Let’s take a little trip to the early years of my 38-year marriage to St. Bob (as he’s known on my blog). He gets Saint status because, well, he puts up with me. And I’ll admit it: One day we were having—let’s call it a heated discussion.

At the end of the dispute, we each pledged to make changes. And here’s another reason Bob’s a saint: He actually makes them. I would usually say I’ll change, and then rethink things and decide to stay how I am.

There you have it. An admission of one of my many flaws. If you’ve ever caught yourself promising not to do something again—or promising to start doing something—and then forgetting all about it, you are my people.

It wasn’t all the time. Just, y’know, most of the time

Okay, and now the good news: I changed. Three words did it. One time Bob looked at me and said, “Turn it around. What if I did what you’re doing?”

It was one of those “Aha” moments when I actually saw things from his point of view.  And I’ve used it countless times since then.  As soon as I think he’s wrong about something, I think to myself, “Turn it around.”  And I have a completely different perspective. He no longer seems unreasonable, but understandable. And I suddenly see my own actions as, um, needing improvement.

Let’s say one of you pays the bills, and the other one overspends. Swap jobs one month and wow, what an eye-opener. Suddenly both people have an understanding of the frustration of not having enough money to pay the bills, and a realization of the difference between wants and needs.

Is one of you doing all the parenting? Switch it up. Nobody likes being the meanie while the other one waltzes in for playtime. Talk together about discipline methods, rules, rewards, and any other decisions that should be made as a couple, rather than unilaterally. My guess is that you’ll gain a huge understanding of the other person’s side of things.

Let’s say your husband is a bit flirty. He denies it and insists he’s merely friendly.  But “turn it around.” Would he want his wife to act this way with other guys?  Suddenly he sees his actions through a new lens, and might realize he’s crossing a line. Maybe he’ll even see how much he craves approval, and get into counseling to solve it.

This “turn it around” technique works with so many differences of opinion. I know a couple where the wife made her mom’s Eggplant Parmesan every week. Her husband despised Tuesdays, because despite his dislike of eggplant, it kept showing up. And then she had a hospitalization that required bed rest. Voile!  Suddenly he was the head chef and made his famous tuna burgers for her (at least his roommates in college had said they were great). She could hardly eat one bite, it was so over-seasoned and greasy. Now she realized how he felt every week when she made eggplant.

No two couples match in every regard. One follows through better, one is more punctual, one is the harder worker, one keeps a tidier bathroom, one is more forgiving, one likes socializing more than the other, etc. So, when a difference pops up, don’t just decide they’re wrong and need to change. Try seeing it from the other person’s perspective.

“Turn it around” also works with children. Seeing things from their perspective is a huge eye-opener. Asking a child to spend hours on a chore is something a grownup could handle, but not a little kid. Maybe break it into sections. Maybe see if there’s another way to do it, to make it fun. How would Iron Man do this?

At work, see if you can imagine things from your supervisor’s position. Or from the perspective of a co-worker. Or from an employee, if you’re the boss. We get so used to our own opinions and attitudes that we forget they may not be the absolute final word on excellence. Maybe other ways of doing things are just a good, simply different.

Would any two people organize a kitchen exactly the same way?  Probably not. But both methods might work just fine. We all have “favorite” and “least favorites” tasks when cleaning. Someone else might start a different way, and that’s okay.

I have to address another thing: People are getting married later and later in life these days. This means there’s greater opportunity to get set in your ways and decide this is how you make the bed and this is how you fold a sweater and this is how you park a car. Be on the lookout for rigidity in habits, and be flexible. Find a new way we can do things, instead of the way you have always done things.

Elder James E. Faust has spoken of ego and pride being “enemies to the full enjoyment of the Spirit of God and walking humbly before him. The ego interferes with husbands and wives asking each other for forgiveness. It prevents the enjoyment of the full sweetness of a higher love. The ego often prevents parents and children from fully understanding each other. The ego enlarges our feelings of self-importance and worth. It blinds us to reality. Pride keeps us from confessing our sins and shortcomings to the Lord and working out our repentance.” And both those traits can also block us from turning it around, to see the other person’s view.

You are not just preparing for heaven. By giving in more often, by thinking how it feels to the other person, you are creating heaven right in your marriage. President Ezra Taft Benson once said, “The secret of a happy marriage is to serve God and each other. The goal of marriage is unity and oneness, as well as self-development. Paradoxically, the more we serve one another, the greater is our spiritual and emotional growth.”

When you make a change because you can see it from the other person’s perspective, you‘ll find you’re surprised at how easy it was. And the reward of a delighted spouse who feels seen and understood—priceless.

Joni Hilton is a LDS author, Seminary teacher, and shares life hacks at https://m.youtube.com/c/jonihilton . Her novel, Golden, is now an Amazon audiobook.