“Hello, and welcome to the first meeting of Complainers Anonymous. My name is Paul, and I’m a complainer.”
Well, not really. I’m actually one of those insufferable optimists for whom the glass is usually three-quarters full. However, there are definitely some days when I find myself on the Complainer’s Highway, unable to change lanes, caught up in a negaholic traffic jam of bumper to bumper complaints, unable to zoom down an off-ramp without a major effort of will.
When I catch myself speeding down this road to emotional turmoil and frustration, I am embarrassed. How must I sound to others? How is it I have forgotten to be grateful for all I have? Where is my compassion and understanding? A quick check of my personal maintenance log invariably shows it’s time to drive my attitude into the Lord’s garage and recalibrate my mental outlook GPS.
Liberty
In Prairie Home Companion’s Garrison Keillor’s most recent book, Liberty, he describes the inhabitants of the fictional small town of Lake Wobegone, Minnesota, as people who “do not believe in being joyful despite what it says in the scriptures.” He claims Wobegoneons are not an exclamatory people – they are never able to say, “That’s a great idea!” or “That’s wonderful!” Instead, they prefer to sit around the Chatterbox Café murmuring and complaining, taking care to never display outward optimism or positively acknowledge another’s accomplishments.
In an early chapter of Liberty, Keillor writes if Wobegoneons (as he calls them) had been there when Jesus blessed the fishes and the loaves, they would have been asking if the Son of God washed his hands first and if the fish had been cooked long enough.
We all know and have been dragged down by people like this. What is worse is when we discover these traits in ourselves and do not take steps to correct our course because we somehow feel justified.
An alcoholic will sometimes justify their drinking because they perceive the world as being against them. So, too, does a negaholic put on blinders and find justification for all of their complaints. They will even tell you they are not complaining, they are just “telling it like it is.”
Laman and Lemuel
Nephi’s brothers Laman and Lemuel constantly complained. Jeffrey R. Holland, in his talk entitled The Tongue of Angels, claimed, “I have often thought that Nephi’s being bound with cords and beaten by rods must have been more tolerable to him than listening to Laman and Lemuel’s constant murmuring. Surely, he must have said at least once, ‘Hit me one more time. I can still hear you.’ Yes, life has its problems, and yes, there are negative things to face, but please accept one of Elder Holland’s maxims for living – no misfortune is so bad that whining about it won’t make it worse.”
I love that quote. It is easy to see the inherent wisdom while laughing at the same time.
Neal A. Maxwell has said, “Murmuring seems to come so naturally to the natural man. It crosses the scriptural spectrum of recorded complaints. We need bread. We need water. (See Num. 21:5.) The needed military reinforcements did not arrive. (See Alma 60.) Why did we ever leave Egypt ? (See Num. 11:20.) Why did we ever leave Jerusalem? (See 1 Ne. 2:11.) Some, perhaps understandably, murmured over persecution by unbelievers, and others even murmured over what the name of Christ’s church should be. (See Mosiah 27:1; 3 Ne. 27:3–4.).”
Complaining has apparently been with us since the dawn of man, and if you stop to think about it, back to the pre-existence and beyond. Clearly, however, to be in step with the Lord, we must realize He never complained despite having every cause to do so.
It is certainly appropriate for someone to voice their concerns after losing a job, going through a relationship breakup, facing a financial setback, suffering serious health problems, or experiencing any number of negative situations. These things are painful and it helps to get them off your chest and clear the emotional air.
The danger comes, however, in harping on the points over and over, emphasizing the depression concerning the situation and souring our outlook to everything else in our lives. In doing this, we also tend to stay in the situation longer than necessary, while depressing and alienating everyone around us – unfortunately, negativity is contagious and can start to make others feel badly.
Addicted To Complaining
Complaining is a way of life for some individuals. It becomes an addiction and, at times, even competitive. No matter how good things are, accomplished complainers will always manage to find the downside or verbally wish for the situation to be even better. These individuals are not just on the Complainer’s Highway, they are blowing their doors off as they blast at full speed down the Complainer’s Autobahn.
Also in The Tongue of Angels, Jeffrey R. Holland states, “it goes without saying that negative speaking so often flows from negative thinking, including negative thinking about ourselves. We see our own faults, we speak—or at least think—critically of ourselves, and before long that is how we see everyone and everything. No sunshine, no roses, no promise of hope or happiness. Before long we and everybody around us are miserable.”
No matter how hard some children or spouses try to be perfect, if the parent or other spouse is addicted to complaining, they will always find something wrong or not up to the level of their expectation.
Complainers of this ilk have often psychologically had their inner-adult – the feeling part in each of us – stunted emotionally and spiritually. Mentally, they are still wounded children throwing a tantrum in a cry for love, attention, and compassion. Because they are unable to love themselves, they seek to get this now impossible to satisfy need fulfilled by those around them – very often through complaining.
Complaining is a form of control used to guilt others into giving attention or sympathy. When a constant complainer hears others pass a complaint, they must always jump in and prove their complaint is larger, more serious, and therefore demanding of more sympathy. It is as if they consider complaining an Olympic event, a competition won by the person with the biggest complaint. And to be competitive, they must constantly stay in shape by . . . constantly complaining.
Constant complainers do not want you to find the solution to their complaint – then they wouldn’t have anything to complain about! That’s the reason why a constant complainer will Yes, but… to death any suggested solution.
Taken in its purest form, complaining becomes an energy drain – pulling on those around the complainer like a magnet – sucking the caring and understanding out of others because the complainer has emotionally abandoned their own identity.
In essence, a constant complainer is putting the responsibility for their adult happiness on someone else. They are emotionally unable to meet this need themselves, so they remake themselves as either a victim (everything happens to me), or a tyrant (nothing is ever good enough), or worse, a passive/aggressive combination of the two extremes (woe is me, you incompetent idiot).
A Vicious Cycle
How many of you have lived with, or observed, parents where one is a constant complainer? If the other parent stays in the marriage for long enough they usually withdraw into themselves as a protection from being controlled by the complaints and criticisms.
Unfortunately, withdrawal most often simply exacerbates the situation as the complainer then shifts to complaints and criticisms about the other’s lack of caring .
This is a vicious cycle with no end in sight if help is not obtained. Often, these couples love each other, but their ability to express their feelings for one another has been buried under this dysfunction. One partner continues to use complaints, criticism, anger, and judgment to control the other and hide from themselves. The other partner becomes withdrawn, henpecked, and often stops making any effort to live up to the others expectations.
If you’ve seen this cycle in action in others (especially if you’ve seen it in your parent’s relationship or in your relationship with either parent) you need to take a hard look at your own relationships. This type of constant complaining or withdrawing can easily become unconscious learned behavior playing out in your own marriage or with your own children.
If you see the signs get help – now.
If you’re uncertain if you’re a constant complainer do this simple test. Put a rubber band on your right wrist. Take a day to be truly honest and listen to yourself. Every time you hear yourself voice a complaint switch the rubber band to the opposite wrist.
If you are really brave, take an extra step – ask your spouse or one of your children to tell you to switch the rubber band whenever they hear a complaint come out of your mouth.
If you are too scared to try this simple test then you already know the answer to if you are a complainer or not.
Curing An Addiction To Complaining
The noise of complaining blocks out the soft voice of the spirit and removes the complainer further and further from recognizing blessings bestowed upon them.
President Hinkley stated, “You deny yourself happiness and court misery if you constantly complain and do nothing to rectify your own thoughts. Rise above the shrill clamor over rights and prerogatives and walk in the quiet dignity. . .”
Neal A. Maxwell has stated, “[complaining] over the weight of our crosses not only takes energy otherwise needed to carry them, but might cause another to put down his cross altogether. Besides, brothers and sisters, if we were not carrying so much else, our crosses would be much lighter. The heaviest load we feel is often from the weight of our unkept promises and our unresolved sins, which press down relentlessly upon us. In any genuine surrendering to God, one says, ‘I will give away all my sins to know thee.’ ( Alma 22:18.) To Whom shall we give our sins? Only Jesus is both willing and able to take them!”
President Hinkley further counsels, “By and large, I have come to see that if we complain about life, it is because we are thinking only of ourselves…The most effective medicine for the sickness of self-pity is to lose ourselves in the service of others.”
The only way to truly overcome the wounds inflicted on our inner adult, is not by complaining about everything, but by opening ourselves up to the love of Christ through service and through faith – people stop complaining when they are filled with the spirit.
In speaking of the curing power or service in the temple, President Hinkley has said, “I want to commend those of our people who give so willingly of their time in attending to the sacred work within the temples of the Lord. In temple work is found the very essence of selfless service. In my judgment, one of the miracles of our day is the great consecration of time and effort on the part of hundreds of thousands of busy people in behalf of the dead. Those who are engaged in this service know that out of it all comes a sweet and satisfying feeling. This sweet blessing of the Spirit becomes literally a medicine to cure many of the ailments of our lives. From such experiences we come to realize that only when we serve others do we truly serve the Lord.”
If you are a complainer, it is time to pray fervently for the strength to break the inertia keeping you from service with an open heart – for disgruntled service is of no use to anyone.
If you love somebody who is a complainer do not withdraw from them for you are also withdrawing from the spirit. Turn to service, patiently involving the complainer while praying for the spirit to pierce their heart.
President Hinkley always encouraged us to be joyful and full of hope. He knew without a doubt joy and hope blossom exponentially through service, telling us, “generally speaking, the most miserable people I know are those who are obsessed with themselves; the happiest people I know are those who lose themselves in the service of others.”
