Line upon Line

We have recently studied the sad story of Lot’s wife, who perished because of her nostalgia for the wealth and pleasures of Sodom (Genesis 19:26). The Lord had warned them to flee to the mountains, lest they be consumed by brimstone and fire.

And Lot obeyed, but his wife looked back. In Hebrew, “looked back” comes from “nabat,” which means her look was more than just a fleeting glance.  She looked back with great yearning.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said that “a more theological way to talk about Lot’s wife is to say that she did not have faith. She doubted the Lord’s ability to give her something better than she already had. Apparently, she thought—fatally, as it turned out—that nothing that lay ahead could possibly be as good as those moments she was leaving behind.”

Many of us read this story and think how foolish she was, sure that we would have marched obediently into the plains with Lot. We often judge ancient people harshly because we feel more enlightened, wiser from living on this side of their history.

We also assume that we are much more able to control our minds. After all, Sodom and Gomorrah were clearly as wicked as you can get. Not for one minute would we have longed to go back to that revolting world.

And yet… and yet… we are tempted by luxuries, status symbols, and prestige. We watch entertainment that depicts things we know are wrong “but there are no bad words.” We celebrate people for ridiculous reasons: fame, power, wealth, beauty, connections. We justify “keeping one toe in Babylon.”

But there are other damaging ways we “look back,” as well:

Many feel they cannot stop thinking about “the one that got away.” It’s even a common phrase. I know people who still reminisce about an old flame, who look them up online, who obsess with what could have been. Now married to someone with flaws they didn’t spot in the previous person, they sigh and wish things could have turned out differently. Trapped in a fantasy, they have traded the joy and growth that could have come from full commitment to their current spouse, thus cheating both of them of the true happiness which could flower with undivided devotion.

When problems arise, some of us sink into sad reflection of how things might have gone “if only we hadn’t moved,” “if only my spouse hadn’t lost that job,” if only, if only, other choices and decisions had been made. Such people are absolutely sure things would have gone better, assuming no further trials would have arisen. They harbor blame and resentment for the way things have actually panned out.

I once visited a woman in an apartment, whose only topic of conversation was the big house they used to have years ago, the gorgeous furnishings, the cars, the trips, etc. She resented her husband and couldn’t forgive, leaving her in a knot of despair. She wouldn’t turn to the Lord for direction, and look for fresh ways to serve, to enjoy her new life, to live again. I’m not saying it’s easy, but it’s essential if we’re to live with purpose and contentment.

And, speaking of forgiveness, this is one area where many of us cling to ancient hurts for decades, as if longevity will validate our stubbornness. By not letting go of past grievances, we poison our present and our future. We are unable to truly love others as the Lord has told us to, because “well, there’s that one awful person.” We replay their sins in high-def color images, even imagining how we might have put them in their place at the time, or gotten even somehow. We re-live and re-live the offense as if we’re proving how unforgivable it was by how long we can remember it.

This is exactly what Satan wants us to do: Look back, ruminate during the night, share your sad story on the gossip wires, feel superior. Not one of these choices brings spiritual growth—just the opposite: It shrinks our progress. We become mean-spirited, whiney people forever stunted not as much by the event, but by our refusal to relinquish it.

We look back with rose-colored glasses, seeing an incorrect version of our past, then comparing it with our present. A friend of mine says she only knows of only one perfect person to walk the earth besides Christ, and that is her husband’s mother. He is constantly praising his mother’s cooking, sewing, parenting, clever ideas, on and on—with the obvious implication that his wife is falling far short of that ideal.

Sometimes we do this with our hometowns, our previous wards, our past experiences, bygone eras when “things were better.” We allow our selective memory to forget flaws and exaggerate the pluses. This comparison hurts others, and also keeps us from finding contentment today, constantly critical of how things are. We lose a zest for life, and a delight in discovery.

So, what can we do?

First, take inventory of how much media impacts your life. See how much time you spend on your cell phone, or in front of the TV. What content are you exposed to? Is it making you compare your life unfavorably to others’?  Comparison is a huge tool of Satan’s. Have you become numb to things that should rightly offend you?

We can catch ourselves when we start slipping down the rabbit hole, and make a conscious decision to switch gears. Have an activity or a scripture you can engage in that will snap you out of this backward longing.

Involve those we love to help us. They can listen and guide us as we make our way out of damaging habits.

Fast and pray about it, and enlist the Lord’s help.

Get a priesthood blessing.

Be mindful of the ways you personally need to repent, and the people you might ask for forgiveness. Just as we have been wronged, we should acknowledge that sometimes it’s us who may have hurt another.

Keep a daily gratitude journal that will not only be a record of our blessings, but will keep our brain in the “look for something good” mode.

Keep a sense of humor about life in general. There will always be setbacks; that’s mortality. We can see the funny side of most things and not let them spiral us into the despair zone.   

Catch yourself when you’re ruminating at night—instead of sleeping—and realize the adversary is working on you again. Order him out of your home and then deliberately have a prayer asking Heavenly Father to help you.

Get busy performing service. Nothing boosts our inner sense of contentment more than feeling needed by others. Fill your life with good actions and generous, kind thoughts.

Genuinely ask yourself if you could be addicted to self pity. Rather than bemoan life’s thorns and arrows, we must move upward toward God’s light. A big part of addiction recovery is to stop looking back and feeling sorry for ourselves. When we dwell on something we’ve lost, that’s victim behavior. It doesn’t empower us and it never leads to actual happiness. It only leads… to salt.

Joni Hilton is the author of dozens of best-selling LDS books. She was a script writer for Music and the Spoken Word for 30 years, and shares hundreds of life hacks as the Youtube Mom. Find them on her website at http://www.jonihilton.com/