A good friend (“Brian”), whom I have known since childhood and who is now serving as a Stake President, recently told me he and his wife were “walking side by side, hand in hand and sharing [their] lives,” but, because they think so differently, each of them is “having a totally different experience” from the other. I sensed that Brian had pondered this subject deeply over many years. I observed that, perhaps, they came together from different points of view so they could balance each other. Brian then related a story about a couple he knew that had recently divorced because they were “too much alike.” Brian observed that both led with their hearts and acted on impulse and neither thought things through very rationally.
Brian and his wife (“Jan”) have a lot in common, including children, a home, a business, the Church, and their covenants, and yet they each see life through a different lens and understand their experience in this world very differently. Brian said that he and his wife have different “paradigms.” He borrowed the word “paradigms” from Dr. Stephen R. Covey to refer to the lens through which they each see and interpret the world they live in. Brian does not readily express emotion and has a calm and methodical way of thinking through the issues and problems he is confronted with as a church leader and in his family. His inclination is usually to remain steady and calm regardless of the situation.
Jan is more passionate and emotionally expressive than Brian. She often has a long “to do” list, keeps very busy, and has a lot of fast-moving and creative energy. Brian told me that sometimes Jan mistakenly believes he doesn’t have strong feelings for her because he is far less expressive than she is. Brian assured me that he feels things deeply, but his feelings do not rule him; and he likes to deal with potentially sensitive issues or situations calmly.
I told Brian that, in my marriage, Cathy is the anchor, and I am the sail. When we were in Qatar, we had an opportunity to tour the capital city of Doha in a bus, which made several stops. We were having a delightful conversation with a young man from Saudi Arabia about the principles of Islam when our bus pulled up to the Blue Mosque—a stunningly beautiful place of prayer. We got out of the bus and began taking pictures. I very much wanted to experience the mosque from the inside. Almost without thinking, I walked briskly around the building and asked the security guard if I could go inside. He smiled and happily accommodated me. I asked the guard if I could take pictures inside, and he told me that was fine and even asked me if I would like him to take my picture. I accepted and handed him my cell phone.
I enjoyed the ornate splendor and craftsmanship of the mosque for a few minutes and even took a moment to pray for peace in the middle east. I then hurried back to bus as the last few passengers were boarding. I began excitedly telling Cathy about the inside of the mosque, when she said “Jeff, I was worried! I didn’t know where you were, and I thought the bus was going to leave without you. I didn’t know if I should stay behind and wait or get on the bus and hope you would meet me at the airport.” I apologized and told her I should have let her know what I was doing before I went looking for a peek inside the mosque.
Our tendencies over seven years of marriage have generally been toward me wandering off in search of an adventure and Cathy trying to make sure the bills get paid and things stay organized. I make more money, but it goes a lot further because Cathy is good at keeping us well-organized and on budget. When we wrote our book, Intentional Courtship, I was the creative force who came up with the idea and got us started writing. Cathy was the organizing force that made sure it got finished and published. (Of course, Cathy exercised plenty of creativity in her writing and I did plenty of organizing, particularly in recruiting editors. But the general tendencies I have described are nonetheless valid.) Using our different strengths, we produced a better outcome than either of us might have created alone. I like to think we are doing that in life, too.
My conversation with Brian reminded me that we each bring to marriage our own unique way of walking in the world, based on the way we think about it. I believe the prophet Lehi appreciated this. For example, when Lehi named a river after his son, Laman, he hoped that Laman “mightest be like unto this river, continually running into the fountain of all righteousness!” (1 Nephi 2:9). Lehi seemed to hope that Laman would bring active and forward-moving energy to his life and this forward movement could take him to “the fountain of all righteousness.” By contrast, Lehi hoped Laman would be “like unto this valley, firm and steadfast, and immovable in keeping the commandments of the Lord!” (1 Nephi 2:10). Lehi wanted Laman to be “continually running” and Lemuel to be “immovable.” While these seem to be contradictory ideas, perhaps, Lehi wanted both qualities to be expressed in his family: Laman’s zealous forward-movement, tempered by Lemuel’s fixed and steadfast temperament. Perhaps Lehi also wanted Lemuel’s steadfast temperament to be animated and motivated by Laman’s vibrant and forward-moving energy. In nature, the valley guides the river, and the river shapes the valley. The valley promotes stability and things that do not change. The river promotes flexibility and movement toward a great destination (the fountain of all righteousness). Both the river and the valley have the same destination but they get there using different kinds of energy.
The metaphor of the river of Laman and the valley of Lemuel gives new meaning to Nephi’s counsel to “press forward with a steadfastness in Christ” (2 Nephi 31:20). The words “press forward” suggest forward-movement like the river, whereas the idea of “steadfastness” suggests standing firm and immovable like the valley. How is forward movement consistent with steadfastness? “Steadfast” is holding “fast” (like holding “fast” to the iron rod) to the same “stead” (or place). “Steadfast” means fixed and immovable from one place. Webster’s 1828 Dictionary confirms this, stating that “Steadfast” means “Fast fixed; firm; firmly fixed or established; as the stedfast globe of earth.” So, how can a person be pressing forward and standing steadfast at the same time?
As I pondered these metaphors, it occurred to me that Brian’s energy is like the valley: firm, steadfast, and immovable. He is a calm and reassuring influence amid the storms of life. He is thoughtful and methodical. Brian doesn’t typically respond to changing emotions in an emotional way. He is like the North Star or the valley—fixed and unmoving. Perhaps Jan’s energy is more like the river: vibrant, energetic, flowing, and passionate. Where Brian provides stability in the relationship, Jan provides creative energy and passion. These are two different ways of understanding the world. But I don’t think they are incompatible if we understand that each has an important role to play. A relationship needs both the animation of flowing energy and the stability of fixed principles. (We could craft an explanation of the allegory of the olive tree from this idea— where the tame olive branches promote good fruit but eventually stagnate and die without the vibrance and energy of the wild olive branches. See Jacob 5.)
Interestingly, the prophet Joseph Smith taught that, “by proving contraries, truth is made manifest.” BYU Professor Jared Halverson teaches that contraries are not the same as father Lehi’s teaching that “it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things,” such as light and darkness or good and evil (2 Nephi 2:11). Contraries are two genuine virtues which, in extremes, become vices. For example, justice un-tempered by mercy is cruel. Mercy un-tempered by justice is permissive and chaotic. So, contraries must co-exist in tension with each other and tempering each other.
Similarly, forward movement and passion without calmness and steadfast commitment to fixed principles can leave us without direction “wandering in strange roads” (1 Nephi 8:32). On the other hand, without the passion of the “wild” olive branches “the tree thereof would have perished” (Jacob 5:18-19). In addition to fixed principles, we need passion and spirit so we can “serve in newness of spirit, and not in the oldness of the letter” (Romans 7:6).
Whether you are already married or dating someone, if you find that differences in your ways of seeing and understanding the world are a source of contention, I suggest these paradigm shifts:
- Identify how the energy your partner brings to the relationship differs from yours. Do your best to implement this in a value-neutral way. For example, you could adopt the idea: “I approach relationship issues in a calm and methodical way and my partner approaches them in a passionate and sympathetic way.” This is a value-neutral and descriptive statement—which is very different from thinking, “I approach issues in a reasonable way and my partner approaches them in an out-of-control emotional way” or “I approach issues with my heart, but my partner approaches them coldly and without feeling.”
- Accept that you do not see the world the same way and consider that a gift. You do not need to convince your partner of the correctness of your thinking or the incorrectness of his or hers. What you know is that God brought you together and “What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder” (Mark 10:9). Counsel together on important matters and you will always have another wise perspective to consider.
- Consider how your partner’s energy around relationship issues could balance yours in a healthy way. You may be frustrated that your partner is “stubborn,” but may be able to think of advantages to your partner’s steadfast devotion to principles that are important to you. You may worry that your partner’s emotional expressions are out-of-control and unpredictable. But you may be able to see that he or she is passionate and deeply invested in loving and being loved by you.
- Ponder how you may learn from your partner’s alternative ways of handling a relationship issue. Being calm during moments of stress is certainly a strength when your loved ones need peaceful reassurance. On the other hand, you may be able to learn from your partner to feel safe and confident verbally expressing positive emotion and, thus, create a deeper emotional connection with your partner in the process. If your way of walking in the world is to lead from the heart, that can also be a tremendous blessing to loved ones, especially during times when they most need support and reassurance of their value. On the other hand, if you can learn from your partner how to choose a less emotional response, you can show up in strength and provide calmness when a situation calls for calm reassurance.
- Pay attention to how your partner is most comfortable discussing relationship issues. If your partner is calm and steady, that may be a clue that he or she will feel most comfortable if you discuss things rationally and logically, and you may get further by talking that way. On the other hand, if your partner is more passionate, you may have better luck leading out with positive expressions of love and being more open about your feelings. (By “open,” I do not mean hostile. I simply mean expressing how you feel in your heart about the subject you are discussing and not just analyzing the question.) How you frame your communication to be acceptable to your partner has a lot to do with how he or she will receive it.
- Consider whether the difference is simply too much to deal with. If you have not yet married, do not assume that you will be able to change your partner or convince him or her to interact with the world in a fundamentally different way. Your partner’s basic nature is almost certainly going to remain the same after the wedding. Valuing and learning from the differences between you can be an enriching growth experience if you are willing to see it that way. You don’t need a copy of yourself. You already have yourself to talk to all the time. You will benefit by being with someone who brings other strengths, perspectives, and ideas to your life. If you are very logical, you might benefit from a relationship with someone who is creative and lively. If you are an introvert, you might benefit by being with someone who is a little more extroverted. But if your differences are about very basic and fundamental values, that is different. If one of you believes in spanking the children and the other finds it abhorrent, you may need to consider a different relationship. If one of you wants an “open relationship” and the other is adamantly opposed to that, the relationship simply is not going to work.
God created marriage as a pairing of male and female bodies and souls, at least in part, because he wanted us to learn to value our differences and learn from each other. He wanted us to live with our differences and yet become “one” (Genesis 2:24; Mark 10:6-9). As we strive for that ideal, we are stretched to learn how our partners think, to understand their deepest desires, and to sympathize with their deepest fears. Being married to someone who sees the world differently does not mean you are mismatched. Intentional effort to love and understand each other can expand your understanding of the true nature of things, and also of God’s eternal plan, in a way nothing else can.
Resource:
Intentional Courtship can help in this journey.
About the Author
Jeff Teichert, and his wife Cathy Butler Teichert, are the founders of “Love in Later Years,” which ministers to Latter-day Saint single adults seeking peace, healing, and more joyful relationships. They are co-authors of the Amazon bestseller Intentional Courtship: A Mid-Singles Guide to Peace, Progress and Pairing Up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Jeff and Cathy each spent nearly a decade in the mid-singles community and they use that experience to provide counsel and hope to mid-singles and later married couples through written articles, podcasts, and videos. Jeff and Cathy are both Advanced Certified Life Coaches and have university degrees in Family & Human Development. They are the parents of a blended family that includes four handsome sons, one lovely daughter-in-law, and two sweet little granddaughters.
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