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Question
I love my husband deeply but his oldest son is so mean to me. My 20-year-old stepson is verbally abusive. I have almost committed myself to a mental hospital because of the torture I go through. My husband lets it happen because he is afraid he will lose his son.
The son is living with us because his mother and her wife kicked him out and had to change the locks. She usually enables him and doesn’t require him to be respectful to me. He calls me horrible names and says that this isn’t my home because I’m just married to his dad.
I have health problems and need to go to the doctor multiple times per week. When I leave, my stepson will lock me out and steal my stuff. He crossed my face out of all my photos on the wall and has even called the police to report that I assaulted him (I’ve never even touched him in anger).
I have cried and cried to my husband to please stick up for me, but he tells me they are his kids and he won’t choose between me and them. I’m not asking him to disown his children. I’m asking him to kick him out because of how he is treating me. My husband has been the love of my life since we were teenagers and I don’t want to lose him. I feel alone, broken, and, at times, believe that maybe even dying would be better.
I can’t stick up for myself because then my husband views me as the bad guy for saying anything. Yet, my husband won’t kick him out and continues to let his son treat me this way. He just tells me that I have to get help because I have problems.
Answer
It’s a tragedy that your husband has allowed himself to get caught in a loyalty split between his son and his wife. Your stepson is a grown man who is terrorizing you in your own home and needs to be stopped. Since your husband isn’t willing to protect you from his abusive son, you have to protect yourself. The abusive behavior has escalated to the point where your own safety is in great jeopardy.
I recommend you immediately contact a women’s crisis shelter in your area and begin getting help. They will help you sort through your legal options and provide immediate mental health counseling to help you stabilize. You may not see yourself as a victim of domestic violence, but this is exactly what’s happening to you. It’s not wise for you to stay in this environment, so please get the support you need so you can get to safety.
I recognize this is far from what you ever imagined could happen in your own home. You have cried tears of desperation to your husband to change this situation, but he’s made his choice. He may not feel he’s choosing sides, but when abusive behavior is allowed to continue, inaction is always a choice favoring the abuser.
This might sound strange to you, but your husband is just as guilty as abuse as your stepson. He’s communicating loud and clear that domestic violence directed at his wife is acceptable. It’s time to decide how you will act to protect yourself from this abuse from both men.
Even though he may not be physically assaulting you, living in constant fear of what he might do drains your limited physical strength. Also, the name calling, stealing, and other aggressive actions are all destructive to your mental and physical health.
Please don’t believe that your only option out of this abuse is to take your own life. You have plenty of other options. I imagine you question the value of your life since the man who committed to protect you has abandoned his responsibility. His inaction on your behalf isn’t a reflection of your worth and value. As already mentioned above, please visit a women’s crisis center in your area and tell them what you’re experiencing. They will help you begin to make healthy decisions about your situation.
You are outnumbered in your home by two men who aren’t willing to protect and care for you. I know this is a devastating reality to face, as you’ve had a long history with your husband. He might be a wonderful man in many ways, but he’s currently failing you in a serious way. Your safety and life matter, but he’s not willing to create a safe and stable home environment for you.
Please take your own safety seriously and get the help you need. You don’t need to tell your husband that you’re going to get help, as he may talk you out of it. And, you may decide you need to stay in the crisis shelter or a different safe location until your husband is willing to see the reality of this situation. Please don’t want for someone else to protect you any longer. You can protect yourself now.
Geoff will answer a new family and relationship question every Friday. You can email your question to him at ge***@lo************.com
About the Author
Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in St. George, UT. He is the owner of Alliant Counseling and Education (www.alliantcounseling.com) and the founding director of LifeStar of St. George, an outpatient treatment program for couples and individuals impacted by pornography and sexual addiction (www.lifestarstgeorge.com). He is the co-author of “Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity”, available at Deseret Book, and the audio series “Strengthening Recovery Through Strengthening Marriage”, available at www.geoffsteurer.com. He also writes a weekly relationship column for the St. George News (www.stgnews.com). He holds a bachelors degree from BYU in communications studies and a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy from Auburn University. He served a full-time mission to the Dominican Republic. He is married to Jody Young Steurer and they are the parents of four children.
If you or a loved one are struggling with the devastating impact of pornography issues, sexual betrayal, and relationship trauma, I have created a 6-part audio program to help married couples strengthen their recoveries. You can purchase the 6-hour audio program here for a limited time at the reduced price of $29 – https://geoff-steurer.mykajabi.com/marriage-recovery
You can connect with him at:
Website: www.lovingmarriage.com
Twitter: @geoffsteurer
Facebook: www.facebook.com/GeoffSteurerMFT
AnnMay 10, 2019
Some facts verses fiction: When your husband says that they are his kids and “he won’t choose between me and them,” he is choosing absolutely choosing them. Parents “owe” adult children nothing. Any individual who will not stand up to the poor behavior towards another person is part of the problem. They share the guilt of poor behavior. When your step-son says that “this isn’t my home because I’m just married to his dad,” he needs to go back to law school. A spouse has much more claim against her husband than any adult child has against their father. And no spouse should choose adult children over their spouse… When you say this man “has been the love of your life since you were teenagers,” you are living an adolescent fantasy. This is not mature thinking. It is the fallacy of high school proms and first kisses. You need to take a very careful look at your husband’s lack of protection and seriously ask yourself if anyone is the love of this man’s life. Please get more counseling than available in this column. You need to be preparing your exit strategy and get yourself where you can be physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually safe.
MikeApril 2, 2019
This is solid advice and I hope you realize deep inside of you that you need to follow it. I have but one thing to add. If a dog is beaten and abused enough, it won't dare run out of the kennel and escape even if the gate is left wide open all day long. This is because the dog does not believe that anyone will treat it any better. Even if there are several other people living nearby who would love to have a dog and treat it right. Better in the dog's mind to just hunker down and hope for the best. I have been like that dog in the kennel when I was too afraid to leave an abusive situation. But you have to know that once you start the ball rolling, people will rally around you more than you expect.Your self-esteem will rebound and it will be like the sun shines brighter than it does now. Your ability and strength to deal with your serious problems will increase. Take that first simple step.