Find the ideal neighborhood, the place you’d really want to live, and if you spend enough time talking with residents, you’ll discover it, too, contains at least one un-neighborly neighbor – the cause of loud music, boisterous parties, too many cars, lawns needing better upkeep, the list goes on.
Hard to love such neighbors, isn’t it?
It Begins With Love of Self, the Proper Kind
The two great commandments to love – first “the Lord thy God” and then “thy neighbor as thyself” – were given together for the simple reason that the more we obey the first, the easier the second. But one phrase is often given short shrift – “as thyself.”
Love of self comes in two forms. The first is worldly egocentricity. It’s the urge to call attention to oneself ranging from subtle references to outright flaunting of positions, titles, wealth, influence, achievements and name dropping. Such look-at-me ploys may actually conceal an inner voice of self-dislike requiring praise from others to silence.
The second is to so love yourself that you can lose yourself. Constant self-reference is grating. You don’t have to prove yourself to others. By looking beyond your own needs, you achieve the ability to help others overcome their own growth-limiting fixation on self.
I love the advice Gordon B. Hinckley’s father gave him when he became discouraged as a young missionary: “Forget yourself and go to work.” Years later as an apostle, Elder Hinckley observed:
Generally speaking, the most miserable people I know are those obsessed with themselves; the happiest people I know are those who lose themselves in the service of others.
In a 1999 talk to a group of Latter-day Saint counselors and therapists, Elder Neal A. Maxwell quoted a passage from G.K. Chesterton’s book Orthodoxy:
How much larger your life would be if your self were smaller in it: If you could really look at other men with common curiosity and pleasure…. You would begin to be interested in them…. You would break out of this tiny and tawdry theatre in which your own little plot is always being played, and you would find yourself under a freer sky, and in a street full of splendid strangers.
He then said, “The people that come to you for help may begin as strangers, but they are ‘splendid’. We have a gospel frame of reference which helps us to see them differently.”
We can see people differently, and thus be in a better position to love them, if we find out their life stories. Be curious. Ask sincere questions. Everyone likes to talk about themselves; start the process with casual questions and feed them.
If there are hiccups, imagine yourself in his position, see the world through his eyes and have that guide your relationship.
But What If You Really Dislike Someone?
As we get to know a stranger, he becomes easier to love. But what about the neighbor who isn’t a stranger? You’ve talked with him, perhaps argued; you know him well and you simply don’t like the grumpy guy.
Or maybe the disliked person is someone you’ve never met and will never have a conversation with – someone in the news with differing political views such as an elected official you dislike because you’re on opposite sides of the political spectrum in our day of raucous issue debates.
How do we love the guy yelling at us because of what we believe?
As a public opinion researcher, I regularly test issues using an agree-disagree scale. For years I saw many bell-shaped curves – most people in the middle, fewer at either end. Today, however, I’m seeing many U-shaped curves. America is becoming more polarized and the intensity of feelings is unfortunately brewing hatred.
Hence all the more reason to follow the Lord’s commandment to love not only our neighbor but also our enemies and to do good to those who hate and despitefully use us.
Whether dealing with neighbor or politician, first seek to find something that prods you to feel sorry for them. (Don’t worry about feeling condescending.)
If nothing comes to mind about Mr. Grumpy Neighbor, imagine how you might feel about him if you heard that his mother passed away yesterday, or his sister is in critical condition after an auto accident.
For Mr. Politician, perhaps you notice an unsteady walk, word confusion, age fragileness, a wince of pain. Put yourself in his place and ask how you would want other people to relate to you in such condition. You’ll discover a shared humanity.
Note: Sincere feelings of sympathy that may yet lead to love do not mean you approve his agenda, but you do accept him and try to treat him as a child of God even while fighting his actions.
The key is finding something, even a small something, you can sympathize with that gets things moving:
Sincere questions uncover sorrows.
Feeling sorry fosters compassion.
Compassion leads to warmth.
Warmth is the beginning of love.
* * *
Gary Lawrence is the author of “The Magnificent Gift of Agency” available at Deseret Book, and the developer of the no-pressure comparison website whereagree.com to help the curious learn more about us. Free pass-along cards available by emailing him at [email protected].
