I think it's odd that you want respect when you gave none to his children when you chose to have an affair with a married man and father and break up their family. You and your husband both chose to hurt his children deeply and now it seems that you don't want the consequences of that choice. Be grateful that he has any relationship at all with his children and let him be a grandfather without you. Yes--in time they may forgive you, but forgiveness does not equate that they want to have you in their lives. They are making a choice to have boundaries. You don't like their choices but want them to accept yours. Let the situation be what it is and seek peace for yourself and give grace to them. I wish you well.
Love takes timeApril 2, 2025
As a child robbed of my family, due to my father's affair, this hits me deeply. There is no easy answer because, at least you (the step-mother) want a relationship with your unwilling step-daughter.
After, over fifty years, I've never been able to connect with my step-mother who ultimately was the catalyst to my parents divorce. That said, my parents marriage was messy, they were young and my dad was missing important moral conviction needed for a solid marriage at the time. Thankfully I was young when the divorce happened. The few times I was able to spend time with my father (he was overseas most of my childhood) my step-mom helped take care of me but was not emotionally invested in me in any way and still is not to this day, even after my dad's passing.
I forgave my father and step-mom long ago, and in time, maybe this young mother will be able to forgive you also. Don't force it, just love from a distance and interact as you are allowed, even if nothing more than being supportive to your husband when he visits his children.
Love with out expectation and pray. Pray for the humility to accept things as they are and love without condition and be able to support your husband's need to support his children.
There is a touch of irony in your statements as they match, very much I'm sure, the feelings of his first wife when you stepped in. It's a hard truth, but just know that the Lord loves you and will forgive, but sometimes we must experience a little of the pain He took on for our sins.
I'm no perfect saint and I have made my fair share of shortcomings and have children who resent how I raised them, so I am now trying to step into their shoes as well. In time, by doing so, I hope it will help me reconnect with them as I accept responsibility for mistakes I made. God bless you as you move forward that you may be comforted.
Beccabg00deApril 2, 2025
My parent’s divorce affected me my whole adult life. I finally went through intense EMDR therapy in my later 50’s to make sense of what happened to me. The worst part was I treated my husband badly thinking it would be better for him to leave early in our marriage if it was going to happen anyway. I felt nothing but relief when my dad died because I would never have to see that woman again. She never let us speak or see our dad alone. I think she is why we have evil step mom stories. If you don’t want them to feel like that about you, let them have the say of how your relationship will be. It’s part of them taking control of their life.
MaryannMarch 28, 2025
The advice given here was so very true. After breaking up a family through adultery and divorce, no woman, or man, has the right to expect the children devastated by that betrayal to show them "respect." This woman is downplaying the depth of pain that these children experienced. She needs to stay in the background and respect the adult children's wishes for her to stay away from them. She should also support her husband in spending time with them without her being present. That is the LEAST she can do. Perhaps, in time, the adult children will be able to accept her, but the timing of that possibility is completely THEIR choice, not hers. They owe her nothing.
Elizabeth RichardsonMarch 28, 2025
Get off your husband's back about talking to his daughter. Do you think he should cajole her into wanting you around? Should he risk being cut off himself? Your husband knows how you feel about the situation and still has his reasons for not forcing the issue. Be kind, be selfless, and leave him (and his daughter) alone. Accept the possibility that you will never be welcome among his children, and let your "happy marriage" be enough. You've owned up to having done the wrong thing with the affair, and that's good. Keep the "good" going by exercising compassion and humility. Forcing your way in will only engender resentment. Let him participate freely in his family without punishing him or his children.
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Jeannie MossApril 2, 2025
I think it's odd that you want respect when you gave none to his children when you chose to have an affair with a married man and father and break up their family. You and your husband both chose to hurt his children deeply and now it seems that you don't want the consequences of that choice. Be grateful that he has any relationship at all with his children and let him be a grandfather without you. Yes--in time they may forgive you, but forgiveness does not equate that they want to have you in their lives. They are making a choice to have boundaries. You don't like their choices but want them to accept yours. Let the situation be what it is and seek peace for yourself and give grace to them. I wish you well.
Love takes timeApril 2, 2025
As a child robbed of my family, due to my father's affair, this hits me deeply. There is no easy answer because, at least you (the step-mother) want a relationship with your unwilling step-daughter. After, over fifty years, I've never been able to connect with my step-mother who ultimately was the catalyst to my parents divorce. That said, my parents marriage was messy, they were young and my dad was missing important moral conviction needed for a solid marriage at the time. Thankfully I was young when the divorce happened. The few times I was able to spend time with my father (he was overseas most of my childhood) my step-mom helped take care of me but was not emotionally invested in me in any way and still is not to this day, even after my dad's passing. I forgave my father and step-mom long ago, and in time, maybe this young mother will be able to forgive you also. Don't force it, just love from a distance and interact as you are allowed, even if nothing more than being supportive to your husband when he visits his children. Love with out expectation and pray. Pray for the humility to accept things as they are and love without condition and be able to support your husband's need to support his children. There is a touch of irony in your statements as they match, very much I'm sure, the feelings of his first wife when you stepped in. It's a hard truth, but just know that the Lord loves you and will forgive, but sometimes we must experience a little of the pain He took on for our sins. I'm no perfect saint and I have made my fair share of shortcomings and have children who resent how I raised them, so I am now trying to step into their shoes as well. In time, by doing so, I hope it will help me reconnect with them as I accept responsibility for mistakes I made. God bless you as you move forward that you may be comforted.
Beccabg00deApril 2, 2025
My parent’s divorce affected me my whole adult life. I finally went through intense EMDR therapy in my later 50’s to make sense of what happened to me. The worst part was I treated my husband badly thinking it would be better for him to leave early in our marriage if it was going to happen anyway. I felt nothing but relief when my dad died because I would never have to see that woman again. She never let us speak or see our dad alone. I think she is why we have evil step mom stories. If you don’t want them to feel like that about you, let them have the say of how your relationship will be. It’s part of them taking control of their life.
MaryannMarch 28, 2025
The advice given here was so very true. After breaking up a family through adultery and divorce, no woman, or man, has the right to expect the children devastated by that betrayal to show them "respect." This woman is downplaying the depth of pain that these children experienced. She needs to stay in the background and respect the adult children's wishes for her to stay away from them. She should also support her husband in spending time with them without her being present. That is the LEAST she can do. Perhaps, in time, the adult children will be able to accept her, but the timing of that possibility is completely THEIR choice, not hers. They owe her nothing.
Elizabeth RichardsonMarch 28, 2025
Get off your husband's back about talking to his daughter. Do you think he should cajole her into wanting you around? Should he risk being cut off himself? Your husband knows how you feel about the situation and still has his reasons for not forcing the issue. Be kind, be selfless, and leave him (and his daughter) alone. Accept the possibility that you will never be welcome among his children, and let your "happy marriage" be enough. You've owned up to having done the wrong thing with the affair, and that's good. Keep the "good" going by exercising compassion and humility. Forcing your way in will only engender resentment. Let him participate freely in his family without punishing him or his children.
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