My wife had an affair 20 + years before I met her when she was previously married, 4 children, very active in the Church. Next 10 years dealing with intense anger from her husband lead to a divorce. Good behavior by her from then until when we met. I know it isn't fair, but my respect for her has been greatly damaged. I want to appreciate her for the remarkable person that she has worked to become, but I am definitely struggling with the past. I want to let go of my hypocritical and judgemental approach.
Kristin HodsonJanuary 18, 2014
Picking up the pieces, I really like The New Monogamy by Tammy Nelson. It acknowledges the three components of an affair (emotional, sexual, betrayal), how to grieve and heal, then gives great tools on how to repair the relationship and restore intimacy.
BSDecember 17, 2013
Picking up the Pieces - have you looked at "Surviving an Affair" by Willard Harley? Excellent book.
VelindaDecember 17, 2013
You are spot on with this. My ex-husband had what he considered to be "minor" porn and sexual addictions, continually lived in dumb decision land, but refused to ever sacrifice the satisfaction derived from indulging in just about every item on the vulnerability list, and "found himself" being unfaithful over and over and over and over again. After twenty years of forgiveness and "starting over" I finally realized you can't save someone from themself. He really wasn't interested in giving anything up. Our religion preaches so strongly about staying married no matter what, that i was determined to make it work. But his actions finally reached the point of ex-communication and I realized that both my sons and my daughters needed to receive the message that it is NOT OKAY for a man to treat a woman like that, so I divorced him. While my ex was just one man, he was able to find countless LDS (and non-LDS) women to flirt inappropriately with, so I agree with the above poster who comments that it is a "social norm" to accept behaviors that are very dangerous to marriages. If people want to stay married they are going to have to set their own standards of behavior for protecting their marriage as a first priority. It must be consciously and consistently done, or I can testify to the sad results. I feel like a first-class chump for being willing to put up with so much for so long.
Cheryl WheelerOctober 15, 2013
Excellent information for all couples to be aware of.
I treat sexual compulsive behaviors in the Phoenix area, and find the "social norm" of acceptance to be so very dangerous on so many levels!
https://www.mycounselingsolutions.com/Sexual_Compulsivity_Grp.html
kimOctober 15, 2013
When you have been in a relationship with an unfaithful partner it can take a long time to get over and trust again!
https://fidelitycheckonline.com
AprilOctober 14, 2013
To Picking Up the Pieces. After two marriages wracked with infidelity on my husbands parts I would say, Why would you want to?
I am now married to a man in which we have open communication and shared values and shared activities. No infidelity. So glad I stopped trying to pick up the pieces and save my other marriages.
Sam ZaragozaOctober 14, 2013
Great article, great advice. Great tools for helping to keep the sexual relationship in your marriage healthy.
Totally sharing this one. ;0)
Picking up the PiecesOctober 14, 2013
I would like to read something on how to put a marriage back together after infidelity has occurred.
A Happy HubbyOctober 14, 2013
I love the way you take on issues and work to improve marriages - and not just statements of "stay strong." We as a Mormon culture and religion need to more openly discuss items around intimacy as well as provide direction on how to improve these areas. I see issues in this area splitting up most of the relationships where I know the details a bit. Thanks so much Laura for your efforts in breaking the ice on this subject!
Comments | Return to Story
Struggling With the Past March 13, 2014
My wife had an affair 20 + years before I met her when she was previously married, 4 children, very active in the Church. Next 10 years dealing with intense anger from her husband lead to a divorce. Good behavior by her from then until when we met. I know it isn't fair, but my respect for her has been greatly damaged. I want to appreciate her for the remarkable person that she has worked to become, but I am definitely struggling with the past. I want to let go of my hypocritical and judgemental approach.
Kristin HodsonJanuary 18, 2014
Picking up the pieces, I really like The New Monogamy by Tammy Nelson. It acknowledges the three components of an affair (emotional, sexual, betrayal), how to grieve and heal, then gives great tools on how to repair the relationship and restore intimacy.
BSDecember 17, 2013
Picking up the Pieces - have you looked at "Surviving an Affair" by Willard Harley? Excellent book.
VelindaDecember 17, 2013
You are spot on with this. My ex-husband had what he considered to be "minor" porn and sexual addictions, continually lived in dumb decision land, but refused to ever sacrifice the satisfaction derived from indulging in just about every item on the vulnerability list, and "found himself" being unfaithful over and over and over and over again. After twenty years of forgiveness and "starting over" I finally realized you can't save someone from themself. He really wasn't interested in giving anything up. Our religion preaches so strongly about staying married no matter what, that i was determined to make it work. But his actions finally reached the point of ex-communication and I realized that both my sons and my daughters needed to receive the message that it is NOT OKAY for a man to treat a woman like that, so I divorced him. While my ex was just one man, he was able to find countless LDS (and non-LDS) women to flirt inappropriately with, so I agree with the above poster who comments that it is a "social norm" to accept behaviors that are very dangerous to marriages. If people want to stay married they are going to have to set their own standards of behavior for protecting their marriage as a first priority. It must be consciously and consistently done, or I can testify to the sad results. I feel like a first-class chump for being willing to put up with so much for so long.
Cheryl WheelerOctober 15, 2013
Excellent information for all couples to be aware of. I treat sexual compulsive behaviors in the Phoenix area, and find the "social norm" of acceptance to be so very dangerous on so many levels! https://www.mycounselingsolutions.com/Sexual_Compulsivity_Grp.html
kimOctober 15, 2013
When you have been in a relationship with an unfaithful partner it can take a long time to get over and trust again! https://fidelitycheckonline.com
AprilOctober 14, 2013
To Picking Up the Pieces. After two marriages wracked with infidelity on my husbands parts I would say, Why would you want to? I am now married to a man in which we have open communication and shared values and shared activities. No infidelity. So glad I stopped trying to pick up the pieces and save my other marriages.
Sam ZaragozaOctober 14, 2013
Great article, great advice. Great tools for helping to keep the sexual relationship in your marriage healthy. Totally sharing this one. ;0)
Picking up the PiecesOctober 14, 2013
I would like to read something on how to put a marriage back together after infidelity has occurred.
A Happy HubbyOctober 14, 2013
I love the way you take on issues and work to improve marriages - and not just statements of "stay strong." We as a Mormon culture and religion need to more openly discuss items around intimacy as well as provide direction on how to improve these areas. I see issues in this area splitting up most of the relationships where I know the details a bit. Thanks so much Laura for your efforts in breaking the ice on this subject!
ADD A COMMENT