Death is ubiquitous and there are an endless number of ways to deal with the physical remains left behind. Whether you are comfortable with the idea of a standard, modern funeral, complete with embalming, a viewing, and a funeral held in a chapel or funeral parlor, or whether you’re looking for something a little different to reflect how you want to leave this earth, the books below offer stories, information, and personal insights to help you make a more informed choice, or simply to explore the available options.
The American Resting Place: Four Hundred Years of History through Our Cemeteries and Burial Grounds
By Marilyn Yalom
In this fascinating history, Ms. Yalom acts as our tour guide through four centuries of American burial grounds. Beginning with the lofty burial mounds of the Native Americans throughout the Mississippi region, and ending with the modern trend toward “green burials,” she covers the gamut of burial sites from Hawaii to Maine, rich to poor, Catholic to Protestant and Jewish to Muslim, famous to unknown, and finds them each as intriguing and unique as the individuals they represent.
Gravestones provide brief but tantalizing glimpses into the lives of those who preceded us, sometimes by centuries. Epitaphs can be both poignant and enthralling in their brevity. For example, “She died 23 December 1771 in giving Birth to an Infant Daughter, who rests in her Arms.” Or “Slain by Indians while recovering animals stolen by them.” Heart-breakingly, children are over-represented in cemeteries of bygone days. Often several tiny grave markers clustered together and bearing the same last name act as a testament to the great, deeply felt losses many families experienced when childhood mortality rates were much higher than they are today.
The book opens with more than 60 breathtaking black-and-white photographs, each on a separate plate at the beginning, taken by the author’s son and later referred to in the text. But there aren’t nearly enough! I wanted a picture of each of the hundreds of unique tombstones, crypts, and graveyards she describes. After four chapters laying the broad foundation of how the movement of history affected graveyards in general, Ms. Yalom takes us on the journey she and her son traced as they traveled through different regions of the United States. Starting in New England at some of the earliest European cemeteries in the United States, she describes the stark and spare gravestones, often decorated with winged skulls, used by Puritans to remind all those who saw them of their “mortality and the certainty of physical death” with the wings representing “the spirit and the possibility of resurrection.” They continue south through Rhode Island and New York City, highlighting the difficulties of maintaining adequate cemeteries near booming cities as the cities grow and the ground in which the dead rest becomes more and more valuable.
Eventually reaching the South, Ms. Yalom spends a significant chunk of the chapter called “The Southern Way of Death” on graveyards specifically set aside for African Americans, both slaves and freedmen. New Orleans, with its below-sea-level elevation, requires above-ground burial in crypts, vaults and family tombs. Because many of these repositories can be used over and over by family members, this leads to a “burial pattern, unique in America, [that] has produced a special ethos among longtime New Orleanians: because they expect to be reunited with their relatives after death, they often experience a deep attachment to the family tomb.” Consequently, All Saints’ Day, November 1, is a municipally recognized holiday in New Orleans, and is marked by families who gather to take care of their family tomb, enjoy a picnic or traditional meal, share stories of those entombed there, and decorate the graves with yellow chrysanthemums.
Ms. Yalom and her son continue on through the Midwest, Texas, California, and Hawaii, exploring the unique issues facing cemeteries and burials in each area. The book ends with a contemplation of several of the most famous military cemeteries, notably Gettysburg National Cemetery, Arlington National Cemetery, and the National Memorial Cemetery of the Pacific in Hawaii as well as some overseas military cemeteries, and a survey of some of the trends relating to graveyards, including pet cemeteries and the cemetery preservation movement. A wide-ranging treatment of cemeteries across the country, The American Resting Place will increase your appreciation for, and understanding of, these final resting places.
“While many people in this modern world are married multiple times, it is still true that you only have one funeral”
A Day in the Life of Death
By Ryan M. Lee
Ever wonder just what a mortician does all day and what it takes to become one yourself? You can catch a glimpse into the mortuary business in this detailed, first-person account from an insider. Mr. Lee has worked in the “death care industry” since the summer after he graduated high school, ironically motivated by an insensitive funeral director at his uncle’s funeral, and has a myriad of insights for those interested in this career path and for those wanting a few tips on how to get their ideal funeral service without spending more than necessary.
After outlining his path to this unusual profession, Mr. Lee provides a few guidelines by which to gauge your interest and ability to be successful in the industry. He describes what is involved in obtaining a degree at a mortuary college and makes suggestions on how to evaluate which school is right for you. A step-by-step explanation of the embalming process is next on the agenda, followed by a discussion of some of the financial aspects of funerals including “pre-arranged” or pre-paid funerals and whether cremation really costs less than a standard earth burial. Mr. Lee shares useful ideas on how to save money on caskets and vehicles for the funeral as well as general negotiating tips when dealing with a funeral director. He also gives advice on selecting a funeral service provider (one major point, start looking before you need their services when the decision doesn’t need to be made quickly and under emotional stress) and “how to have the perfect funeral.”
Mr. Lee provides vivid, sometimes disturbing, sensory descriptions of a few memorable negatives of the job, particularly smells. Along with several scents obviously related to death and dying, I was surprised by one stench that made his “worst odors” list: perfume. Specifically, the “cacophony of nasal noise” that assaults the nose at a funeral where dozens of attendees each wear unique perfumes, colognes, and body sprays. And the “sounds that can haunt your memory” – well, I haven’t even heard them in real life and after Mr. Lee’s descriptions, they’re already haunting mine!
Grave Matters: A Journey through the Modern Funeral Industry to a Natural Way of Burial
By Mark Harris
After opening his book with a fictionalized description of a funeral director guiding grieving parents through selecting the services and planning their 18-year-old daughter’s funeral, Mr.
Harris presents a(nother) walk-through of the embalming process. (Seriously, after reading the books for this column and the last, I could almost embalm a body myself! Ok, not really, but I’ve certainly learned more specifics about body preservation than I ever thought I would.) As a contrast to this “standard funeral industry” approach, Mr. Harris spends the rest of the book chronicling the experiences of several people who chose more natural alternatives.
While it should be apparent that “no matter how it’s sealed inside the coffin, a corpse, even an embalmed one, will eventually decompose,” many decisions made in a modern approach to dealing with a loved one’s mortal remains seem designed to stave off the inevitable as long as possible, and to maintain an illusion of perpetual preservation. Mr. Harris decries the use of gallons of toxic chemicals in embalming bodies which are then buried in the ground, sealed inside a metal or wood box, which in turn is often placed inside a concrete vault, to add layer upon layer of removal from the elements. Unfortunately, even the strongest seals eventually break, metal corrodes, wood rots, the ground shifts, water seeps in, and those toxic chemicals seep out into the surrounding soil. Mr. Harris emphasizes that the more natural burials he describes are “little more than a return to long tradition.” Prior to the past hundred years or so, “much of what constitutes natural burial…was once standard practice in this country, the default, not the exception.”
Cremation is one option that can avoid some of the cost, environmental effects and pomp of a standard funeral, depending on how it is approached; however, it’s also possible to spend just as much on a cremation as on an earth burial with the same pomp and significant environmental costs, as well. Burial at sea, generally by spreading ashes, is increasing in popularity among those who feel an attachment to the ocean. One variation on burial at sea that I found intriguing is called a memorial reef. After cremation, the ashes are mixed in with concrete and shaped into “reef balls,” large, hollow, spherical modules. These reef balls are then added to artificial reefs designed to attract ocean life and rebuild the natural coral reefs that are dying. The family members highlighted in this chapter speak of the comfort they receive knowing that their loved one “would have loved the idea of returning to the sea, and creating a place for life there” as “the remains of the dead literally lay the foundation for new life under the sea.”
The last four chapters eschew almost every aspect of the modern funeral industry with their focus on simplicity and intimacy. Home funerals, while certainly not for everyone, allow for a much more personal setting than a funeral parlor. “Plain pine box” burials forgo expensive caskets and other trappings in favor of an humble, handmade “vessel for another vessel that we’re done with.” Backyard burials, or natural burial on privately owned, rural land, can be particularly meaningful for those left behind who may live close by and easily visit the gravesite frequently. Natural cemeteries, also called ecological cemeteries, emphasize returning to the elements where “the dead literally nourish and sustain a living forest.” Many of these cemeteries prohibit not only embalmed bodies, but also vaults and metal caskets, and large or obtrusive grave markers, in order to maintain as natural an environment as possible.
After each option outlined, Mr. Harris provides a “resource guide” to indicate where to go for further information and additional insights into how state or local laws may differ. Make sure, of course, that you do your own research as laws can change and new options become available. In the five years since Grave Matters was first published, interest in green burials has grown significantly. For example, where Mr. Harris only listed five natural cemeteries in the entire United States, there are now at least four in my state of Washington alone. If you are curious about more natural alternatives to the modern standard of an embalmed burial, Grave Matters is an excellent place to start gathering ideas to make your funeral truly your own.
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On My Bedside Table…
Just finished: From the Mixed-up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler by E. L. Konigsburg
Now reading: Dealing with Dragons by Patricia C. Wrede
On deck: The Book of Mormon Girl: Stories from an American Faith by Joanna Brooks
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Next time, in honor of the Relief Society’s birthday, we’ll cover some great books about women in the Church. Come find me on goodreads.com or email suggestions, comments, and feedback to egeddesbooks (at) gmail (dot) com.