When I was in my twenties, I attended a waterski show at Cypress Gardens in Winter Haven, Florida.  One of the women in the show was 40 years old and she skied like a teenager.  She cut so low her shoulder touched the water, and the spray created a beautiful wave as tall as a cypress tree.  I was so impressed that a woman of “advanced age” could perform at such a high level that I wanted to write a story about her.  I queried the editors of several magazines that I wrote for at the time to see if I could write a feature on this woman.  No one took a bite.  Not a single editor thought that a 40-year-old woman who could still slalom was newsworthy.

When I turned 40 myself, I was water-skiing right along with my kids.  I couldn’t lay my shoulder on the water like the girl at Cypress Gardens, but I could put up a pretty good spray.   Only then did I understood why my editors had thought a 40-year-old who could slalom was no big deal and not worthy of a feature story in a magazine.  I was completely clueless about what it was like to be 40-years-old.  I had been guilty of ageism.  Although though my impression of a 40-year-old was positive, not negative, I had let stereotyping and prejudice color my impression of the water-skiier.

This memory has given me a lot of compassion for younger people who tend to jump to conclusions about older generations.  Younger people may have no idea what it’s like to age.  The lack of awareness about the nature of an older person can lead to stereotyping and prejudice just like a lack of awareness about the nature of a person from a different race can lead to stereotyping and prejudice.

Ageism is a form of prejudice similar to racial prejudice and can cause divides between generations just like prejudice can cause divides between races.  The solution is similar to the solution for ending racial prejudice.  We must get to know those who are different than we are.  The better we understand those who are older than we are, the more compassion we will have, the less we will jump to conclusions, and the greater will be our unity.  The following suggestions can help create harmony between generations.

One of these Things is Not Like the Other

First, remember that all “old people” are not alike.  A stereotype is the expectation that everybody in a certain group is alike.  People may stereotype members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and clearly not all members are alike.  Not all retirees play pickleball.  Not all retirees want to travel.  Not all retirees have an infinite amount of time on their hands.

We should never assume that just because someone is older they don’t have the energy or the stamina to be included in the activities of younger generations.  It’s vital that we get to know each person as an individual and learn what they are really like.  The best way to know someone is to ask questions rather than make assumptions.

My husband and I hiked to Everest Base Camp when we were in our 50’s.  We signed up for the adventure thinking we would be the oldest people on the climb.  However, we met a couple in their 70’s on our adventure that did all kinds of high-altitude climbing, and they were seldom the last persons to reach camp at the end of each day.

There is a stereotype that older people eat dinner early and go to bed early.  If our family had bought into that stereotype, we would have missed out on some of the most hilarious late-night card games we have ever enjoyed.  Grandma Smith passed away several years ago, but we still talk about funny things she said and did while we were up late playing cards.

One of my friends recently retired and moved away.  She is harder to pin down than my friends who still work full-time.  If I want to talk to her, I have to schedule a time days in advance.  She takes her support dog to visit Veterans’ hospitals, she volunteers at a local aquarium caring for plants, and she sings in a traveling choir.  She is anything but idle.

Marriage and Family Therapist, Rachel Haack, says that 29% of grandparents are estranged from their grandchildren.  I believe that that disconnect likely comes from misunderstanding.

You Don’t Know What You Don’t Know

Second, remember that someone who is older than you might be a resource.  As a young person I heard Elder Holland say, “I have been where you are, but you have not been where I am.”  That realization struck me like lightning.  People who have “been around the block” might have something to teach me.  I should never be so proud of my youth that I don’t recognize there is a lot I don’t know.

Chatgpt and YouTube and similar programs may have contributed to the divide between generations.  In the old days if you wanted a recipe for Company Casserole, you had to call Mom or Grandma for the recipe.  Our recipe boxes were filled with recipes written in the handwriting of our loved ones.  Families prepared the same recipes for family events, and the dish became tradition.  Today nobody needs to call someone who has “been around the cooking block” for a recipe.  We just go online, and we can find a dozen versions of whatever we are trying to make.

The same divide occurs when trying to change oil in the car, replace an electrical outlet, repair a leaky faucet, hang drapes, thread a sewing machine, troubleshoot a stuck garage door, learn to knit.  Everything we used to learn from previous generations can now be found on a YouTube Video.  The value we may have placed on an older generation is diminished when we no longer consider them a resource.

Even if we can find an answer online it might be nice to discover how our parents or grandparents did something.  We don’t have to do it the same way, but we will get to know them better just by asking the question.

Part of the Problem

Third, be careful what you feed the beast.  We may inadvertently promote prejudice towards the elderly in our own extreme efforts to avoid looking older.  The incredible popularity of Botox, fillers and face lifts testifies to a person’s fear of appearing old.  Instead of going to such great lengths to try to change our appearance, accepting the God-given aging process could possibly motivate us to appreciate one another just the way we are.

One of my friends learned that hiding her wrinkles caused unexpected consequences.  Because she had had so many treatments to her face people constantly thought she was younger than she really was.  This meant they expected her to keep up physically, just as a younger person would.  They were miffed when she didn’t walk as fast, or words didn’t come as quickly as they would come to a younger person.  The appearance of her face was incongruous with the normal, natural abilities of her age.

Ageism is as disappointing as any other “ism”: classism, racism, sexism.  All it really does is cause schism between people who could find tremendous joy if they sought to appreciate one another.

JeaNette Goates Smith is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and the author of four books on family relationships.  More information can be found at www.smithfamilytherapy.org.