Have you ever had someone say something or do something that caused you to become irritated, frustrated, or even angry? Then, when that person or someone else uses the same or similar words, phrases, tone of voice, or actions, how quickly do you become irritated, frustrated, and angry again? How can we become more self-aware and not let anyone else control our emotions?

One tool that can be effective is a Lapse Autopsy. We can look back at what happened before and turn it into a learning experience. We can analyze all of the parts of that situation, and just like coroners determine the cause of death, we can discover how we reacted inappropriately. Our goal is to remain in control of our emotions and actions, no matter what others might do or say. A lapse autopsy analyzes the steps that got us there and how to manage it the next time it occurs.

The Lapse Autopsy steps:

  1. Give an example of a lapse behavior that you have experienced. What happened? When and where did it happen? How did you become irritated, frustrated, or angry? Why did it happen?
  2. What were your thoughts, feelings, and circumstances that led to that event?
  3. How did you give yourself permission to become irritated, frustrated, or angry?
  4. What red flags did you ignore, did not see, or did not know how to address?
  5. What kind of coping skills or healthy alternatives could you have used to stop your lapse in behavior?
  6. If you were to face the situation again, what would you do differently?

After we discover the steps that led to our inappropriate reaction, we can make a plan for the future. Since none of us is perfect, someone is going to say or do something, innocently or purposefully,  that can lead to irritation, frustration, or anger. What can we do to prepare for those circumstances?

  1. Make a plan. Anticipate how people, circumstances, words, or actions might tempt us to react inappropriately. For example, while driving on the freeways in Arizona, it is not a question of “if” someone is going to cut us off; it is a question of “when!” We can choose to respond by forgiving them, by looking at them from a different perspective …. Maybe they are in a hurry to the hospital or late for a job interview, etc. A change in perspective can give us a change in response.
  2. Examine how our emotions may begin to build up into inappropriate reactions. Maybe we are already attaching this event to something related to or totally unrelated to something that happened in the past. We can decide to let go of the past and live in the here and now. An often-repeated phrase in Addiction Recovery is to “let go, let God.” Instead of trying to control things outside of our control, we turn it over to Him.
  3. Watch for Red Flags. Maybe we want to numb our emotions by turning to alcohol or drugs, or overeating, or turning to pornography. If we begin to feel hopeless or helpless, then we can pay attention to those feelings just like warning flags or flashing signs on road construction … we brake! We change lanes, i.e., choose healthy alternatives! Ask for help!
  4. Make a list of healthy alternatives. For example:
    a. Ask the Lord to be your partner to become self-aware, to do better, and to be better.
    b. Breathe deeply and picture things from a different perspective.
    c. Ask yourself if your reaction/action is in line with your values and goals.
    d. Become a peacemaker.
    e. Talk to a family member, a trusted friend, or a professional counselor.
    f. Add your own healthy alternatives. Practice how you will respond.

May the Lord continue to bless us as we grow and progress to become more like our Savior, Jesus Christ.