I spent nearly a decade in the Latter-day Saint mid-singles’ community, navigating the aftermath of divorce and the turbulence of single life. While many experiences shaped my perspective, one specific moment in a mid-singles Facebook group served as the primary catalyst for the book I wrote with my wife, Cathy, titled Intentional Courtship.
A participant in the group posted a simple, pointed question: “How long has it been since your last real date?” The responses were staggering. While a few had dated recently, a vast number of active participants replied with “ten years,” “fourteen years,” or even “decades.” It was a profound paradox: thousands of people were actively participating in an online dating group without actually venturing out on a date in years.
The Safety Illusion
As I moved in the mid-singles community, I realized that the trauma of the past—the rejection of a failed marriage or the sting of earlier disappointments—creates a paralyzing fear of risking further pain. We want the deep connection of a companion, but we have become ambivalent in the pursuit of it. Many use the phrase “I’m just trusting in the Lord’s timing” as a cover for avoiding the emotional risk of being proactive. I do not mean to discount the opportunity for miracles. I believe they happen every day. But as my friend Brandy Vega says, “God cannot guide your footsteps when you are standing still.”
We want to believe there is a “back-door” entrance to a relationship where we can find love without risk. This is often what people do when they enter a relationship under the guise of being “just friends,” when they are secretly interested in more than that. They hide their true desires to keep themselves safe from rejection while they secretly hope it will magically evolve into something more.
The “Best Friend” Trap
This “back-door” approach rarely works. When you establish yourself too firmly as the “best friend” to avoid risk, you effectively erase yourself as a potential spouse. You become the confidant, safe harbor, and convenient listening ear—where the person you are interested in comes to talk through their feelings for the person he or she is actually interested in. That is not only ineffective—it is painful.
This dynamic was captured perfectly in the film The Holiday. In a pivotal scene, the fictional legendary screenwriter, Arthur Abbott, looks at Iris Simpkins and delivers a diagnosis that every mid-single should hear:
Arthur Abbott: “Iris, in the movies, we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason, you’re behaving like the best friend.”
. . . .
Iris: “You’re so right. You’re supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for God’s sake!”
You are highly unlikely to become the leading man or leading lady in someone else’s life by masquerading as the sidekick. For a better example, I suggest that we look to the biblical example of Ruth, who didn’t wait in the shadows for things to happen to her. She went to the threshing floor, uncovered Boaz’s feet, and made her intentions clear (Ruth 3). She refused to be a secondary character in her own story, choosing clarity over the safety of silence or ambiguity.
We see this same strong exercise of agency in the story of Rebekah. When Abraham’s servant came seeking a wife for Isaac, Rebekah didn’t just perform the “service” of watering the camels; she leaned into the opportunity. Most tellingly, when her family tried to delay her departure for ten days—essentially trying to “slow-play” the process. The servant insisted on moving now. When they turned to Rebekah and asked, “Wilt thou go with this man?” she didn’t ask for a six-month friendship or more time to process. She answered with two words of absolute intentionality: “I will go” (Genesis 24:58).
Authenticity over Games
Many people stay parked on the sidelines because they feel they must maintain a sophisticated “game” of wit and charm. But lasting connection is not built through games—which are often just a mask for our insecurities. It is built through authenticity and vulnerability.
Scripture shows us that the most powerful connections begin with an unmasking:
- The Transparency of the Shunammite Woman: In 2 Kings 4, a woman of great means shows a remarkable blend of humility and honesty. When the prophet Elisha offers to speak to the king or the captain of the host on her behalf—a significant social elevation—she responds simply, “I dwell among mine own people.” She wasn’t posturing, angling for advantage, or trying to appear more important than she was. She was content with her life and honest about it. Her story is not a romantic relationship, but it does illustrate a powerful principle: authenticity invites trust. Elisha’s ongoing concern for her and her family flows from the genuine relationship already established—not from her trying to impress him or leverage his influence. She didn’t play a role. She didn’t embellish. She was real. And that grounded honesty became the foundation for meaningful connection and mutual respect.
- Jacob and Rachel: The Long Walk of Honesty: When Jacob first meets Rachel at the well, he doesn’t lead with his lineage as the son of a wealthy patriarch. Instead, he weeps and tells her exactly who he was—a man who had fled his home and had nothing to offer but his labor (Genesis 29). He was essentially “couch-surfing” with his uncle Laban. He was honest about his situation: he couldn’t pay a dowry, so he offered seven years of labor. There were no games. Because he was authentic about his “unimpressive” state from the beginning, Rachel saw his true character.
- The Honesty of Peter: While not a romantic example, Peter’s relationship with Jesus Christ was defined by “hard truths” about his own inadequacy. When he first sees the power of Christ, he doesn’t try to act like a worthy “best friend” or advisor. He falls at Jesus’ knees and says: “Depart from me; for I am a sinful man, O Lord” (Luke 5:8). This is a great example of an “unimpressive” truth. He was telling the Lord, “I may not be the guy you want.” But Peter’s vulnerability is exactly what inspired Jesus to choose him.
The Principle of Vulnerability in Dating
On my very first date with Cathy, I chose to be vulnerable with her. On paper, my situation was anything but “impressive.” I had recently been laid off, my new business wasn’t making money yet, I was couch-surfing at my parents’ house, and I was recently divorced for the second time.
I could have tried to minimize or gloss over these facts to impress her. But I liked her too much to be fake with her and risk whatever potential we might have by misleading her. I told Cathy what my life was like rather than giving her my highlight reel. By choosing to be known rather than to be impressive, I gave Cathy the opportunity to see the real me. In doing so, I was putting the counsel of the Apostle James into practice: “Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed” (James 5:16.)
By leading with my “faults”—the areas where I felt broken or vulnerable—I wasn’t just being honest. I was inviting healing. If Cathy could accept me knowing what she knew, I could finally feel truly accepted. I was giving her the opportunity to see the real me and not the mask I was wearing. Because there was no masquerade to maintain, we could move toward becoming “one heart and one mind” (Moses 7:18) from that very first hour. We weren’t building on the sand of a false impression. We were building on the rock of the truth. You cannot be of “one heart” with someone if you are unwilling to let your own heart be seen.
To find a celestial relationship, you must have the courage to stop being a spectator. You must stop acting like a sidekick and embrace the vulnerability of the “leading lady” or “leading man.” You must be brave enough to say what you want in a wholehearted way. Don’t hide your heart behind the safety of “friendship” or wait passively for someone else to take all the risk “in the Lord’s time.” Let the person know you are sincerely interested in getting to know him or her. Only when we bring our true hearts to the table—unpolished and real—can the Lord “knit” our souls together into a Zion of two.
Resource:
Intentional Courtship can help in this journey.
About the Author
Jeff Teichert, and his wife Cathy Butler Teichert, are the founders of “Love in Later Years,” which ministers to Latter-day Saint single adults seeking peace, healing, and more joyful relationships. They are co-authors of the Amazon bestseller Intentional Courtship: A Mid-Singles Guide to Peace, Progress and Pairing Up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Jeff and Cathy each spent nearly a decade in the mid-singles community and they use that experience to provide counsel and hope to mid-singles and later married couples through written articles, podcasts, and videos. Jeff and Cathy are both Advanced Certified Life Coaches and have university degrees in Family & Human Development. They are the parents of a blended family that includes four handsome sons, one lovely daughter-in-law, and two sweet little granddaughters.
Purchase Jeff & Cathy’s book Intentional Courtship:
Connect with Jeff & Cathy:
Website: http://www.loveinlateryears.com/
Podcast: https://anchor.fm/loveinlateryears
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/loveinlateryears
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/LoveInLaterYears
Instagram: http://instagram.com/loveinlateryears/
Email: [email protected]
