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QuestionÂ
I am in the process of getting a divorce from my spouse. We both married young and have a young child. We both want this divorce and I was the one to file. However, I met this co-worker of mine and we started hanging out and went on a few dates. The relationship feels right, but Iâm questioning if this is acceptable, especially as Iâm ending one relationship and starting a new one in just a few short months. I feel stuck trying to figure out what I really want in life now as I am finding new standards, but a part of me is afraid of being left alone.
Answer
Leaving a relationship is a really vulnerable time, and it doesnât surprise me that youâve already over-connected to a new relationship before finishing your divorce. I always try and slow people down when theyâre leaving a relationship, but most people are in so much pain that they end up seeking comfort from others before they intend to.
I believe itâs a betrayal to your marriage to date before youâre divorced. Even if the divorce is in process, I believe you remain faithful until the end. Once youâre officially divorced, then you can assess your next move. Youâre not only betraying your husband by dating while married, youâre also betraying yourself and your future marriage. You donât want to start out a new relationship based on deception.
I think the biggest reason people jump into new relationships so quickly is due to the deep loss and pain of divorce. In other words, the thrill of new love is a powerful painkiller that numbs the pain of losing a marriage. Even if you believe that getting divorced is the best option, there is still grief and loss over losing the dream of a stable long-term marriage.
Look closely and see if youâre using this new relationship as an escape for the relationship pain youâre experiencing with the loss of your first marriage. This takes honesty and courage to admit how youâre mismanaging your pain.
Another risk of moving too quickly toward a new relationship is that it prevents you from learning important lessons from your first relationship. Itâs easy to blame your partner and believe that the marriage failed due to his dysfunction. This is a good time to explore any blind spots you may have that led to the downfall of your union. This is hard work and often requires collaboration with a dear friend who can tell you the truth. It also helps to find a counselor who can ask questions and help you explore your relationship patterns.
You obviously want to do things differently, so make sure that you donât jump into this new relationship and consider it the final solution to your problems. This is an important time to first figure out what went wrong and then identify what kind of partner you want and what kind of partner you would like to become. This is virtually impossible when youâve already committed to another person physically, relationally, and emotionally.
Give yourself the gift of insight by really clarifying how you want things to be different this next time around. If youâre in a new relationship so suddenly, how are you supposed to know what kind of husband you want? Whatever happened to dating around and having time in between dates to think and process? Having a comparison can really help you dial in the things you need from a marriage and what you have to offer.
At a minimum, I recommend you do some reading and pick up a copy of âHow to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerkâ by Dr. John Van Epp. This will give you a framework for slowing down this new relationship and exploring your vulnerabilities and blind spots that could leave you in the same situation in which you find yourself.
Divorce is traumatic and there are many things to learn in the aftermath of losing such a significant relationship. Be careful that you donât numb out your pain with the exhilaration of new love and forget to ask hard questions of yourself and your marriage. Use this time to explore personal weaknesses and beliefs. This is an important time and you donât want to fill it with avoidance and numbing. Just because it feels good doesnât mean itâs right. Lots of wrong things feel right because they activate the pleasure centers of our brain and can become counterfeits to peace. New love and infatuation are powerful mood-altering experiences and can compromise our ability to think clearly about our reality.
It wonât hurt to do this work even if youâre not ready to give up this new relationship. It will just take tremendous courage and honesty to ask for the room from your new boyfriend while you try and understand what youâve been through and what you want. He may or may not make the final cut, but at least youâll be that much more certain the next time around.
Geoff will answer a new family and relationship question every Friday. You can email your question to him at [email protected]
About the Author
Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in St. George, UT. He is the owner of Alliant Counseling and Education (www.alliantcounseling.com) and the founding director of LifeStar of St. George, an outpatient treatment program for couples and individuals impacted by pornography and sexual addiction (www.lifestarstgeorge.com). He is the co-author of âLove You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelityâ, available at Deseret Book, and the audio series âStrengthening Recovery Through Strengthening Marriageâ, available at www.marriage-recovery.com. He also writes a weekly relationship column for the St. George News (www.stgnews.com). He holds a bachelors degree from BYU in communications studies and a masterâs degree in marriage and family therapy from Auburn University. He served a full-time mission to the Dominican Republic and currently serves as the primary chorister. He is married to Jody Young Steurer and they are the parents of four children.
You can connect with him at:
Website: www.lovingmarriage.com
Twitter: @geoffsteurer
Facebook: www.facebook.com/GeoffSteurerMFT
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Lesson LearnedJanuary 22, 2016
My wise Bishop told me to wait at least a year to get involved with someone enough to marry, dating seriously before that puts you in the position of marrying into the same type of person your first spouse was, I found that to be true. I started dating and realized my Bishop was right and had to end a dating relationship as well. I great article that helped me In the 1982 Ensign was. Breaking Up without Going to Pieces: When Dating Doesnât End in Marriage, By M. Gawain Wells It gave steps to make sure the things that went wrong in a relationship are not repeated in the next one. I looked at seven years of marriage as the dating part and took some great advice. I have now been married 33 years because I was willing to evaluate without just jumping right back into the fray.
Jesse BrownJanuary 21, 2016
Would the same basic advice apply to someone whose spouse recently passed away?