways I can be better.
Wendy QuirkeFebruary 2, 2026
When your children no longer go to church, should you initiat a conversation or say nothing?
DJJanuary 31, 2026
Thank you. I'm printing so the message doesn't get lost.
Corey D.January 31, 2026
Pretty powerful article Brother Grenny. These types of discussions are the hardest there is. I have two adult children who no longer attend church, one has children and the other doesn't. Both are divorced or in the process of getting divorced. Both I have had situations with that caused very strained relationships and anger, one to this day I don't know why for sure and the other one talking with their Bishop caused problems. We are okay now but it was rough times and still things are somewhat tenuous. I finished in November a service mission with the Transitional Services Office, who I'm sure you are familiar with. You learn you have to be very patient, emphathetic, basically very Christ like dealing with some of the people who come in. Most who came in for help were very thankful but there were those who had a lot of anger for a variety of reasons, some of those were either the religious fanatics (keep in mind mental instability) and those who felt the church owed them or had a bad attitude about the church or had had a bad experience in the church with a leader or leaders or other members or family. You learn to pick your words and phrases and tone of voice very carefully. Thanks for the article and all you do for those who struggle.
AnnieJanuary 31, 2026
I found this illuminating, Plenty of opportunities to apply these relationship skills in everyday life. Thank you.
AnnieJanuary 30, 2026
When my daughter called me from Europe, she had been out of the church for a few years. Her call hightened my anxiety because I knew she had to have a good reason to call from so far away! Then she said, "Mom, I have something to tell you." "Sure, what is it?" I said. "Mom, I'm pregnant," she replied. She was not married and my spirit was screaming at me saying "Be careful! You could lose her forever if you don't stop and think before speaking!" And I did. I took a long breath and said, "Well, Sweetie, are you happy?" Her reply, "Oh, yes! I'm so happy!" told me everything I needed to hear. "Then I'm happy for you!" I replied. And that was it! I averted a disaster by listening to the spirit! We went on discussing the baby's due date and how she was feeling as if the conversation was as natural as breathing. I could have lost her forever if I had not listened to the anxious prompting of the spirit!!! Because I had respoded in that way, I felt confident enough to tell her that she needed to take good care of her body because every thing she took into it would effect the baby. She listened. "No smoking and no drinking! You can irreparbly harm the baby." She listened and followed my advice. That baby is now 25 years old and a college graduate! His mama and I talk on the phone often and we love each other so much!
Daryl GibsonJanuary 30, 2026
All sound advice, sensitively delivered. I would like to hear your suggestions about the daughter's insistence that the church never be spoken of in her presence. Isn't that a bit like insisting that your parents never speak of their jobs, or their friends, or their hobbies, or their social life? It seems like there's room for some give and take. "Hey honey, your Dad just got called as bishop so we won't be able to make Sunday dinner this week." "I'm swamped planning this ward Christmas party. Can we talk later?" "Do you remember your seminary teacher who moved away? She just dropped by to surprise us and said to tell you Hi!" "You're never going to believe who I bumped into at the Temple today."
SaraJanuary 30, 2026
This is incredibly powerful and life changing. Inspiring. We will read it again and share this
JamesJanuary 30, 2026
Thank you for this wonderful and truly helpful article. Two of my four grown and married children have chosen to discontinue participation in church and that is such a hard thing for my wife and I. This article helped me to organize my thoughts and feelings and motivations into more Christlike patterns. Bottom line; I love my children completely and totally independent of their testimonies or lack thereof. They are still awesome and wonderful people. This life is short and eternity is long. Heavenly Father also loves my children and I trust His plan of happiness.
Robert StarlingJanuary 30, 2026
Wow! This is such great counsel on dealing with such important issues! THANK YOU! Almost everyone needs this kind of guidance. Many of us have had these "messy" conversations, and most of us have probably not done well. It is MOST important to express unconditional love, and to invite a continuing dialog. Thanks again for your wisdom and experience in this space.
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