It strikes me funny sometimes how the Lord has to occasionally hit me over the head with a proverbial two-by-four to get my attention. Why is that? Why can’t I get the subtle nudges? This past week, the Lord had to use his big stick on me again, doing it through a movie and through a lesson I had no idea how to teach.
The movie was Fireproof, an unashamedly Christian film about communication and the role of God in marriage. This small independent film is from the producers of two other films with Christian themes, Fighting the Giants and Flywheel, both of which are worth tracking down as DVDs.
My wife and I both enjoyed Fireproof (previously reviewed in another Meridian article here) both as an individual experience and as a couple. Afterward, we talked about the film’s story at length and about the messages it conveyed regarding God’s role in marriage communication.
The next day, scenes from the movie stayed with me. Thinking about communications between husbands and wives reminded me of science fiction author Robert Heinlein’s homily (from his novel Time Enough For Love ): “Formal courtesy between husband and wife is even more important than it is between strangers.” Part of Fireproof ‘s message showed the need for us to be civil in our exchanges with our spouse – seeking always to suppress knee jerk reactions and spontaneous anger.
My contemplations started me wondering if there weren’t changes I needed to make, or at least tune up, regarding communications in my own interpersonal relationships. However, thinking about changing or tuning up communication skills and actually doing it are two very different things.
In the midst of this scenario, I began preparing to teach a lesson for our High Priests group on Chapter 20 from The Teachings of the Church Presidents – Joseph Smith. The chapter, entitled ‘A Heart Full of Love and Faith: The Prophet’s Letters to His Family’, consisted mostly of examples of Joseph’s letters written to his wife Emma during his frequent absences and incarcerations.
Quite frankly, after reading through the chapter, I had no idea how I was going to stretch a bunch of letters – which at first glance didn’t contain any in-depth or important Church doctrine, into a thirty or forty minute lesson. I was, to use one of my wife’s favorite expressions, gob smacked .
It was then that the Lord took out his two-by-four of love and inspiration a took a big swing . . .
Love and Inspiration
What I had not done before reading the chapter was communicate with the Lord. I hadn’t prayed. I hadn’t placed myself in a frame of reference where the Lord could show me what it was he wanted me to communicate to my fellow High Priests. He had given me – personally – this lesson to teach, and in my hurried exasperation, I was not listening.
I thought about the movie Fireproof and its lessons on communication in marriage – and its even more important lesson regarding the significance of God’s place in that communication. The Lord is the key, as he is in all things.
I suddenly felt the inescapable urge to pray about the lesson I was to teach. In that frame of quiet reflection, I found myself repeatedly being directed to thoughts of communication in marriage. I suddenly realized, of course, that the letters the Prophet wrote to Emma were exceptionally clear illustrations of how he communicated in his marriage – what better example could we have?
I excitedly began reading the lesson again, this time with an eye toward what the Prophet communicated through his letters.
The first thing to strike me was the difficulties the Prophet had to overcome in order to communicate in the first place. Often travelling vast distances under difficult circumstances, never knowing when he would be persecuted by false arrests or nuisance lawsuits, the Prophet still put pen to paper to communicate to his spouse.
How difficult it must have been at times, especially when incarcerated, to even find paper and pen, to write in cramped quarters with little light, and to have to rely on the charity of others – sometimes others who despised him – to send the letters on their way. His faith in the Lord’s hand in protecting the letters on their perilous journey must have been unshakable.
What Was of Most Importance
With the advent of today’s sophisticated telephonic and electronic communications, much of what we have to say to one another is of little significance. Have you ever looked at a group of people all talking or texting on their cell phones and wonder just what of almighty importance they are all going on about? We have been spoiled by instant communication, yet it appears we still say little of significance or importance to one another – we talk and text, but do we truly communicate?
In Joseph Smith’s case, his communication was so severely limited he surely reduced what he had to say to that which was of most importance.
Realizing this, as I read through the letters in the chapter, I began to see a number of correlations between each of the communications.
Joseph always communicated LOVE:
“My heart is entwined around yours forever and ever.”
– November 12, 1838, from Richmond, Missouri.
“And as to yourself, if you want to know how much I want to see you, examine your feelings, how much you want to see me, and judge for yourself.”
– April 4, 1839, from the jail in Liberty, Missouri.
He communicated LONGING:
“My dear Emma, I think of you and the children continually.”
– April 4, 1839, from the jail in Liberty, Missouri.
“My breast is filled with all the feelings and tenderness of a parent and a husband, and could I be with you I would tell you many things.”
– October 13, 1832, from New York, NY.
He communicated messages to INDIVIDUALS:
“Tell little Joseph he must be a good boy; Father loves him with a perfect love. He is the eldest and must not hurt those that are smaller than him, but comfort them.”
– November 12, 1838, from Richmond, Missouri.
He communicated STRENGTH:
“I hope God gives you the strength that you may not faint.”
– October 13, 1832, from New York, NY.
He communicated ENDURANCE:
“I bear with fortitude all my oppression; so do those that are with me. Not one of us has flinched yet.”
-April 4, 1839, from the jail in Liberty, Missouri.
“Tell Father Smith and all the family and brother Oliver [Cowdery] to be comforted and look forward to the day when the trials and tribulations of this life will be at an end, and we [will] all enjoy the fruits of our labor if we hold faithful to the end, which I pray may be the happy lot for all of us.”
-June 4, 1834, from the banks of the Mississippi in western Illinois.
He communicated GOD’S LOVE:
“But God is merciful and has forgiven my sins, and I rejoice that he sendeth forth the Comforter unto as many as believe and humble themselves before him.”
–June 6, 1832, from Greenville, Indiana.
“Although I go unto death, I will trust in God.”
– November 4, 1938, Independence, Missouri.
He communicated REASSURANCE:
“Tell the children I am alive and trust I shall come and see them before long. Comfort their hearts all you can, and try to be comforted yourself all you can.
..”
– November 12, 1838, from Richmond, Missouri.
He communicated UNDERSTANDING:
“I feel for you for I know your state (Emma was pregnant), and others do not, but you must comfort yourself knowing God is in heaven and that you have one true and living friend on earth, your husband.”
– October 13, 1832, from New York, NY.
“My dear Emma, I very well know your toils and sympathize with you.”
– March 21, 1939, Liberty, Missouri.
He communicated DIRECTION:
“Do teach [the children] all you can, that they might have good minds. Be tender and kind to them; don’t be fractious to them, but listen to their wants.”
– November 12, 1838, from Richmond, Missouri.
“I want you to take the best care of the family you can. I believe you will do all you can.”
– March 21, 1939, Liberty, Missouri.
He communicated TRUST:
“Act according to your own feelings and best judgment.”
– November 12, 1838, from Richmond, Missouri.
“Conduct all matters as your circumstances and necessities require. My God give you wisdom and prudence and sobriety, which I have every reason to believe you will [have].”
– November 4, 1938, Independence, Missouri.
And he always communicated HOPE:
“Good ruleth all things after the counsel of his own will. My trust is in him.”
– March 21, 1939, Liberty, Missouri.
“Yours in haste, your affectionate husband until death, through all eternity; for evermore.”
-August 16, 1842, Nauvoo, Illinois.
Clear Communication
Love, Longing, Individuals, Strength, Endurance, God’s Love, Reassurance, Understanding, Direction, Trust, and Hope. These are the messages the Prophet continually communicated to his spouse and family. Should we not endeavor to follow his example?
In both novel writing and in screenwriting one of the key elements in communicating your story to the reader/viewer is to not just tell, but to show. You can tell your readers/viewers a character is courageous, but unless you show the character being courageous there is no reason to believe it.
So it is in communicating with our spouses and our families. The Prophet did not just tell his family he loved them, he showed them – not only by the subjects he chose to write about, but by the sheer act of finding a way to write at all as he suffered through heinous trials and tribulations. He communicated the things he knew to be important.
What are we telling our spouses and families? Are we only chattering the white noise of popular culture, or are we also taking the time to teach, reassure, strengthen, show our love of God, and the other touchstones the Prophet has shown us in his own actions?
There is a big difference between reacting and responding. If you go to the doctor and he gives you a prescription to which you react, that’s bad. If you go to the doctor and he gives you a prescription and you respond, that’s good.
Consider how you speak to your spouse and family. Are there anger, frustration, and ill feelings in your tone? Are you reacting out of personal affront, or responding out of love?
Too often we verbally react without controlling our emotions, leading to adverse consequences. If we can only control our natural selves, take a second of thought, and respond out of love and kindness, we will be walking in the path of the Prophet and the Lord.
It doesn’t matter if our spouse or family member does not respond in kind (as pointed out specifically in Fireproof ). In many ways it is not about them. It is first about us and our response to them. Then it is about them and the way we would have our loved ones treated. Do we want to be filled with the love of Christ, or do we want to take offense and retaliate in kind?
Take some time today to think about what you can do to not only tell your spouse and family you love them, but to show them. Show them your love through positive responses of understanding and compassion even in harshly irritating situations.
Don’t hang around waiting for the Lord to get out his two-by-four and have to teach you the lesson.
