Line upon Line

In the information age, we are surrounded by tools that provide the opportunity to bring us closer together. When I was a missionary in Australia approximately four decades ago, the cost of international phone calls prevented regular voice calls to my family. Almost all my communication with my loved ones back home was through letters that took a week to get to them and another week before I could receive a response.

Missionaries today can have a weekly face-to-face conversation with their parents and siblings by video chat. These tools are surely a great blessing for missionaries and the rest of us who have loved ones living long-distances away. My little granddaughters live an hour’s drive away, and I cannot make that drive on a consistent basis. But I can talk with them every couple of days by video chat. It isn’t the same as holding them on my lap, and I relish the opportunities I have to see them in person. But I cherish the opportunity to talk with them every few days through video chat.

Today’s high-speed internet, social media, and dating apps theoretically provide an infinite number of ways to meet real potential dating partners. Yet, studies suggest a heartbreaking paradox: as our digital connectivity increases, our real human connections are plummeting.

Sociological research—most notably tracked by the General Social Survey (GSS) and documented in Kate Julian’s landmark piece for The Atlantic—reveals that we are in a “Great Sex Recession.” Americans are having substantially less sex than they did thirty years ago, and this trend is not limited to the young. Data from the GSS confirms that the frequency of physical intimacy among all adults has dropped nearly 10% in the last two decades, while the percentage of young adults (ages 18–29) reporting no sexual activity in the past year has reached nearly one-quarter of the demographic.

To be clear, pointing out this decline is not an endorsement of non-marital sex. Rather, it is an observation of a profound cultural shift toward physical isolation. The decline in intimacy is not a victory for chastity. It is a retreat into the safety of the solitary self. More people are working isolated at home and are not engaging in water cooler talk. People are meeting their social needs through the computer screen or smartphone rather than getting together for dinner or to watch a ball game.

Julian’s article observes that the decline in sexual activity is even more pronounced for married people than for singles. The fact that so many are opting for internet pornography rather than experiences with real human beings—even their own spouses—illustrates a broader epidemic. Many people are choosing to engage in a fantasy life because it is easier and less emotionally risky than building a relationship with a real person. A screen is a safe alternative to the social risk of attempting to create a romantic relationship. A digital fantasy will never turn you down or reject you. As a result, many are opting for the hollow safety of a smartphone because they fear the vulnerability required to reach for real love.

The Problem with the “Perfect” Robot

Theoretically, one could design a human-like robot that would obey every command and mimic human behavior in a way that might be hard to distinguish from a real person. (In the future, such robots will be more than theory.) Such a companion might be easier to live with than a flesh and blood human because there is no resistance to your will. A robot doesn’t complain about being asked to do a sink full of dishes at 11:00 p.m. A robot is never too tired to make love or complains it is not in the mood. A robot would not refuse a conversation when you are sad because it needed to be up for work the next day. A robot would not complain that is not his or her turn to take out the garbage. A robot would simply do what you ask.

But as we learn in the Doctrine and Covenants, there is a fundamental flaw in that design:

“All truth is independent in that sphere in which God has placed it, to act for itself, as all intelligence also; otherwise there is no existence” (Doctrine & Covenants 93:30).

A robot has no agency. It does not “act for itself” and, therefore, it has no real existence as a conscious being. A robot can never be your equal. The robot that was programmed to be a companion and lover didn’t choose you. The robot was simply programmed to do your will. Part of the divine beauty of being loved is the knowledge that you have been chosen by an independent and intelligent being who could have chosen to walk away but chose to stay with you. When we settle for digital substitutes, we are essentially choosing a robot—a controlled and programmed environment where we never have to face the otherness of a real human soul.

The Complexity of a Human Being

The tragedy of the digital substitute is that it robs us of the growth and richness that comes from interacting with a complex human being. A real person comes with his or her own will, his or her own hopes and dreams, and his or her own desires. A real human also comes with his or her own trauma from past events, heartbreaks, and losses; his or her own unique perspective.

It is much easier to interact with a digital fragment that only shows us what we want to see and never questions our thoughts or behaviors. We cannot truly love a fragment. Love requires us to see the whole person—including the messy parts—and to be seen by our loved one in return. When we avoid the complex human in favor of the simple fantasy, we choose a robotic existence. And we will have ever more sophisticated and convincing options as technology continues to develop.

Breaking the “Peer Bubble”

The digital world also allows us to commit a form of relational iniquity by “filtering” our lives. We can choose to only associate with people who are our exact peers—same age, same background, same opinions. In doing so, we ignore the wisdom of the Apostle Paul’s metaphor of the body:

“And the eye cannot say unto the hand, I have no need of thee: nor again the head to the feet, I have no need of you” (1 Corinthians 12:21).

When I was dating, I made it a point to date women from many different backgrounds with diverse interests, gifts, and opinions, and try them on for size to see if they fit. I found this incredibly enriching. When we only interact with our digital mirrors, we stop growing. We need the hand and the foot and the eye—the people who are different from us—to function as a complete human family.

The Savior’s Open Table

Throughout His ministry, Jesus used the common table to perform the radical act of humanization. He didn’t just teach from a distance; He broke bread to create authentic bonds where society had created barriers.

When He called Matthew the tax collector, He immediately sat down to a feast with “publicans [meaning tax collectors] and sinners” (Matthew 9:10-13). By sharing a meal with the outcasts, Jesus was ignoring the peer bubbles of His day and seeing the worth of the individual soul. When He fed five thousand people, Jesus commanded them to sit down in groups on the grass (Mark 6:39-40), turning a fragmented multitude into a community through the shared experience of eating together.

Even after His resurrection, Jesus used food to gather His loved ones and heal their hearts. On the shore of Galilee, He built a charcoal fire and cooked breakfast for His tired, discouraged Apostles (John 21:9-12). Think of that. The Man-God who had just saved all mankind, to whom all power was given in Heaven and in Earth (Matthew 28:18), was found cooking breakfast for his friends. It was only after they sat together in the warmth of that fire and shared “fish and bread” that Jesus invited Peter into a vulnerable conversation about love and restoration. Jesus knew the dinner table was a great place for the guard to drop and the soul to be fed.

Beyond the “Dopamine High”

Technology is a wonderful bridge, but a terrible destination. It can help you find a match. But you must eventually move that relationship from the realm of fantasy into reality. This requires sitting down at the table of fellowship, breaking bread, and talking vulnerably about life, sharing a hug at least when greeting each other and saying goodbye, and more fully experiencing each other in a way you simply cannot in a “virtual” atmosphere.

Connecting with a potential companion will not happen while hiding behind a computer or phone screen. Vulnerability is the way we create connection, which requires being in the physical presence of the other person discussing the deeper things of life, laughing, sometimes crying, and otherwise being yourselves and allowing yourselves to be known.

It is also vital to date in person long enough for the guard to drop. In the digital sphere, it is easy to maintain a curated persona. You must interact in real-world settings long enough for the “dopamine high” of a new connection to level off. Life-affecting decisions should never be made while under the chemical fog of infatuation. Life-affecting commitments should be made when you have seen the “total person” as much as possible in the light of day.

The Emmaus Experience

The Savior warned that in the last days, “because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold” (Matthew 24:12). Love “waxes cold” when we retreat into our screens for a self-indulgent experience to avoid the warmth of real-world vulnerability.

The antidote for love growing cold is found in the account of the disciples on the road to Emmaus. They walked with Jesus “by the way,” listening to Him and sharing their hearts. But the climax of their journey happened at the dinner table:

“And it came to pass, as he sat at meat with them, he took bread, and blessed it, and brake, and gave to them. And their eyes were opened, and they knew him… And they said one to another, Did not our heart burn within us[?]” (Luke 24:30-32).

Your “eyes will be opened” to the truth of another person’s heart, not through a text message, but through the shared experience of the journey and the breaking of bread together. Texting, video chat dates, and phone calls are all valuable tools to keep in touch with loved ones when you are apart. But experiencing each other’s physical presence remains an indispensable part of connecting that virtual communication cannot truly replace.

As the great Apostle John wrote 2,000 years ago, “Having many things to write unto you, I would not write with paper and ink: but I trust to come unto you, and speak face to face, that our joy may be full” (2 John 1:12). Your joy can never be full interacting only through long-distance communication. When there is a lot to say, your personal presence together is far more powerful than a text.

While a human-like robot will never reject you, refuse to do your bidding, or forget the things on your grocery shopping list, a robot cannot love you, cannot freely choose you, and cannot give you its heart. A robot will never sit by your hospital bed praying desperately for your recovery. A robot will never lay awake at night sincerely worried about you when you lose a relative to death or a job to downsizing. A robot cannot cry because you hurt its feelings or feels lonely—a part of a relationship we are intended to experience to heighten our sensitivity and teach us more about the depth of our love for a real partner. A robot will never think to put food in front of you for three days after a great loss because you don’t think about eating and food seems unappealing—something Cathy did for me the first few days after the loss of my son.

For all our shortcomings, we human beings are designed to love and be loved, to choose and be chosen, and to support, care for, and live together with each other. In marriage, we are meant to deal with frustrations and get to know each other deeply as we work on seemingly impossible problems together. We are meant to laugh together and cry together. We are meant to know each other’s secrets. We are meant to know which secret buttons could be pushed to hurt our spouses—so we can avoid them, not push them.

In marriage we are meant to comfort each other, to gently touch and make love to each other. You are meant to love a real, warm, flawed, living, breathing human being who you have chosen above all others and who has chosen you—the supreme gift that any mere mortal can give to another. I implore you not to substitute cold and solitary fantasies for the real, vulnerable, sometimes frustrating but ultimately beautiful essence of an authentic human relationship.

Use your devices to expand your connections and find your companion. Use them to check in and maintain contact with those who are important to us—not to isolate from loved ones or avoid the vulnerability of a real human experience of loving and being loved.

Don’t settle for the cold comfort of a screen. Have the courage to sit down and break bread, be seen, and interact with real people. It is only in the vulnerability of physical presence that our hearts can truly burn with the warmth of divine love.

Resource:

Intentional Courtship can help in this journey.

About the Author

Jeff Teichert, and his wife Cathy Butler Teichert, are the founders of “Love in Later Years,” which ministers to Latter-day Saint single adults seeking peace, healing, and more joyful relationships. They are co-authors of the Amazon bestseller Intentional Courtship: A Mid-Singles Guide to Peace, Progress and Pairing Up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Jeff and Cathy each spent nearly a decade in the mid-singles community and they use that experience to provide counsel and hope to mid-singles and later married couples through written articles, podcasts, and videos. Jeff and Cathy are both Advanced Certified Life Coaches and have university degrees in Family & Human Development. They are the parents of a blended family that includes four handsome sons, one lovely daughter-in-law, and two sweet little granddaughters.

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