The title of this article reflects a common idea in the world of dating at middle age. In our 20s, all of us were roughly equal. Even though some may have come from families with substantial resources, while others did not, with a good education and personal initiative, your dating partner might represent “potential.” A woman in her 20s might want a husband who could make enough money to allow her to be a full-time parent and homemaker, rather than contributing a second income. Before a first marriage in your 20s, that was all theory.
But 15 or 20 years later, lived experience has answered a lot of those questions. We now have a lot more history upon which to evaluate whether a dating partner has built a successful career. In popular media, people commonly refer to a man with a comfortable living as a “high-value man.” In fairness, many people refer to a “high value man” as one that has good character, a supportive personality, and personal spirituality, along with financial stability.
I have heard many single men complain that women say they want a man who loves the Lord, but, in real life, seem to choose men with big bucks and six-pack abs. I heard one man in his 60s say, “Women want a man who looks like Mitt Romney and has his money.” There is a sort of bitterness in these comments that suggests that women are shallow, and a decent guy with an ordinary paycheck doesn’t stand a chance.
This subject raises big questions each of us is forced to grapple with if we are confronted with dating at middle age. Is it true that women are primarily interested in money and physical appearance? If so, is that immoral or just smart?
A review of literature entitled Mate Preferences and Their Behavioral Manifestations, David A. Buss and David P. Schmitt found that 80 percent of women surveyed preferred men over 6 feet tall. That same review of literature found that 97 percent of women preferred a man with a steady income. However, 75 percent of men felt the same way. If this means women are “gold-diggers,” a lot of men are too. The review further found that:
Attractive women expressed a desire for higher levels of hypothesized good genes indicators such as masculinity, physical attractiveness, sex appeal, and physical fitness. They also expressed a greater desire for a higher potential income of a mate, good parenting qualities such as fondness for children, and good partner indicators such as being a loving partner.
These findings are not particularly jaw-dropping. The idea that women would rather date and marry men with money than poor men and, other things being equal, prefer strong and handsome men rather than weak and unattractive men should not come as a surprise.
Other studies show that 14.5 percent of the male population in the United States is over 6 feet tall, and about 17 percent of men make $100,000 a year or more. Approximately 1-3 percent of single men have both height over 6 feet and income over $100,000 per year. So, a woman who insists on dating men that are both tall and financially blessed may be limiting herself to as few as 1 to 3 percent of the men.
But that is if you assume that a tall man who makes a good income is acceptable in all other ways. Let’s suppose he has had his membership withdrawn by the Church, or that he insists on controlling all the money. So, he might make a good living, but isn’t good at sharing it with his partner. What if he is tall but otherwise homely? What if he has a bad temper and a police record for domestic violence? By the time you have accounted for other disqualifying factors, you may realistically be limiting yourself to less than 1 percent of the available men.
Very few men would be content to be valued only as a potential source of money any more than women want to be viewed only as a convenient sexual partner. I believe men and women both want to be valued for who they are inside and hope their partners care for them in both poverty or wealth. So how can you tell if the person you are dating is a “gold digger”? These are a few telltale signs:
1. Your partner is overly focused on your money, career, or possessions. He or she may ask a lot of questions about what you earn or own. He or she may be very interested in what kind of car you drive, where you like to eat out or vacation, and very few questions about who you are and what you care about.
2. Your partner’s level of interest seems to rise and fall with your willingness to spend money. He or she seems affectionate and engaged when you are paying for things but more distant when you want to spend time together doing things that don’t cost money.
3. They expect expensive gifts and dates early on. If your partner is treating luxuries as a baseline expectation, take plenty of time to understand whether your partner likes you for who you are and not as a means of procuring the luxuries they crave.
4. They rarely or never offer to pay. Some men are old school and prefer to always pay, which is fine. Some women insist on paying for their own meal of half of shared experiences, which is also fine. But if your partner seems to expect that you are responsible to pay for everything—including his or her ideas—it may be a telltale sign.
5. They avoid low-cost or non-material experiences. If your partner is excited about an expensive dinner out but dislikes a picnic or watching a movie at home, again, this may be a telltale sign.
6. They talk about lifestyle not partnership. You might hear comments like “I could never be with someone who drives used cars or “I need to be with someone who can provide for me.”
7. They pressure you for financial commitments too soon. They might bring up loaning them money, joint accounts, or future plans that require your earning power early in the relationship.
8. They suggest that the money you make will be half theirs, and the money they make will all be theirs. The fact that you have income and can support a spouse does not mean all his or her income is disposable “fun money” for him or her to enjoy without your input.
9. They are image-conscious in a way that ties to your wealth or professional status. Your partner may be very concerned with how you look as a couple or on social media, especially around expensive things.
On the other hand, what should you look for to tell if your partner is genuine? The following are my suggestions:
1. Change the context. Suggest simple, low-cost dates. See if your partner is interested in spending time with you or are disappointed if it doesn’t involve spending on luxuries.
2. Talk openly about money—but values rather than numbers. Ask your partner how he or she feels about saving, debt, generosity, and lifestyle priorities. Gold diggers usually reveal materialistic values in these conversations.
3. Don’t use your money to impress. Make expensive restaurants or experiences for truly special occasions after you know your partner—not as a way to impress him or her. If you have already made the mistake of overspending early in the relationship, pull back on spending and focus on activities that don’t cost money. If interest fades, that is a clue.
4. Watch how your partner treats people who can’t benefit him or her. This includes waiters, Uber drivers, or your friends and co-workers. Character is often revealed in that context.
5. Inquire about past relationships. Does your partner have a history of dating high-earners or people who “take care of them”?
6. Don’t mistake someone who is good with money for gold-digging. During my mid-single years, I met and dated a number of women who had sacrificed and worked very hard to get their finances in order after the chaos of divorce. Several of them said that they had taken responsibility to put their financial houses in order and wanted partners who had done the same. That is very different from marrying someone to get your hands on his or her money. It is wanting to marry someone who shares your values about work, living within your means, avoiding consumer debt, and saving for retirement and having the peace of mind that comes from living by those principles.
Managing money is an important part of a couple’s life together, and it is important for the two people to honestly discuss their values and expectations for dealing with financial issues. But dating interest that is primarily driven by trying to find a quick and easy shortcut to financial resources is not sincere. If you don’t want to become attractive to your partner for the wrong reasons, be careful not to use your financial resources to impress potential dating partners.
If you are blessed with great income or financial resources, it is not an insult if someone who has experienced significant financial reversals has dreams of being married to someone like you and taking some of the sting out of his or her life—as long as his or her interest is driven by an interest in you as a human being and not in the things you have or can provide. Jobs can be lost. Debts can be paid. Fortunes can change. So don’t make eternal decisions based on temporal conditions that might change—and do your best to marry someone who has those priorities in perspective.
I love the story about Sister Marjorie Pay Hinckley, wife of President Gordon B. Hinckley. It is recorded in the Church News that “In their early married years, they had little in worldly goods. He was making $185 a month when they married.” Sister Hinckley, according to the Church News article, recalled: “I remember him calling me one day before we were married and saying, ‘We have got to call this off. I’ve only got $150 to my name.’ And I said, ‘I get a husband plus $150. We are in good shape!’” Sister Hinckley made a decision on character, and financial security eventually took care of itself.
Resource:
Intentional Courtship can help in this journey.
About the Author
Jeff Teichert, and his wife Cathy Butler Teichert, are the founders of “Love in Later Years,” which ministers to Latter-day Saint single adults seeking peace, healing, and more joyful relationships. They are co-authors of the Amazon bestseller Intentional Courtship: A Mid-Singles Guide to Peace, Progress and Pairing Up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Jeff and Cathy each spent nearly a decade in the mid-singles community and they use that experience to provide counsel and hope to mid-singles and later married couples through written articles, podcasts, and videos. Jeff and Cathy are both Advanced Certified Life Coaches and have university degrees in Family & Human Development. They are the parents of a blended family that includes four handsome sons, one lovely daughter-in-law, and two sweet little granddaughters.
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