At Home

Editor’s note: Daryl Hoole has recently started answering homemaking questions from readers. These answers will appear once a month on Mondays, alternating with her regular At Home column. Questions from readers will appear in normal type, with her answers in boldface. If you have a homemaking question for Daryl, instructions on how to write to her can be found at the end of this column.

How can you help someone, either family or otherwise, who seems to have no drive to keep a clean house? I have a close family member whose home is so deplorable that no one ever wants to go there. She’s a mother of four children (youngest eight years old).

I also visit teach a woman who has nine children, who has almost lost them to family services, and was forced to do some cleaning – only to go right back to living as she was.

I’ve seen, through the years, that so many women whose homes are chaotic and downright filthy end up raising children whose lives seem to be a mess as well. I feel so bad for these children, but I’ve never been able to inspire or help in such a way that a real change is made. What would be your recommendation?

Your question conjures up a flood of thoughts, but there’s no simple answer. The situations you describe appear to be extreme cases: “no one ever wants to go there,” and “she almost lost her children to family services.”

I would suggest that inasmuch as the usual attempts to teach and influence each of these women have failed thus far, that you engage in fasting and prayer on behalf of them. In other words, I believe that through sincere, persistent fasting and prayer you can call down the powers of heaven to influence the women of your concern – or to influence you to know how to help them. The outcome, of course, would be directed by the Spirit and could be different for each woman. There could be any one of a number of results. Following are three possibilities:

• The woman is blessed with a desire to keep a more orderly and cleaner house

Until a person’s heart is softened and she has a desire to learn and change, efforts to help her develop better habits and improve her housekeeping skills are in vain. However, a desire within her to accept instruction and do things better can come about through the workings of the Spirit. This would be a miracle, but then miracles do happen.

• Underlying causes for the woman’s poor housekeeping become apparent.

Perhaps the woman is not just being lazy and neglectful, but that she is not well and therefore is limited by physical or emotional illness. She may be suffering from some type of disease that saps her strength or she may be clinically depressed. A medical evaluation could lead to both a diagnosis and helpful treatment.

The condition of a woman’s home is usually a reflection of how she feels about herself. It could be that she has a very low self-esteem. Does she think that she is hopeless or that the situation is? Is she totally overwhelmed by her responsibilities in the home? It may be that some professional counseling is needed.

Then, instead of being critical, you can become more understanding, patient, and charitable and therefore can be guided in helping without offense.

• Family and friends cease to be judgmental and come to love the person as the Lord does.

You could learn to accept her as your sister, a child of God. You could focus on her strengths, rather than her weaknesses. It’s only when people are completely and genuinely accepted that they feel secure enough to grow and change. Again, a miracle could be wrought.

We must not force our will upon others. I was forcibly struck a few days ago by an anonymous quote. It reads: “Through the years I have matured into realizing that I can’t fix everything I see. I have begun to see the wonderful fact that God is involved in every life, and not always through me.”

I can appreciate your concern for women who don’t have good housekeeping skills and habits. Not only do they do themselves and their families a huge injustice, but their poor ways are perpetuated and future generations suffer as well. And you’re right in that children from dysfunctional homes often have serious problems. I surely hope the answers will be found and solutions will be made manifest.

What a blessing it would be for these women to learn to become good stewards over their homes and create a safe, sacred place for their families, one where everyone can grow and progress. The ideal home is a place where the Spirit of the Lord can dwell, a temple.

Daryl will be a guest speaker for the American Mothers, Incorporated, Utah Association, State Convention and Luncheon on Saturday, March 17 th in Salt Lake City. The event will be held at the Little America Hotel from 10:00 to 2:00. To learn more, click www.amiutah.org