Question
My husband and I have been together nine years. We were both married before and ended up cheating on our spouses, which is how we ended up together. Even though we both regret doing that to our families, all of these years later, we’re happy together and have a good marriage. We’ve tried to make amends with his children, but they still treat me like “the other woman.” We have gone through years of small, loving, slow steps, where for the most part, I still have been rejected, kept away or kept at-bay. We’ve moved forward, hoping that time will heal, provide forgiveness, and soften their hearts. We’ve supported his children’s relationships, finances, marriages, and now, the first grandchild. His daughter only wants him to come visit their new child. He told her that “we” would come visit the grandchild, which was upsetting to her. My husband and I have had many talks and feel his children are being disrespectful to him, his life, and me. We feel he needs to have a face-to-face with them so we can have a truthful and realistic starting point for where to go from here and what’s acceptable and what’s not. But it just isn’t happening for him. He says he will talk with them, but does nothing so he doesn’t stir things up while they might be getting better. I know this man truly loves me but is admittedly conflicted about taking a stand for us. I feel uncared for with regard to this and don’t know how to help move us out and forward.
Answer
Even though nine years seems like a long time for his children to hold a grudge against you, it’s important to stay accountable and honest about what really happened. You both were a significant part of dismantling the family his children counted on for safety and stability. This isn’t something that heals quickly.
You were able to move forward and redefine your life with your new husband. This was something you both controlled. On the other hand, children who go through divorce are completely powerless. They don’t get to have a say. Elder Dallin H. Oaks explained, “Because divorce separates the interests of children from the interests of their parents, children are its first victims.”[i] Parents make decisions about where children will live, who they will spend time with, and what their life will look like. From a child’s point of view, divorce is the most unfair thing that could happen to them.
I recognize that some divorces are necessary. However, after counseling with couples and families for over fifteen years, it’s my believe that most divorces are preventable if adults would take personal accountability for their behaviors and do the work necessary to build a healthy marriage. I don’t know the circumstances around your divorces, but I do know that infidelity is a choice that produces a train of consequences that don’t always disappear after nine years.
Instead of demanding that these children respect you, try having some compassion for what it must be like to have their dad with another woman. Having a new grandbaby dials up some strong feelings of family loyalty that aren’t easily shared with an outsider. Even though you’re connected to your husband, his children obviously don’t feel the same way about you.
If you really feel compassion and sorrow for the impact this affair had on them years ago, then I recommend you support her wishes with her new baby and show her that you don’t have one ounce of entitlement. This moment doesn’t have to be about your husband making a stand for his relationship with you. You guys already did that nine years ago when you formed your relationship. You had your time to show the world that you were a couple. Now, it’s your time to make this about her new little family. Don’t put your husband in the middle of having to choose between her and you.
If you want her to feel close to you, then show her the appropriate accountability and respect that she needs to feel safe with you. You can take her response as a form of feedback about what she needs in her relationship with you. Elder Todd D. Christofferson taught “if we are open to it, needed correction will come in many forms and from many sources.”[i]
She needs to know you’re not a threat to her and that even though you’re going to stay married to her dad, you understand how hard your presence in the family still is for her. My guess is that she’ll eventually warm up to you, but it may not happen as quickly as you had hoped.
You can connect with Geoff Steurer at:
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About the Author
Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in St. George, Utah. He is the co-author of “Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity”, host of the podcast, “From Crisis to Connection”, and creates online relationship courses. He earned degrees from Brigham Young University and Auburn University. He is married to Jody Young Steurer and they are the parents of four children.
[i] https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/as-many-as-i-love-i-rebuke-and-chasten?lang=eng
[i] https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/04/divorce?lang=eng
Jeannie MossApril 2, 2025
I think it's odd that you want respect when you gave none to his children when you chose to have an affair with a married man and father and break up their family. You and your husband both chose to hurt his children deeply and now it seems that you don't want the consequences of that choice. Be grateful that he has any relationship at all with his children and let him be a grandfather without you. Yes--in time they may forgive you, but forgiveness does not equate that they want to have you in their lives. They are making a choice to have boundaries. You don't like their choices but want them to accept yours. Let the situation be what it is and seek peace for yourself and give grace to them. I wish you well.
Love takes timeApril 2, 2025
As a child robbed of my family, due to my father's affair, this hits me deeply. There is no easy answer because, at least you (the step-mother) want a relationship with your unwilling step-daughter. After, over fifty years, I've never been able to connect with my step-mother who ultimately was the catalyst to my parents divorce. That said, my parents marriage was messy, they were young and my dad was missing important moral conviction needed for a solid marriage at the time. Thankfully I was young when the divorce happened. The few times I was able to spend time with my father (he was overseas most of my childhood) my step-mom helped take care of me but was not emotionally invested in me in any way and still is not to this day, even after my dad's passing. I forgave my father and step-mom long ago, and in time, maybe this young mother will be able to forgive you also. Don't force it, just love from a distance and interact as you are allowed, even if nothing more than being supportive to your husband when he visits his children. Love with out expectation and pray. Pray for the humility to accept things as they are and love without condition and be able to support your husband's need to support his children. There is a touch of irony in your statements as they match, very much I'm sure, the feelings of his first wife when you stepped in. It's a hard truth, but just know that the Lord loves you and will forgive, but sometimes we must experience a little of the pain He took on for our sins. I'm no perfect saint and I have made my fair share of shortcomings and have children who resent how I raised them, so I am now trying to step into their shoes as well. In time, by doing so, I hope it will help me reconnect with them as I accept responsibility for mistakes I made. God bless you as you move forward that you may be comforted.