I have a friend who is harboring more than a grudge—she has allowed her resentment to grow into active hatred and occasionally plots her revenge against someone she feels ruined her life.

The details of the offense aren’t as important as the details of her reaction. She says she’s tried to forgive, but cannot imagine feeling any amount of love for the guilty party.

I get this. I think we’ve all endured crushing hurt, betrayals, and grossly unfair behavior. Life gives us many struggles as we try to overcome our weaknesses and develop Christlike characteristics.  And sometimes it’s extremely hard to release someone from their debt to us. We want them to pay. We want them to know the agony we’ve known, to cry and anguish as we have.

But that isn’t God’s way, and we know it. We are told, “Of you it is required to forgive all men.” (D&C: 64:10)   This doesn’t mean we condone sin. Nor does it mean we must tolerate abuse. We know it’s wise to set boundaries to prevent further injury. However, we also know it damages us to hang on to resentment, to stew and to plot, to re-live and to ruminate.

We need to remember that we aren’t forgiving for their benefit, but for our own. When we forgive we are cleansed and lifted up. We know we’ll be free and will feel peace and joy when we can finally forgive, when we no longer wish them harm. But it’s so hard, right? If you’ve been struggling to forgive, or you know someone else who has, here’s something to try.

First, write a letter to that person (or to yourself, if you’re the one you can’t forgive). Pour out all the hurt, the anger, the misery you’ve endured. Say everything you’ve harbored, describe the bitter consequences of what that person did. If you tend to stack up offenses, list each one.

Now take a deep breath and see how you feel. Be honest. Yes, you may feel that everything you’ve written is correct.  But how are you feeling emotionally? Do you feel things are now resolved? Do you feel motivated to go forward away from the stain, or do you keep looking back at it?  Do you feel relaxed or wound up?  At peace or in turmoil?

Now set that letter aside and write a letter of love for that person. I’m not saying this is easy, but try to see them through God’s eyes. Imagine what they were like before they, themselves, were damaged. Do they elicit pity? Do you feel a rush of gratitude that you have not behaved as they have? Look for the good in them, express a desire that they will fulfill their potential, and grow into the wonderful human being they are meant to be. We can literally repent of anything and count on God to forgive us. Pray as you write, and ask God to guide your heart and your words. Concede any wrongdoing, if any, on your part. You might even beg forgiveness for holding them in contempt for so long. Release them from your prison, send them on with charity and full forgiveness.

Now take a deep breath and see how you feel. Tears may flow as you realize a level of peace you haven’t known in years. As contention subsides, you might feel a flood of warmth as the Holy Ghost draws close again. You have defeated Satan, who wants you to continue in hatred, and lose the companionship of the Holy Ghost. Instead, you have sanctified your own thoughts and hopes. You have found holiness.

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf has said, “Heaven is filled with those who have this in common: They are forgiven and they forgive.”  Truly, we must learn to forgive if we expect our Heavenly Father to forgive our sins as well.

Notice the striking difference between how you feel now, and how you felt after writing the first letter. Which letter is the one Christ would most approve of?  Which letter would you like a loved one to come across one day, and perhaps read at your funeral?  Which letter feels most inspired?

Neither of these letters is for sending. In fact, you should tear up or delete them; they are just an exercise to teach a truth, that the more we vent our anger, the larger our fury grows. And the more we see one another as God’s children, the calmer we feel.

Imagine, for a moment, that a friend has come to you with a similar grievance. What would you advise them to do?  Would you direct them to anger, or to peace?  What would actually be best for them?  Sometimes we can’t see solutions to our problems because we’re so emotionally invested. But imagining the scenario as someone else’s can often give us a fresh perspective.

This same technique can work with children, too, as they grapple with the hurts and injustices of growing up.  It teaches them how to process the experiences of life, and how to choose the healthier path.

President Gordon B. Hinckley has said, “A spirit of forgiveness and an attitude of love and compassion toward those who have wronged us is of the very essence of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Each of us has need of this spirit. The whole world has need of it. The Lord taught it. He exemplified it as none other has exemplified it.”

Indeed, the Savior’s final words on the cross were asking God to forgive his crucifiers. All stand in awe of His majesty and love, even for the wickedest of sinners. Surely we can lean upon this perfect Elder Brother, to strengthen us in our own battles to find a forgiving soul within.

Hilton teaches Seminary. She is also an award-winning playwright and the author of many best-selling Latter-day Saint books. Those, her humor blog, and YouTube Mom videos can be found on her website.