Line upon Line

When I was a teenager, I used to collect motivational sayings. One of my favorites said, “It’s all right to be on the right track, but you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” This motivated me to strive to improve at whatever I pursued. If I got a B in a class one semester I worked for an A the next semester. If I ran the 50-yard dash in seven seconds one year, I would try to run it in 6.5 seconds the next year. My improvement wasn’t galactic, but I always tried to improve.

This motivational saying holds an entirely different meaning for me now. I think of the “right track” as the covenant path, and consider what happens when one chooses to “just sit there.”

Being on the “covenant path” implies two things: 1) we have made covenants with the Savior. We have been baptized and taken his name upon us and we obey his commandments. 2) We are on a path, not sitting in a park. Our objective is to go somewhere, not to stay where we are.

Parked on the Path

In our efforts to be compassionate, loving, disciples of Christ we welcome new members into the church. We welcome repenting members, wherever they are spiritually.

“You are enough,” taught Sister Kearon. “[God] loves you just the way you are, right here, right now, in all your beautiful messiness.” (Worldwide Devotional for Young Adults May 6, 2018). Sister Kearon delivered the same message when she came to visit our mission and the missionaries embraced it. We all need to feel like we are “enough,” like we are worthwhile, like we can be loveable even if we are far from perfect. 

However, in our efforts to be loving and welcoming of new and returning members sometimes we focus only on the first half of Sister Kearon’s message. We celebrate the messiness, inviting the messy to give firesides or appear on podcasts and we follow their social media sites, or television shows.

Caution is required when returning members are more interested in changing the church to accommodate the way they live their lives rather than changing their lives to accommodate the teachings of the prophets. Returning members claim they want to be members of the church, but not be “all in.” Or they decide to return to the gospel, but “on their own terms,” not necessarily the terms the of the modern-day prophets. One returning member claimed she couldn’t stand listening to General Conference because the talks were always about repentance.

While we must love people wherever they are, we cannot edit out the second part of Sister Kearon’s message: [God] also loves you enough not to let you stay the way you are right here, right now. We do our new and returning members a disservice when we focus so much on loving them the way they are that we forget that the covenant path is a path not a park. President Nelson said, “Returning to the covenant path does not mean that life will be easy. This path is rigorous and at times will feel like a steep climb.” We are not being loving disciples of Christ if we let our brothers and sisters stagnate where they are. We all must give up the sins of the past and develop new Christ-like habits. When we wink at sin, or justify sin, or celebrate sin, we enable one another to stay stuck.

Years ago, a young woman in our congregation became pregnant out of wedlock. She chose to keep the baby and planned to live with her mother. She was poor and needed lots of things: diapers, clothes, a stroller, etc. Loving Relief Society sisters wanted to throw her a baby shower complete with a cake, a crown on her head, and a boa thrown around her shoulders. They wanted to invite the young women in the ward who were her peers. The bishop was concerned about the message this would send to the other young women: this girl broke the law of chastity and she is being celebrated. He did not want to see others of the young women bringing home babies to live with their mothers and expect the Relief Society to throw them a party. In the end the bishop convinced the Relief Society President to quietly gather the baby’s necessities and to take them over to the mother’s house. The young mother received her Pampers and her Onesies, her Similac and a stroller, all from loving Relief Society Sisters—but at the same time nobody glorified her choices.

Misplaced compassion can mislead new and returning members of the church. They may misinterpret the love members show for them as acceptance of their choices, enabling them to stay parked on the covenant path.

A “Buffet Mormon”

New members may not understand the concept of the covenant path. They may believe that once they are baptized, that’s all they need to do to be saved. Returning members may not understand the covenant path is designed to get them somewhere.

Some social media sites have encouraged returning members to return to church “on their own terms.” Some sights suggest that it’s okay to go to church, but not accept a calling, or to attend some of the Sundays, but not all the Sundays, or wear temple garments when it is convenient, but not at all times. 

Accepting and fulfilling a calling is one of the things that helps us progress along the covenant path. Attending church every Sunday and partaking of the sacrament is one of the things that helps us progress along the covenant path. The very things those who attend church “on their own terms” refuse to do, are the very things that enable people to progress along the covenant path. Their “own terms” may keep them stuck. Refusing to change halts our progress. It’s like sitting on a park bench on the covenant path and refusing to get up and start walking.

This is not to imply that new and returning members need to sprint along the covenant path. Their progress may be slow. Upon first returning they may not feel comfortable being “all in.” However, their goal should be to progress, not to stagnate.

Stay in Your Lane

The counsel to be loving and welcoming to everybody on the covenant path is refreshing and sorely needed, therefore what’s a saint to do? First of all, we have no business trying to correct those who are not within our stewardship. If we notice truly alarming behavior, we need to seek out the person in charge, perhaps a parent or perhaps a priesthood leader, and let them handle the situation. Not long ago a new sister missionary bore her testimony her first Sunday in my home ward. The sweater she wore didn’t fit well and exposed her entire cleavage. I feared she would lose credibility as a missionary, so I called the mission president’s wife who addressed the issue with the missionary. The missionary humbly accepted the correction and was grateful to her mission president’s wife for her loving counsel.

Correct Collectively/Love Individually

Taking correction requires a lot of humility, and it is rare for one to respond when singled out, even by someone with stewardship over them.  This sister missionary was exceptional. Usually, it’s safer to correct behavior that is not in line with the prophets in a group setting. For example, if a young woman is not dressed modestly, it’s not going to be productive for her leader to look her in the eyes and tell her skirt is too short. The young lady might become offended. However, the leader could plan a lesson for a subsequent Sunday that teaches correct principles. Then the young woman doesn’t feel singled out or picked on. In a like manner, the bishop could assign someone to give a talk in Sacrament meeting about a topic that concerns him. This way the leader shows his love by helping the person move along the covenant path.

When we correct collectively, we can be effective without being specific. We don’t have to talk about specific behaviors that keep people stuck. We can teach general principles that help those we love progress along the covenant path. As mission leaders we had the opportunity to review the new handbook for disciples of Jesus Christ before it was published. The Missionary Standards for Disciples of Jesus Christ replaced the old missionary manual or the “White Bible” that missionaries wore in their breast pocket. We were ecstatic with the new handbook. No longer was there a long list of “do’s” and “don’ts.” Instead, the handbook contained principles of the gospel. When we taught those principles well, our missionaries didn’t need a list of “do’s and don’ts”. They chose for themselves to dress modestly, wear their hair neatly, not distract from their appearance with facial jewelry, etc.

Some of the principles we taught included: 

-Obedience to our Heavenly is a sign of our love for Him

-Commandments keep us safe from sin and harm

-Flirting with sin makes it much harder to resist sin

-Personal Revelation comes through worthiness

-Do unto others as you would have them do unto you

One of our missionaries was teaching a woman who wanted to get baptized. She believed the Book of Mormon was the word of God but didn’t want to give up drinking coffee. The missionaries had been telling her she needed to give up coffee, but she wasn’t willing to make that sacrifice. Finally, our missionary was inspired to ask her the key question: “Do you believe Joseph Smith was a prophet of God?” The woman paused before she responded. She didn’t respond, “yes.” She responded, “Oh. I understand.” She gave up coffee and was baptized, and the decision had nothing to do with a specific correction. The decision had everything to do with the principle of prophetic revelation.

When people are corrected individually, they may feel that because we disapprove of a particular choice it means we don’t love them. They confuse love for acceptance and if we don’t accept everything about them, they conclude that we don’t love them. In reality, it is entirely possible to deeply love someone without condoning all their choices. No one makes everybody happy all of time. We all have habits/behaviors that need correction.

One of our sons was a champion tease when he was growing up. Someone in the family was constantly crying because this child knew exactly how to get under their skin. My husband and I adored this son. He was funny, creative, smart as a whip, and very entertaining. Just because we didn’t love his teasing, didn’t mean we didn’t love him. However, if we had focused solely on the character trait that drove us nuts, he might have felt unloved. Instead, we worked very hard to communicate our love for him as a whole person. When he felt truly loved he was less defensive when being corrected for his misbehavior.

We can love our new and returning members and still help them progress along the covenant path. In fact, if we truly love our new and returning members we will not allow them to sit complacently on a bench, parked on the covenant path. We will invite them to get up and walk with us because we will never reach our destination if we are complacent with where we are.

JeaNette Goates Smith is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the author of four books on family relationships. She and her husband, Bret, served as mission leaders in the Dominican Republic from 2017-2020. For more information go to www.smithfamilytherapy.org.