Parenting

Men are given the unique opportunity to act as responsive figures in the lives of children, women, and others who they know and interact with during their daily experiences. Each experience with another person brings with it a question: “How will I respond to this moment of need or distress or hardship?”

The willingness of a man to respond with love, support or kindness in such moments defines much of the potential for blessing or helping others that rests in the relationship a father shares with others. Fathers and father figures appear in many roles—biological father, stepfather, grandfather, uncle, in-law, coach, mentor, spiritual leader and more. In whatever role a man may be in to children or others in his life, my suggestion is that much of how he helps or harms them is significantly dependent on how he responds in their moments of need or distress or hardship.

Let’s explore this idea a bit further through the lens of scholarship and scripture.

Generative Fathering and Responding to the Needs of Children and Others

In the process of studying for my master’s degree, I became involved in an in-depth study examining the relationships and interactions of fathers with their children, particularly with children who had special needs. The study also involved development of a new conceptual approach to thinking about men as fathers. This approach became known as generative fathering. Well, what exactly is generative fathering?

Generative fathering has a variety of features, but at its heart, it encourages fathering efforts in which “fathering . . . meets the needs of children by working to create and maintain a developing ethical relationship with them.” Let’s unpack that a bit. The term “generative” is borrowed from the concept of generativity, an idea pioneered by the great psychologist Erik Erickson, who suggested that generativity means to respond to and care for the needs of the next generation. Erikson described this task as one of the great challenges of adulthood.

First, this type of fathering is grounded in the task and responsibility of being aware of and responding to the needs of children or others. In our writing on this topic, myself and other colleagues explained: “[Generative fathering] . . . emphasizes meeting children’s deep and abiding, though varied and changing, needs, rather than responding to changing societal expectations.” In essence, the needs of children largely tend to remain steady across time and place and context. Babies need to fed and cradled; toddlers need be listened to and played with; teens need to be encouraged and calmed; young adults need to be given freedom and resources.

Second, the relationship between a man who acts in a fatherly role and children or others in his life is always developing, growing, changing. That means it requires continuing attention, care or responsiveness, just as a plant changes and grows with the seasons and needs to be tended and cared.

Finally, an “ethical relationship” as described here means that there is a moral and spiritual component to how men respond to and care for children in their lives. As is true of all our Heavenly Father’s children, men are endowed with moral agency and have both the responsibility and opportunity to learn how to use their agency in ways that harmonize with the will of our heavenly parents.

So, to re-frame the question asked at the beginning of this article: “How will I use my moral agency – my ability to choose in this moment – in responding to my child’s moment of need or distress or hardship – as it calls upon me to respond in a moral and spiritual way?” What will I do? And, what will it matter?

Elder Packer and the Question of a Child       

Elder Boyd K. Packer, a long-time Apostle, spoke at some length on raising children and being responsive to children, especially when they ask questions. As a trained teacher, he had learned to recognize that often the optimal moment for a child to learn is when they come asking a particular question on their heart or mind.

Now, children often do not select the most optimal moment for parents. That phrase—“Dad (or Grandpa So-and-So or Uncle Jim, etc.), I have a question”—may be asked when you are already occupied with watching a football game, or fixing a repair, or otherwise keeping busy with the many tasks of life. BUT—it may be the ideal moment for that child. And so, how do you respond in that moment to that question – that invitation?

In his book, Teach Ye Diligently, Elder Packer explained: “My wife and I have made it a practice as parents never to put off a question from one of our youngsters. Regardless of how unimportant the question seems or how busily we are involved, we have always been willing to interrupt anything to respond to the question of a youngster. That is because the question is an indication that he is ready; he wants to know—now.”

I can see some thought bubbles out there as this phrase is read, perhaps, and hasten to add that common sense is also an important parenting principle. For example, do you have to answer the question if you are in the middle of spending time in the bathroom? Or if you are packing and must leave for a flight in 10 minutes? Or . . . you get the picture. Being able to discern a child’s moment of readiness to learn versus a demand for attention “no matter what” is a key skill parents and caregivers should cultivate.

Still, the basic point stands: How responsive are you to a child when the question is asked and a readiness to learn exists? To emphasize the point, I recall Elder Packer noting that if he were falling off a roof, and a child asked such a question in such a moment, he would pause in mid-air to respond to the child’s moment of readiness—and then fall the rest of the way to the ground.

In exploring this idea, I think that Elder Packer’s suggestion fits well with the tenet of generative fathering already explained. Being responsive to a child’s needs, in this case a question when a child is ready to learn, is at the heart of fathering.

Does that mean our Divine Father will always respond immediately to our needs and questions? No, it does not. In fact, in Doctrine and Covenants 88:68, the Lord teaches us as we seek Him, that he will unveil himself to us “in his own time, and in his own way, and according to his own will.” But that is speaking of a specific promise as we seek the Lord, and part of our faith in God involves faith in His timing and pattern in responding to us. As mortals, seeking the Lord’s help in how we respond to our children, His children, will certainly be important to our ability to respond more like Him.

A Father’s Response Sets a Pattern

There are many ways that we can respond to a child’s or a loved one’s moment of need or outreach. How do we respond?

Do we respond with indifference? Anger? A flash of irritation? Criticism?

Do we respond with openness? Encouragement? Attention?

In studying fathers of children with diagnosed special needs, there were many conditions that these children experienced in their lives. Developmental delays. Down’s syndrome. Hearing difficulties. Vision impairment. Language disorders. ADHD. Learning disabilities. And more.

While some conditions that affect children are known at the time of a child’s birth, it is also quite common that a child’s difficulty and diagnosis occur sometime during their developing years in childhood. The moment of diagnosis, when a condition is identified and the effects in a child’s life and development are understood, tends to be quite critical. Again, a moment of need or difficulty emerges—and then what? How do we respond?

Our research on this circumstance showed that how a father responds to a child’s diagnosis of special needs is strongly influential in shaping how others may also respond. For example, if he responds with support and reassurance, then this tends to lift burdens of doubt or discouragement and helps others to respond also with support. Certainly, a variety of factors weigh in here, but a father or father figure’s attitude and commitment in responding to a moment of challenge for a child and family makes a critical impact on how others adjust to the challenging situation.

In other words, a father’s responsiveness in a caring, supportive way to a challenging situation has a ripple effect—it flows outward to shape the perception and response of others. Including the child who needs to navigate life with a particular challenge. This pattern brings up another point then: “Father, are you there?”

“Father, Are You There?”

A beloved and well-known talk among the Latter-day Saints was given by President Hugh B. Brown, then an Apostle and member of the First Presidency, and is titled: “Father, Are You There?” He delivered this address in October 1967 at Brigham Young University as a devotional address.

In this address, President Brown’s title refers to the plea that a child or young person might make to our Divine Father, our Heavenly Father, seeking His guidance and reassurance in life. He refers to moments in his youth when he’d sometimes feel fearful, and then he’d call out to his mother in a nearby room: “Mother, are you there?” And, then, she would answer and reassure him, and he would feel safe and gain courage. Then, speaking of a time period when he would leave for a mission, President Brown recounts:

“Now,” she said, “you will be about 6,000 miles away, and though you may cry out for me, I cannot answer you.” She added this: “There is one who can, and if you call to Him, He will hear you when you call. He will respond to your appeal. You just say, ‘Father, are you there?’ And there will come into your heart the comfort and solace such as you knew as a boy when I answered you.”

I want to say to you young people that many times since then, in many and varying conditions, I have cried out, “Father, are you there?” I made that plea in the mission field when we were mobbed almost every night, driven from place to place. We were beaten and expelled from cities; our lives were threatened. Every time before I went out to those meetings, I would say, “Father, are you there?” And though I didn’t hear a voice and though I didn’t see His person, I want to tell you young people that He replied to me with the comfort and assurance and testimony of His presence. It made me unafraid, and with that presence, I am grateful to say, we did not suffer much.”

This plea articulated by President Brown is common for so many of us at so many different points in life. “Father, are you there?”

I would add my own experience and affirmation that our Heavenly Father is present in our lives, that He does hear our cries to him, and that His reassuring response is available to each one of us. Notice, however, in President Brown’s account that the troubles of life as a missionary did not disappear for him—there were still threats and difficulties and concerns. Instead, the knowledge of God’s presence and responsiveness provided him with “comfort and assurance,” and helped to lessen his anxiety and give him greater courage for the battles of life.

For any man who serves in a fatherly position in someone’s life, and for those who support them in these roles, it is vital to remember that our response to the question framed here matters. It matters greatly. In one context or another, we might hear asked of us the same question that many send up to a Divine Father, but coming to us as mortals: “Father, are you there?”

There are many circumstances that can limit our responsiveness. Addiction. Personal trauma. Alienation from those we love. Mental health challenges. Spiritual wandering. I would hope, as we encourage men to be responsive to the needs of children in our lives, that we might also be responsive to the needs of those men themselves.

I know too many men who are hurting. Who feel alone in the struggles of life, discouraged by life difficulties, or ignored and challenged by those who ought to love them. Who ought to extend them mercy or forgiveness or love.

Father’s Day is coming.

For fathers and father figures, I would ask you to ask of yourselves: “Father, are you there?” Are you seeking help from the Divine Father who can provide reassurance and strength? And, are you seeking to be present and comforting and reassuring to those who may ask this question of you? Sometimes they ask it out loud, but perhaps even more often, they ask it quietly in their hearts and we need to discern it and respond.

For those who can and should encourage fathers in their lives, I might ask the question a bit differently: “Are you there—for the fathers and father figures in your lives?” Are you there more than once a year?

The Prodigal and a Father’s Response  

In scripture, the Savior’s teaching on being attentive to those who have wandered into life’s difficulties is clearly taught in the parable of the prodigal son (see Luke 15:11-32). There are many teaching elements in this story. But, for this point, I wish simply to remind that, in a sense, we are all the prodigal child.

Each of us wanders. Each of us makes choices that need patience and compassion. Each of us must cope with life difficulties. And, each of us can be blessed by a father who responds with the care we need in such circumstances—whether an earthly or heavenly father.

In the tale of the prodigal son, the father could have been angry—this son had not listened, had disobeyed, had wasted the inheritance given to him. I am pretty certain, in fact, that if we sat down and asked the Savior more about this story, that he would indicate such feelings of frustration or anger or exhaustion were indeed part of what the earthly father of the prodigal son experienced. We are human, after all, and that is part of the human experience.

What is even more important, however, is that this father let the divine spark within him, the light of Christ, guide his response as the wandering child returned. He let love overcome anger. He let compassion become his guiding response. He exercised his moral agency to respond with care and support and forgiveness to a child’s need and distress.

The father in the story is many fathers, in many circumstances, in the lives of many children. And, ultimately of course, he represents our Heavenly Father, who is watching for us. In doing so, as in the story, even when the child is “a great way off”—still distant—he responds, for “his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him” (Luke 15:20).

There is more to the story, and it is beautiful, and much is to be learned. It’s a good story to read and contemplate on Father’s Day, or heading into Father’s Day.

But, I just want to focus on that moment. The Moment of Response. It makes so much difference.

Let us return to my original theme: In whatever role a man may be in to children or others in his life, my suggestion is that much of how he helps or harms them is significantly dependent on how he responds in their moments of need or distress or hardship.

The tale of the prodigal son offers us a lesson about our Heavenly Father, and His love and response to us in our times of need or distress or hardship. Additionally, it models for us the type of response that men can give to bless their children and loved ones or others who may be depending on them. And, finally, it is the Savior Jesus Christ who offers to help each one of us in learning to respond in this heavenly manner, saying: “Come unto me.”

President Jeffrey R. Holland taught: “However halting our steps are toward him—though they shouldn’t be halting at all—his steps are never halting toward us. May we have enough faith to accept the goodness of God and the mercy of his Only Begotten Son.”