Question
My husband and I have three grown sons whom we taught the gospel but who are all inactive. And since they’ve left home, they don’t seem to think they have parents. They never give us a phone call or come to see us unless we invite (beg) them or they need something. One son is married, one is single without a girlfriend, and the oldest is living with his girlfriend.
Special occasions aren’t special to them. I always try to make occasions meaningful, but they don’t care. My birthday went unnoticed this year, except for a gift from my husband and a phone call from my oldest son. I suppose two out of four isn’t so bad!
I had hoped by the time my kids were adults they would value my husband and me for something, but that hasn’t happened. When I hear of other parents being honored by their children, I feel like we’ve failed in every way. What should we expect from them, and how should we proceed?
Answer
It’s terribly painful to have your children disregard the very relationships that gave them life and supported them every day. The sacrifices parents make for their children are incalculable and while I’m certain most parents aren’t keeping score, there certainly is a hope that these bonds will stay intact after children leave home.
The commandment to honor our parents turns us to our earthy parents and, in effect, keeps us pointed in love and deference toward our Heavenly Parents. Elder Dallin H. Oaks outlined what this looks like. He taught, “If you honor your parents, you will love them, respect them, confide in them, be considerate of them, express appreciation for them, and demonstrate all of these things by following their counsel in righteousness and by obeying the commandments of God.”[i]
I believe your sons will someday regret their negligence and immaturity. If they have specific reasons they aren’t turning toward the two of you, then it’s important they approach you in an effort to reconcile and work out any differences. In the meantime, it’s important you continue to create conditions where they can be received when they decide to care about this relationship.
As difficult as it may seem, I encourage you to be patient with them as you give them room to have more experiences that will help them deepen their awareness. I know my own gratitude for my parents increases on a regular basis as I have new experiences with children, marriage, work, health, and other areas.
Continue finding ways you can connect with them. Don’t give up on attempting to get it right with them. As you continue to show interest, provide observations, and offer them support, perhaps there can be moments where they can see how important you are to their lives. Even if they don’t reciprocate, the experience of serving your children will continue to help you grow and develop attributes and traits that will make your life more complete.
This feeling of be underused and underwhelmed is painful, but a great opportunity for you to grow. Elder Neal A. Maxwell taught:
“Since patience is one of the traits of a saint, it should not surprise us that we must sometimes learn patience not only by physical suffering, but also by sometimes having something to offer which, for one reason or another, we are prevented from offering, at least on the terms we would like to make the contribution. To trust God enough to accept the reality that he knows perfectly both what we have to offer and what we desire is a special form of trust.”[ii]
You didn’t mention anything about the state of your marriage, but please recognize that if you organized your happiness and relationship needs around the lives of your sons, your life will feel very empty and lonely when they leave your nest. You might even feel it’s unfair that they aren’t returning the favors you did for them. If you did all of that so you could guarantee that you would always have them close to you, then these efforts were placed in the wrong context. Your children can’t meet your emotional needs. Make sure you are actively working on building a solid marriage with your husband so you can have those needs met in a healthy way.
Continue to reach out and connect to your boys individually. Learn as much as you can about their lives so you can find ways to support them. Seek their feedback about what you can do better as parents to support them and connect to them. They may have ideas as you approach them with a sincere desire to be closer to them.
As you get your emotional needs met in healthy ways through turning to God, strengthening your marriage, counseling with friends, and providing service, you will have more capacity to continue reaching out to your sons. You have not failed your sons. They have lessons to learn and have personal responsibility to care for their relationships with their parents regardless of their activity level in the Church. Keep reaching and don’t give up.
Geoff will answer a new family and relationship question every Friday. You can email your question to him at ge***@************ge.com
About the Author
Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in St. George, UT. He is the owner of Alliant Counseling and Education (www.alliantcounseling.com) and the founding director of LifeStar of St. George, an outpatient treatment program for couples and individuals impacted by pornography and sexual addiction (www.lifestarstgeorge.com). He is the co-author of “Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity”, available at Deseret Book, and the audio series “Strengthening Recovery Through Strengthening Marriage”, available at www.marriage-recovery.com. He also writes a weekly relationship column for the St. George News (www.stgnews.com). He holds a bachelors degree from BYU in communications studies and a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy from Auburn University. He served a full-time mission to the Dominican Republic and currently serves as the primary chorister. He is married to Jody Young Steurer and they are the parents of four children.
You can connect with him at:
Website: www.lovingmarriage.com
Twitter: @geoffsteurer
Facebook: www.facebook.com/GeoffSteurerMFT
[i] https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1991/04/honour-thy-father-and-thy-mother?lang=eng
[ii] https://www.lds.org/ensign/1975/07/its-service-not-status-that-counts?lang=eng
AleceFebruary 22, 2015
Erika, just a clarification. The sister with the problem isn't inactive. Her children are.
AnonymousFebruary 22, 2015
It is often difficult for faithful members to accept the differing views of their children. People do not change because people beg them, or manipulate them (not saying the mom here has), or point out their flaws. People change because they are accepted exactly where they are. 1) Be welcoming to the women in their lives. Seek common ground and see what your sons see in them. If significant others detect even a single whiff of being less than from parents, they have great influence on the distance with the family of origin. But even more important is not to blame a significant other for that influence on your child --- your child's loyalty to the person they are sharing their life with is the right thing for them to do. Learn to love, those whom your children love. 2) Do not center your words or actions around the church, thinking that pressing that issue is most important. It is not. What is most important is that your sons experience the love of God through you, so they will seek Him in whatever pathway they are willing to move on. The best way to testify of the value of the Gospel plan is to live fully in His example, not to preach the gospel that you already presumably have taught. 3) Your sons, as imperfect as their obedience to the commandments may seem to you, may be more perfect in Christ than you are since the atonement covers their personal best, along with their quick repentance. So quit thinking of their choices or their being as less than, or ones you have to fix or even they have to fix. They may be more square with God than you are. (This advice isn't intended to result in guilt or despair: it is intended to help you change the way you think about your boys so they will experience your love of God, and not be pushed away by judgment (which they may be completely imagining, but is often present from faithful church members.) 4) Send them a word puzzle with family news or just a newsy letter or a photo every month. Maybe set up a quarterly family dinner which you hold absolutely even if no one comes but you. Seek their input before setting the schedule, give plenty of notice, and reminders, but no pressure. Don't give up hope. My son who resigned seven years ago ask last week for missionary contact info.