This is a very honest article and I agree with most of it. I really think its a great article.
The only part I don't agree with is giving someone a "makeover." I think you should fall in love with someone "as is" and not expecting to change the person. (ie: try to change Nick into looking like Peter) If a guy (or girl) wants some pointers on looking nicer, great, but otherwise, the person's looks should be left alone. Its not fair to expect them to change. Some people just are who they are--whether that's t-shirts and holey jeans, 30 lbs overweight, weird haircut, etc.
NicoleJune 18, 2013
Loved this article--I totally agree with the author 100% as a veteran of singles wards for nearly twenty years, everything she said is true. I myself have tried to take physical attraction out of the equation and tried to date "nice" guys and have recently found that my relationships with "nice" guys are lacking. I need to be guided by the spirit and not settle....
rick stewartJune 16, 2013
-- for the longest time, my wife-to-be and i were not physically attracted to each other -- at all -- we did, however, become best friends -- as we each continued to pray about finding an eternal companion, Heavenly Father inspired us to look at each other, dummy! -- because of the lack of physical attraction, we fought the inspiration, but eventually could not deny it, and so finally acted on that inspiration -- we have now been married 22 years and our lives are FILLED with mush moments and great cuddling and all the other benefits of wonderful physical attraction -- yes, the physical attraction came, in wonderful waves -- bottom line: search, ponder and PRAY, and then act on whatever Heavenly Father inspires you to do -- trust me, it will all work out -- faith precedes the miracle, and He will never lead you astray --
brittJune 16, 2013
sigh. Is this where we are? So men "need" a woman to whom they are physically attracted, and women need money. Those are reliable and important ways of choosing a spouse.
No. money and looks come and go. I'd rather be attracted to character-to goodness to righteousness. I'd rather be looking for someone who knows how to love and be loved. I'd rather prepare myself by being someone who knows how to love and be loved.
In my opinion this is a huge and horrible side effect of gay marriage...this emphasis on attraction and this false statement that it is necessary for a good marriage. It continues the false notion from no fault divorce that love is a place you fall and you can fall out of love.
Love is what you do. If it is a place don't fall...that is too unreliable. Once you are married....you don't wait around until he regrows his hair or she looses the baby weight...you jump back in love.
SimplicioJune 14, 2013
I was happy to find an accurate article on such a taboo topic in this forum.
I'll admit, I've long been perplexed at why it's okay for HER to care about HIS height, but it's shallow of HIM to care about 'width' or any outward characteristic whatsoever.
These days it seems that a lasting relationship needs all the dimensions of mutual attraction that we can muster
KathrynJune 12, 2013
Great comments here! One more I'll add: I believe that genuine love isn't based on the other person's appearance; rather, we see the beauty in their appearance--and their souls--as we truly love.
MJJune 12, 2013
You know, I wanted to leap to the conclusions the other commenters leapt to, but that isn't what the article said. Attraction is important to beginning a relationship. The "spark" is what gets you hooked enough to stick around and develop a deeper relationship. But it needs to be mutual. I think the most important thing is to be honest with yourself and figure out what you really find attractive. Personally, I know there's a fairly wide range for me. There are some physical qualities that are pretty constant positive (or negative), but others are nice-to-have and there are mitigating factors that easily overcome them (eg, he may only be 5'7" and not have quite as much hair as he used to, but if he's helping clean up after the pot luck, that's one attractive guy!). If a guy (or girl) claims not to have any preferred physical characteristics, he (or she) just hasn't figured it out, is in denial, or has a problem with attraction that might require additional (outside) help to overcome.
JanelleJune 11, 2013
I think you are trying to compartmentalize and analyze the issue of attraction too much, and the overall impression I had of this article was of rationalization and desperation. Some of history's most famous/notorious sirens have not been the most physically beautiful women. They embraced the power of their femininity and their womanhood. This is naturally magnetic to male energy. It inspires them to want to do those things like preside, provide, and protect - which is the mandate of the Priesthood.
One of the things that I see single LDS women do is either focus too much on their appearance or become extremely accomplished in their education and careers. The more a
woman focuses on these career accomplishments and continually tries to prove her worth as a women to men, the more it is a turnoff to men. The energy is too masculine, regardless of how attractive a woman is. I learned about female masculine energy from catching an episode of 'Millionaire Matchmaker' on an airplane. It was a huge paradigm shift for me. You should do some research, and from non-LDS sources.
Men are attracted to happiness, how at ease you are with yourself. How they feel when they are around you. They want to feel needed and wanted. This makes a woman more attractive to them, regardless of where she falls on the world's scale of beauty. All of a woman's accomplishments and appearance are icing on the cake, but they are not the cake.
I also DO care what a man has done with his life, and find a man unattractive if he has been frittering his life away Peter Pan-style. No matter the physical attraction. Men who seem desperate, try too hard in their appearance, work out too much, and brag are also dolts. Desperation is a turnoff to both sexes.
KathrynJune 11, 2013
Here's something else to think about. Recently I got back in touch with a high school friend who I thought was drop-dead gorgeous back then. When I saw him again I hardly recognized him. Looks change over the years! So if a partner's appearance is going to be different 10, 20, or 30 years down the road (and it will), how can attractiveness be a reliable basis for choosing a companion?
RaNaeJune 11, 2013
I think you are wrong. Attractiveness is such a transitory idol, that it should not be the basis for something as important as choosing an eternal companion. It may be easily noticed, but its is a pretty thin veneer. I don't think the Lord put us on earth in certain bodies so we would know our place when looking for a marriage partner. Your examples of professional matchmakers did not include a follow-up of how happily those same couples were married 10 or 50 years down the road.
To ask a 30 year old if they prefer freckles or dimples really is missing the point. Since he seems like a good sport to date so many people, maybe he would have better luck if these dates were in settings where he could really see the qualities he is looking for, like a clean-up project or community volunteer work. Instead of trying to "fix" his criteria, help him identify settings where the woman's real assets will shine.
Nadine AndertonJune 11, 2013
I agree with the previous commenters, esp. Julianne. It is a bit sexist to suggest that only the male feel the spark, by the way, or it is the women's place to modify her wish list of attrative factors to accept whomever finds her attractive. While there have been some men I have been simply not attracted to, it is usually for other personality factors, in the end, not looks. I was divorced by a man who married me for all the wrong reasons. I don't know what all was on his wish list, but it seems to have been mostly spiritual attributes which would qualify her for a temple marriage. Since he had adult children from another marriage, he wanted her to be acceptable to them. He was somewhat turned off by the fact that I had been married, let's say more than twice, but he reconciled to that. He mentioned once that he had considering marrying one woman who fit all the qualifications but he just didn't feel the "spark" and wondered whether he should have just gone ahead and taken the risk. After we were married, I discovered that he had no interested in the sexual part of marriage, and once he admitted to me there was no spark, and I wondered if I was that "one" or simply another one. I felt cheated in the end. Interestingly I met someone who set off sparks (tall, dark, handsome, with the most georgeous blue eyes!) that were mutual. The strange thing is that I am much older than he is, but it works because an older woman is on his wish list. It was afterward that we discovered the many interests in common and factors of commonality. We are still working on a few things. I think the immediate sexual attraction attraction is nice, but not the most important early factor. It can come later. Look at all the arranged marriages in the "olden" days where love came along the way eventually.
Julianne HallJune 11, 2013
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. My issue with your article is that you've told the men that aren't attrative that it's ok and that women love a guy with a great personality...but for those of us non-size 2, non-blonde, non-model looking women, you've not given us any suggestion about what to do other than, well you should get more attractive and consider the less attractive guys in the ward too. Well the problem is, EVERY guy thinks he is more attractive than he is which is why he thinks he can date the hottest girl in the ward. He thinks he IS in her league. I agree that physical attraction is important...but what I would assert is that physical attractiveNESS ACCORDING TO THE WORLD is not important but being attractED to your partner is important. The messages from the world about what is beautiful are skewed and non-representative of real value. We as Latter-day Saints don't listen to the world about what to drink, or how to live, or what to do on the weekends so why do we let the world tell us what is attractive. It plays directly into Satan's hands to have the message prevalent among LDS singles that attractiveness is the most important factor in a partner. Yes it is important to be attractED to your partner, but it is not the ONLY thing and sometimes attraction comes as you get to know them...and not from staring at someone with your buddies from across a dark room. I'm afraid your article is just giving many guys permission to be shallow (even though I know that was not your intent).
ShareeJune 11, 2013
Way back in my younger days, I absolutely adored a guy in my singles ward that was really not all that good looking, but was intelligent and had personality plus. He dated a great many beautiful women (but not me) and could have married any of them. but he ended up marrying a girl just as homely in appearance as he was. Physical attraction is not necessarily about beauty or handsomeness. It's a soul to soul thing.
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SallyJune 20, 2013
This is a very honest article and I agree with most of it. I really think its a great article. The only part I don't agree with is giving someone a "makeover." I think you should fall in love with someone "as is" and not expecting to change the person. (ie: try to change Nick into looking like Peter) If a guy (or girl) wants some pointers on looking nicer, great, but otherwise, the person's looks should be left alone. Its not fair to expect them to change. Some people just are who they are--whether that's t-shirts and holey jeans, 30 lbs overweight, weird haircut, etc.
NicoleJune 18, 2013
Loved this article--I totally agree with the author 100% as a veteran of singles wards for nearly twenty years, everything she said is true. I myself have tried to take physical attraction out of the equation and tried to date "nice" guys and have recently found that my relationships with "nice" guys are lacking. I need to be guided by the spirit and not settle....
rick stewartJune 16, 2013
-- for the longest time, my wife-to-be and i were not physically attracted to each other -- at all -- we did, however, become best friends -- as we each continued to pray about finding an eternal companion, Heavenly Father inspired us to look at each other, dummy! -- because of the lack of physical attraction, we fought the inspiration, but eventually could not deny it, and so finally acted on that inspiration -- we have now been married 22 years and our lives are FILLED with mush moments and great cuddling and all the other benefits of wonderful physical attraction -- yes, the physical attraction came, in wonderful waves -- bottom line: search, ponder and PRAY, and then act on whatever Heavenly Father inspires you to do -- trust me, it will all work out -- faith precedes the miracle, and He will never lead you astray --
brittJune 16, 2013
sigh. Is this where we are? So men "need" a woman to whom they are physically attracted, and women need money. Those are reliable and important ways of choosing a spouse. No. money and looks come and go. I'd rather be attracted to character-to goodness to righteousness. I'd rather be looking for someone who knows how to love and be loved. I'd rather prepare myself by being someone who knows how to love and be loved. In my opinion this is a huge and horrible side effect of gay marriage...this emphasis on attraction and this false statement that it is necessary for a good marriage. It continues the false notion from no fault divorce that love is a place you fall and you can fall out of love. Love is what you do. If it is a place don't fall...that is too unreliable. Once you are married....you don't wait around until he regrows his hair or she looses the baby weight...you jump back in love.
SimplicioJune 14, 2013
I was happy to find an accurate article on such a taboo topic in this forum. I'll admit, I've long been perplexed at why it's okay for HER to care about HIS height, but it's shallow of HIM to care about 'width' or any outward characteristic whatsoever. These days it seems that a lasting relationship needs all the dimensions of mutual attraction that we can muster
KathrynJune 12, 2013
Great comments here! One more I'll add: I believe that genuine love isn't based on the other person's appearance; rather, we see the beauty in their appearance--and their souls--as we truly love.
MJJune 12, 2013
You know, I wanted to leap to the conclusions the other commenters leapt to, but that isn't what the article said. Attraction is important to beginning a relationship. The "spark" is what gets you hooked enough to stick around and develop a deeper relationship. But it needs to be mutual. I think the most important thing is to be honest with yourself and figure out what you really find attractive. Personally, I know there's a fairly wide range for me. There are some physical qualities that are pretty constant positive (or negative), but others are nice-to-have and there are mitigating factors that easily overcome them (eg, he may only be 5'7" and not have quite as much hair as he used to, but if he's helping clean up after the pot luck, that's one attractive guy!). If a guy (or girl) claims not to have any preferred physical characteristics, he (or she) just hasn't figured it out, is in denial, or has a problem with attraction that might require additional (outside) help to overcome.
JanelleJune 11, 2013
I think you are trying to compartmentalize and analyze the issue of attraction too much, and the overall impression I had of this article was of rationalization and desperation. Some of history's most famous/notorious sirens have not been the most physically beautiful women. They embraced the power of their femininity and their womanhood. This is naturally magnetic to male energy. It inspires them to want to do those things like preside, provide, and protect - which is the mandate of the Priesthood. One of the things that I see single LDS women do is either focus too much on their appearance or become extremely accomplished in their education and careers. The more a woman focuses on these career accomplishments and continually tries to prove her worth as a women to men, the more it is a turnoff to men. The energy is too masculine, regardless of how attractive a woman is. I learned about female masculine energy from catching an episode of 'Millionaire Matchmaker' on an airplane. It was a huge paradigm shift for me. You should do some research, and from non-LDS sources. Men are attracted to happiness, how at ease you are with yourself. How they feel when they are around you. They want to feel needed and wanted. This makes a woman more attractive to them, regardless of where she falls on the world's scale of beauty. All of a woman's accomplishments and appearance are icing on the cake, but they are not the cake. I also DO care what a man has done with his life, and find a man unattractive if he has been frittering his life away Peter Pan-style. No matter the physical attraction. Men who seem desperate, try too hard in their appearance, work out too much, and brag are also dolts. Desperation is a turnoff to both sexes.
KathrynJune 11, 2013
Here's something else to think about. Recently I got back in touch with a high school friend who I thought was drop-dead gorgeous back then. When I saw him again I hardly recognized him. Looks change over the years! So if a partner's appearance is going to be different 10, 20, or 30 years down the road (and it will), how can attractiveness be a reliable basis for choosing a companion?
RaNaeJune 11, 2013
I think you are wrong. Attractiveness is such a transitory idol, that it should not be the basis for something as important as choosing an eternal companion. It may be easily noticed, but its is a pretty thin veneer. I don't think the Lord put us on earth in certain bodies so we would know our place when looking for a marriage partner. Your examples of professional matchmakers did not include a follow-up of how happily those same couples were married 10 or 50 years down the road. To ask a 30 year old if they prefer freckles or dimples really is missing the point. Since he seems like a good sport to date so many people, maybe he would have better luck if these dates were in settings where he could really see the qualities he is looking for, like a clean-up project or community volunteer work. Instead of trying to "fix" his criteria, help him identify settings where the woman's real assets will shine.
Nadine AndertonJune 11, 2013
I agree with the previous commenters, esp. Julianne. It is a bit sexist to suggest that only the male feel the spark, by the way, or it is the women's place to modify her wish list of attrative factors to accept whomever finds her attractive. While there have been some men I have been simply not attracted to, it is usually for other personality factors, in the end, not looks. I was divorced by a man who married me for all the wrong reasons. I don't know what all was on his wish list, but it seems to have been mostly spiritual attributes which would qualify her for a temple marriage. Since he had adult children from another marriage, he wanted her to be acceptable to them. He was somewhat turned off by the fact that I had been married, let's say more than twice, but he reconciled to that. He mentioned once that he had considering marrying one woman who fit all the qualifications but he just didn't feel the "spark" and wondered whether he should have just gone ahead and taken the risk. After we were married, I discovered that he had no interested in the sexual part of marriage, and once he admitted to me there was no spark, and I wondered if I was that "one" or simply another one. I felt cheated in the end. Interestingly I met someone who set off sparks (tall, dark, handsome, with the most georgeous blue eyes!) that were mutual. The strange thing is that I am much older than he is, but it works because an older woman is on his wish list. It was afterward that we discovered the many interests in common and factors of commonality. We are still working on a few things. I think the immediate sexual attraction attraction is nice, but not the most important early factor. It can come later. Look at all the arranged marriages in the "olden" days where love came along the way eventually.
Julianne HallJune 11, 2013
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. My issue with your article is that you've told the men that aren't attrative that it's ok and that women love a guy with a great personality...but for those of us non-size 2, non-blonde, non-model looking women, you've not given us any suggestion about what to do other than, well you should get more attractive and consider the less attractive guys in the ward too. Well the problem is, EVERY guy thinks he is more attractive than he is which is why he thinks he can date the hottest girl in the ward. He thinks he IS in her league. I agree that physical attraction is important...but what I would assert is that physical attractiveNESS ACCORDING TO THE WORLD is not important but being attractED to your partner is important. The messages from the world about what is beautiful are skewed and non-representative of real value. We as Latter-day Saints don't listen to the world about what to drink, or how to live, or what to do on the weekends so why do we let the world tell us what is attractive. It plays directly into Satan's hands to have the message prevalent among LDS singles that attractiveness is the most important factor in a partner. Yes it is important to be attractED to your partner, but it is not the ONLY thing and sometimes attraction comes as you get to know them...and not from staring at someone with your buddies from across a dark room. I'm afraid your article is just giving many guys permission to be shallow (even though I know that was not your intent).
ShareeJune 11, 2013
Way back in my younger days, I absolutely adored a guy in my singles ward that was really not all that good looking, but was intelligent and had personality plus. He dated a great many beautiful women (but not me) and could have married any of them. but he ended up marrying a girl just as homely in appearance as he was. Physical attraction is not necessarily about beauty or handsomeness. It's a soul to soul thing.
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