Proverbs 15:1 says, “A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger.”

When I was serving in a YSA some time ago, my wife and I were invited to several wedding receptions of our ward members. As a meaningful gift, we gave some wonderful ice cream spades along with the message “I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. But in a marriage, only scream when there is a fire or someone is in danger!”

How often do we feel it necessary to raise our voice? How often are we critical or demeaning? What are we trying to accomplish? Are we trying to gain power or control? Are we trying to feel better about ourselves? How does that affect our relationships? What could we do differently that can be just as effective?

In General Conference, April 2007, President Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles encouraged us to speak with the tongue of angels. He quoted from James 3:2-10 —

“2 For in many things we offend all. If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body. 3 Behold, we put bits in the horses’ mouths, that they may obey us; and we turn about their whole body. 4 Behold also the ships, which though they be so great, and are driven of fierce winds, yet are they turned about with a very small helm, whithersoever the governor listeth. 5 Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth! 6 And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell. 7 For every kind of beasts, and of birds, and of serpents, and of things in the sea, is tamed, and hath been tamed of mankind: 8 But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. 9 Therewith bless we God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similitude of God. 10 Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be.”

Elder Holland counsels us to exercise caution regarding how we speak to others and how we speak of ourselves. Let the voice “that bears profound testimony, utters fervent prayer, and sings the hymns of Zion [not] be the same voice that berates and criticizes, embarrasses and demeans, inflicts pain and destroys the spirit of oneself and of others in the process.”

“In all of this,” Elder Holland continues, “I suppose it goes without saying that negative speaking so often flows from negative thinking, including negative thinking about ourselves. We see our own faults, we speak—or at least think—critically of ourselves, and before long that is how we see everyone and everything. No sunshine, no roses, no promise of hope or happiness. Before long we and everybody around us are miserable.”

Adjusting to Missionary Life teaches:

When we are feeling self-critical:

  • Focus on what you do right and avoid comparing yourself to others.People with excessively high expectations tend to overfocus on their weaknesses and failures. Then, instead of improving, they may feel hopeless. When reading scriptures, focus on the parts that most apply to you as a beloved servant of God. Look for evidences of God’s patience, grace, hope, and mercy with those who love and desire to serve Him.
  • Listen to the Spirit, not negativity. If you are having thoughts that are belittling, mocking, angry, sarcastic, murmuring, critical, or name calling, they are not from the Lord. Shut them out.

When we are feeling critical or upset at others:

  • Resist the tendency to blame or shame others or yourself. Instead, figure out what the problem is and ask the other person for help in fixing it, regardless of whose fault it is.
  • Be calm, curious, and compassionate. Be curious about what others are thinking and feeling. Ask questions, listen carefully, tell the other person what you think you heard, and ask if you understood correctly. If not, try again.
  • Pray for the gift of charity.Do so “with all the energy of heart” (Moroni 7:48). Ask for eyes to see others as God sees them.

Elder Holland concludes: “… So, brothers and sisters, in this long eternal quest to be more like our Savior, may we try to be “perfect” men and women in at least this one way now—by offending not in word, or more positively put, by speaking with a new tongue, the tongue of angels. Our words, like our deeds, should be filled with faith and hope and charity, the three great Christian imperatives so desperately needed in the world today. With such words, spoken under the influence of the Spirit, tears can be dried, hearts can be healed, lives can be elevated, hope can return, confidence can prevail…”

May the Lord bless us to follow His example and speak with the tongue of angels filled with faith and hope and charity.