Singles

Recently I have started to give a lot more thought and attention to the importance of physical attraction in both dating and marriage. It began after a conversation with a close male friend of mine. He is over the age of 30, and would truly like to be married. He dates often. He is smart, charming, incredibly kind, and one of the most spiritual people I know. I consider him to be one of the greatest catches any girl could ever hope to land.

And did I mention good looking? Because he is that too. He’s physically fit, has a bright smile, and has retained most of his hair. Over the years I have tried to set him up with or introduce him to a wide variety of girls. The results are always the same- no spark, but everyone thinks everyone is a great person.

I’ve been looking around for the perfect girl for him. I love to play matchmaker and I’m often looking for just the right match for a lot of people. I asked him what his type is. His answer did not surprise me. He gave me a very noble list of personality attributes. He did mention that he would prefer she also be fit, so that she could do some of the more physical activities he enjoys (biking, running, etc.), but that wasn’t a “must have.”

I pushed him to describe which he prefers- blondes, brunettes, red heads? Curvy? Petite? Tall? Medium? Short? Dimples? Freckles? Anything?? He politely smiled and said none of that mattered.

Now, I haven’t told him this yet (but he’ll probably catch on when he reads this), but I think that is his problem right there. He’s pushed aside the importance of physical attraction. And he’s convinced himself that is a good thing. He’s turned off the physical attraction part of his brain, and convinced himself to consider all women, no matter what they look like.

But he’s flat out wrong!

His lack of emphasis on physical attraction is why he has dated dozens and dozens of really great women that he just can’t seem to get excited about. They all possess wonderful personalities and charms, but he just can’t seem to fall in love with any of them. He doesn’t understand he must be physically attracted, not just mentally engaged.

Physical attraction isn’t just about sex. It is what creates the spark or desire to spend even more time with a person. Cerebral or mental connections are important to a long-lasting relationship, but physical attraction is as well. Plain and simple, a mental connection, shared hobbies, or a mere respect for intellect, will never convince you to sleep next to someone and share a bed with them for the next 50 mortal years. If you don’t like to look at the face you will have to wake up to for the rest of your life, chances are, you won’t ever have to because you won’t make choices that lead you to that outcome.

Scientific Research on the Importance of Physical Attractiveness in Dating Behaviors

Elaine Walster and a team of researchers conducted an experiment at the University of Minnesota of 752 single suitors, and published it back in 1966. (“The Importance of Physical Attractiveness in Dating Behaviors.”) Participants responded to a campus event flyer advertising a “Computer Dance” where individuals would be randomly paired up with a blind date of the opposite sex.  Upon receiving their tickets to the dance, participants filled out a questionnaire regarding basic demographic information and preferences in the opposite sex.

While the participants completed their questionnaires, the researchers rated each participant on a scale of physical attractiveness (1 being “extremely unattractive” to 8 being “extremely attractive”), the average of the four ratings was deemed the participant’s level of physical attraction.  Participants were then given a ticket number that corresponded with their randomly selected date.  

The couples met and mingled at the dance. During the intermission, the men were taken to classrooms where they rated aspects of their partner’s personality (humor, intelligence, charisma etc.) while the women stayed in the dance room and did the same.

The following week, Walster and her team of researchers followed up with their participants to discover whether or not a second date was initiated.  The results? The participants that had the highest average physical attractiveness ratings were the most likely to get second date consideration.

Physical attraction matters.

The Less Scientific, Yet Still “Real” Side

Love it or hate it, there is a reality show called “The Millionaire Matchmaker.” Patti Stanger, the matchmaker, helps millionaires find love. She’s also written a few books on dating and relationships, and has a website us lowly non-millionaires can access. I’ve watched several of her shows to figure out what it is she does that works so well. She has an impressive success rate at setting up two strangers, who quickly fall in love. One of the most important things that she does is she first asks the millionaire (or millionaire-ess) what he is looking for personality-wise, and physically. She takes an evaluation of the person’s emphasis on religion, lifestyle, etc., and adds all of that in as well. She then interviews dozens of women who meet the man’s description of physical attractiveness.

She then introduces the man to about a dozen hand-picked women who meet his physical type. What man wouldn’t love that? A room stocked full of his preferred physical type! In a room full of physically desirable women, all the man has to do is find the one he has the best mental and emotional connection with. The man then gets to interact with the women, be charming, and get to know them. He then picks his favorite(s), and Patti sets up a real date for them. When the man cannot choose between the women, she asks the crude, but effective question, “Which one would you rather go to bed with?” And the man almost never hesitates with an answer. That is always the one she sets him up with.

Her matchmaking success rate is not a mystery. Find what attracts him physically, and a variety of personalities that include the traits he desires, and ta da! It isn’t hard for him to fall in love.

Now, there’s a flipside to this scenario. The male millionaire is often not that attractive. Sometimes he is, sometimes he is not. And yet the women are simply all beautiful. Quite often the couples appear to be a “beauty and the beast” scenario.

Beauty and the Beast

Why do women go out with less attractive men?

Did I mention the show was called, “The MILLIONAIRE Matchmaker?” We can all be honest here. The Beauty goes out with him because he’s a millionaire. And while he is in the mode of impressing her with a fancy date, she is able to overlook his beastly looks, and connect with him emotionally.

Women are much more capable of connecting mentally without physical attraction than men are. It’s a scientific fact. But it is important to remember that he had other traits (ahem, money) that outshone his looks.

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  Women can be wooed successfully with a commendable trait. It doesn’t have to be money, it can be talent, humor, kindness, etc. This isn’t a hard one to prove either. Take a good look at Billy Joel and Mick Jagger,- these are not physically attractive men!! But my gracious they have dated/married/procreated with some of the most beautiful women on the planet!

It’s a fact- women can be wooed by talent and personality.

When is the last time you looked at a couple and asked yourself what an average or sub-par looking woman was doing with such an attractive man? Those scenarios are few and far between. Why? Men need physical attraction. Women need mental connection (and some physical attraction).

Sadly, we are not all millionaires, or rock stars, with the ability to distract the opposite sex from noticing a receding hairline, 40 extra pounds of flesh around our mid-sections, or the fact that Doctor Frankenstein accidentally attached our hands on backwards. Most of us have no choice but to realistically approach the world and hope to be loved as is.

Or do we?

20.000 Leagues

This is where the importance of dating “in our league” comes in. I know people hate to hear it, but it is a fact that dating someone that is our equal on the attractiveness scale helps us find a mate.

I can only offer anecdotal input here, because there is a lack of scientific research into the world of LDS singles. You’ll just have to take my word on it.

In every singles ward across this country there is a sweet, well put together, not exactly beautiful on the outside, girl, pining away for the most attractive man in her ward. We used to call these girls Molly Mormon or sweet spirits. She knows how to put herself together to the best of her ability, and looks her finest each week. But she needs to lose 20, 40, maybe 80 lbs. But she honestly holds on to the hope that Peter Priesthood will see the pureness of her heart and ask her out anyway (after she’s invited him over to dinner 50 times, and made him endless batches of cookies).

Listen, Molly, I feel for you. I really do. I need to lose 30 lbs myself. I get it. I know it is hard. But do yourself a favor. Move on. Accept reality, and accept that men need physical attractiveness first and foremost. Look for the man that is your equal. There is probably a Nick the Nice Guy in your ward right now that you are overlooking. He has noticed that you are an excellent cook and always have perfect hair. But he’s equally a few pounds overweight, has lost a few more hairs than he wants to admit, so you haven’t noticed him while you’ve been plotting and strategizing how to get Peter over there. Look around for the Nicks. They will worship you and your talents forever. Give him a quick makeover, and you just might make Nick into a Peter!

And in every ward, everywhere there is an Eager Edwin. Edwin doesn’t seem to be very aware of his physical appearance. Matching clothes, nose hair trimmers, and the concept of hair styles elude him. He was once told the popular myth that the pretty girls never get asked out. (For the record, this is completely untrue. In every ward I have ever seen, 1% of the girls are doing 90% of the dating. And it is often the prettiest 1%.) Edwin has taken it upon himself to make sure that no pretty girl sits at home alone on a Friday night. It’s okay that he gets rejected on occasion, because he’s heard that some girls like to be pursued, and the rejection is just the start of a good challenge. (Think Mr. Collins from Pride and Prejudice.) He’s friendly and out-going, and no one gets to join the ward without meeting him- especially the females. What he hasn’t noticed while he’s been eagerly pursuing the uninterested Pretty Patty is that Plain Jane thinks he is really amazing for how enthusiastic he is. She just wishes he would be enthusiastic towards her.

Dating is Nothing if Not a Contradiction in Terms

I realize that I have started off this piece with an argument for men needing to think more about physical attraction. And yet have ended it telling them to not just focus on the pretty girls. Dating is nothing if not a contradiction in terms.

I’m not a scientist, psychologist, sociologist, or anthropologist. I’m just a woman with 20 years of experience in LDS singles wards. I just share it as I see it. I want people to date more. I want everyone to be more open-minded about who they will date. I want to see all of my wonderful friends that I see so many admirable traits in, find the perfect spouse and get married tomorrow!

Dating isn’t always fun, and it is full of contradictions. Put your best foot forward with both physical appearance and intelligence. You don’t have to have a master’s degree from MIT in engineering, a fancy car, and perfect teeth to win over most women. Most women will be impressed with thoughtful commentary, hard work, and kindness. Women, you don’t have to be Barbie either. But you do have to put yourself together nicely!

Be realistic and be smart about who you date. Give them something to like- both physically and mentally!

Happy Dating!!

Erin Ann McBride is a writer, dreamer, and dater. By day she is a freelance stock market writer for the Motley Fool, and marketing professional. Just to prove it, she wrote a book on marketing, “Increase e-Book Sales with Social Media Marketing.” By night, she is the author of the romantic novels, “You Heard It Here First,” and the sequel “This Just In!” And somewhere in the middle, she runs the website www.MormonBooksandAuthors.com!

She’s no millionaire-ess, but if you want to stock a room full of attractive, semi-stocky, blond, 30-something year old, men with charming smiles, witty (not corny) humor, and loads of charisma and intelligence, feel free to invite her over sometime.