I took a class in college where we were asked to take a personality test prior to a particular lecture and come to class wearing the color of our test results. Once we arrived, we sat in groups throughout the lecture hall according to color. I came wearing the only white shirt I owned and seemed to immediately conclude upon arrival that my results were wrong.
The blues were empathic and compassionate; yellow was enthusiastic and spontaneous. There were reds that were apparently bound to take charge and stay organized. Then there were the whites—peacemakers. That wasn’t me. That seemed like the absolute most boring thing to be. To my young mind, that felt tantamount to being called a pushover, someone too bland and vague to fight for anything. Vanilla.
Now I am a mother to three boys and the oldest has just gotten to the age and level of awareness to recognize how to defuse instead of escalate a brewing fight. He has started to choose to be calm, choose to share and wait to have his turn later, or choose to distract someone with something to help them calm down. He is learning to be a peacemaker. And rather than those skills making him seem bland, boring, or dispassionate; now he seems like the smartest person in the room.
Contention doesn’t automatically arise just because two differing opinions are present. It arises because someone feels threatened and when they feel threatened, their good sense turns off. They are no longer capable of a measured discussion and usually the person that feels differently than them also becomes reactive as a result.
In the book No Drama Discipline by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, they refer to this phenomenon as the “Upstairs Brain” and the “Downstairs Brain.” When we’re in our upstairs brain, we have self-control, empathy, intention in our decision making. But when something triggers our Downstairs Brain, we are working with just impulse, flight or fight response, and survival instincts.
My son learned about it in school as the “Boss Brain” and the “Lizard Brain.”
We all want to be Boss Brain people and have the control to stay that way even when something that really irks us arises. But how do we do it? And are there times when we should make a statement rather than making peace? Does being a peacemaker mean you’ll never get to unapologetically declare something important against a tide of dissenting opinions? Is there ever an occasion for overturning the tables of the moneychangers?
First, let’s explore what the scriptures say about the concept of “holding our peace.” It’s a phrase that has fascinated me of late because, after hearing it so many times as just “being quiet,” I suddenly realized that it could just as easily refer to actually physically holding onto the peace that you have. If peace is a ball of light you can keep in your chest and certain interactions dim or disperse it completely, think of the power in choosing to hold onto it and protect it, rather than engaging.
Proverbs 11:12 says, “He that is void of wisdom despiseth his neighbor: but a man of understanding holdeth his peace.” Even if you had the self-control to hold your tongue, do you think that ball of light in your chest can keep burning as brightly if you (quietly) hold on to spite for the person who has wronged you? Holding your peace might involve some serious engagement with forgiveness and empathy, not just silence.
But what if the stakes are higher than that? What if you’re the children of Israel standing at the banks of the Red Sea with the Egyptian army at your back and it looks absolutely impossible to just move forward? Exodus 14:14 says in that moment, “The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace.”
But what if people are literally spreading lies about you? What if you are asked to respond, asked to engage? Jesus was brought before Caiaphus and many witnesses shouted their falsehoods. The high priest finally stood up in the midst and said, “Answerest thou nothing? What is it which these witness against thee?” And in the most enduring and well-known instance of this phrase in scripture, “Jesus held his peace.”
Now, I do not take these instances to mean silence should always be our byword. But their examples are a striking reminder that giving ourselves some measure of silence before we respond can be the difference between maintaining emotional control and clarity in our message or having the point we were trying to communicate be lost completely in our instinctual return fire.
I remember once playing volleyball at a beautiful park with a group of friends in high school. The weather was lovely, we were all getting along, we were having fun. Then, after one of the girls had a botched attempt at a serve, one of the boys called out “how about all the girls get a redo.” Another girl became quickly offended and said that this was the moment that he was teaching all the girls present that he thought they were less capable than him. She shouted down anyone that tried to say that he didn’t mean anything by it and before we knew it, she had stormed off into the trees and said she’d find her own way home.
We were all left quite stunned. By the time the game ended, she still hadn’t come back. We circled the park in a car looking for her. This place was nowhere near walking distance from any of our homes and we were worried about her. But we couldn’t find her.
She did eventually get home safely. But my memory of that day has always been what a wild reaction that was. It wasn’t until I sat down to write this article that realized I actually agree with her point of view. What we say to young women does define how they see their worthiness and capability. The messaging that defines most women’s self-image is peppered throughout their life in subtle ways, not always in the big ones.
The problem is, it took me 20 years to realize she had a good point because she communicated it without a shred of peace in her approach. Her reactivity set off all our Lizard Brains and effectively switched off our ears.
I’m sure we are all often guilty of the same thing. We take the chance to express something important to us, but we might do it in a way that buries the important thing in the roughness of the delivery method. Against our best intentions, the message gets lost.
We are being repeatedly admonished to be peacemakers in a world where standing our ground on the truths we hold dear feels more important than ever. There must be a way to hold up the banner of truth, peacefully. A huge aspect of that balance is learning to improve our delivery method.
Taking a breath (holding our peace) before we choose to speak is the difference between keeping our Boss Brain in the driver’s seat, expressing ourselves with calmness and clarity and love unfeigned; or going full Lizard Brain and shutting off any potential for finding understanding and common ground. The very same conversation on the very same topics can have a completely different tone and outcome depending on which brain you can keep in the driver’s seat.
As I see it, being a peacemaker who can still hold their ground comes down to three things.
- Discerning what is true.
- Discerning when it is important to speak in favor of that truth
- Speaking in those moments in a way that brings understanding instead of contention.
The first two ultimately come down to having the Spirit with us always and learning to recognize its promptings. That is a spiritual journey I hope you are already on and will continue. But I’ve been surprised to learn that you can be much more effective on the third with a few fairly straight forward techniques.
This is harking back to No Drama Discipline, the parenting book I mentioned at the outset. It’s intended to help you communicate with your children in a way that keeps their Boss Brain in the driver’s seat, but I have thought about it a million times since in communicating with people of all ages.
Something as simple as lowering your physical posture so you are eye to eye instead of standing above someone can make a huge difference on whether they feel threatened or connected with. Watching that the tone of your voice stays at a reasonable volume and maintains a soft tone keeps your message coming through clearer than if you speak with more volume or sharpness. I started making the end of my sentences sing-song-y when I might otherwise have shouted some sort of command at my kids as an exercise and was shocked by how much more obedient they were than if I had yelled it.
Making intentional, gentle eye contact helps you not to forget that this is a real person and invites personal connection rather than tirades or soap boxing. And if the communication is with someone that isn’t with you to make eye contact with, in our world of digital communication, then maybe the conversation should be had voice to voice and if what you’re saying isn’t something you’d be comfortable saying directly to them like that, maybe it needs revising.
If you are communicating in a way that could make someone feel threatened. You have initiated the process of shutting down their ears and by extension their minds. If you are communicating in a way that makes them feel safe, then even ideas contrary to how they see the world can feel safe.
Being peacemakers while standing up for what’s right is sometimes a baffling balance to achieve. But it is possible with the Lord as your partner. And though it may seem like making your point without the trappings of a shout and a hiss weakens it, ask yourself whether it was more important to say it, or for someone to actually hear it.
There is power in “holding your peace.”
