I too suffered tremendous emotional and sexual abuse from both parents as a child which left me scarred and emotionally disconnected due to the betrayal and everything else that went with it. When I became an adult and was able to physicaly remove myself from the abusers, I started to see that there were other ways life could be to me. Then I married. I had twenty years of marriage in which the first ten were spent dealing with the abuse of my childhood. My husband was terrific in all of this, then when our twentieth anniversary was coming around,I found out he had strong feelings for another woman. The betrayal I felt even if he never actually acted on those feelings put me right back where I was as a child. I have a difficult time seeing through the betrayal that those who should have been the most trustworthy and protective of me. I struggle each day of my life to hope for something better. My husband keeps telling me that I shouldn't have a hard time with what he admitted to because he admitted it, he didn't act on it, and he says he is not going to act on it or anything like it in this life and that I shouldn't feel betrayed because she didn't even know about it. But, I still feel betrayed and as though I have lost everything I had worked my entire adult life to build. It's almost as though I have been living in a false reality for twenty years and have been thrust back into reality that began as a child and all it's pain and loneliness and hopelessness. I try to remember that Christ suffered not just for our sins but also for our heartache and pain but much of the time even that is hard to get my mind to focus on because the pain in my heart is so great.
LUCYAugust 22, 2019
Having experienced childhood abuse also, I recommend EMDR. our emotions and experiences are held in our bodies. One very long session of EMDR released many horrific childhood traumas from my body and soul. I still try to gain the spirituality I see others achieving. I go to the temple and pray to feel the Savior's love. I think as the brain develops in children who are being abused, something is not developed in the spiritual centers of the brain as fully which is why we struggle spiritually. The Savior has his arm extended towards us in love. I lean on Him. I am gaining spiritual insights. Reading the Book of Mormon helps with regaining what I didn't get as a child. There are blessings of healing and celestial love from studying the spiritual concepts in the Book of Mormon.
Sandy ReddishFebruary 28, 2019
I would stay away from tapping, energy work, Reiki, foot zoning and any form of alternative therapy approach. Many of these actually incorporate occult religions from other parts of the world and many Christians are sounding the alarm. Elder Ballard discussed energy work and the churches position in his conference talk The Trek Continues. These types of practices invite demonic forces into your life, not healing. Satan has great power and can deceive us. I know this because I participated in them and was blinded spiritually for several months. I know this from personal experience. WE CAN BE DECEIVED. I was even referred to these therapies by an LDS Bishop who was my health provider and licensed. I would stay away from any of these kinds of sources. For more info visit the Facebook page: LDS Energy Healing/Emotion Code Exposed. Thank you.
MichaelFebruary 25, 2019
Oh my gracious mercy, this is me, 100%
For whatever it is worth to you, I know exactly what you mean, and I know how you feel, and I struggle with the same things.
I've found that it's not always about the "results" of the choice, but about making the choice itself, whether because of or in spite of the situation.
That quiet defiance, that choosing the light even when surrounded by darkness, is a noble thing.
JocelynFebruary 25, 2019
I would like to testify of the healing effects of "Tapping" or EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique. It involves tapping acupressure points while talking through difficulties to "teach" the amygdala in your brain to feel safe. You can find free introductions on YouTube with Nick Ortner, or find a licensed therapist who has incorporated tapping into their practice. It works!!
AmyFebruary 24, 2019
I could not access the link Wendy Ulrich’s article, “Rites of Passage"
Is there another way to read it?
DonnaFebruary 24, 2019
May I kindly suggest listening to Julie Rowe's podcasts? She has many, just start with the ones that interest you. Last night I was listening to "Repentance" and "Abuse". She has info you will be happy to hear. And BTW, I would have to put myself in the childhood trauma camp too. I understand totally what you are communicating. Kudos for "enduring".
The Letter WriterFebruary 22, 2019
Thank you so much for such a thoughtful and compassionate reply! I will definitely look into your suggestions. And thank you to those who left suggestions in the comments! I feel very supported and not judged about a situation that has been so difficult.
Rochelle HaleFebruary 22, 2019
My childhood was not easy, first with my parents divorcing followed by my mother remarrying to a man who had difficulties in many areas of his life. Coincidentally, he and I joined the church at the same time (through the influence of friends and relatives). The Gospel became my beacon and my rock, and Sunday and weekly meetings gave me something to look forward to away from our difficult home life. My stepfather did not remain active. Perhaps my faith and trust in the Lord were much stronger than I realized in my teen years. Even today, some of my siblings hold much resentment and grudges whenever something from our past is brought up. I have always tried to move forward and not let our past define me. That has allowed me to develop myself intellectually, spiritually, and in other ways. In addition, I have tried to gain a better understanding of the principle of forgiveness. Heavenly Father truly knows each of us, and He knows all that my parents were dealing with and why they did or didn't do certain things. Nevertheless, they are His children also, and He will be the ultimate judge.
please withholdFebruary 22, 2019
I too experienced childhood trauma. Over the years I have done individual counseling, as well as an informal group therapy. I have worked to implement teachings of the prophets in my life, to forgive my abuser, to be humble, to trust in the Lord (and His timing), etc. I have had priesthood blessings aplenty, and some remarkable experiences have come from them.
I have learned to love that hurt child. To have compassion for that little child who struggled just to stay afloat. Give yourself credit for staying afloat!!!!! That’s a big deal!
While I have made progress – it very much has been a work in progress over many decades. Drop by precious drop. I would grow weary of hearing advice from the well-meaning, but clueless, about reading this or that conference talk, etc. These are people who would never suggest someone with a broken bone read a conference talk to “get over it”, but to seek out competent and appropriate medical treatment. We have wounded souls. I believe combining Heavenly Father’s blessings and guidance, with competent treatment – can lead to permanent healing. In this life.
As I learned how chronic health conditions in middle age can be directly linked to childhood trauma -I again sought out professional help. I was formally diagnosed with childhood/complex-PTSD. As I have been learning about cptsd, childhood emotional neglect, and narcissistic abuse – it has been very eye opening. Studies have demonstrated that adding multiple types of abuse in childhood together – isn’t “just” addition – it’s a high order geometric progression in damage. Things I still struggled with decades after the abuse happened – started to make sense.
A child is easily overwhelmed by emotion – and those emotions are stored in the amygdala. One of the most primitive parts of the brain. It is supposed to process emotion and let it go, but if it is overwhelmed – it can’t keep up and stores it instead.
There is help. I’m currently doing EMDR therapy, because that is the “competent and appropriate medical care” Heavenly Father led me to do. And priesthood blessings. One of my earliest sessions – we went into how I was made to feel worthless, to how any time I started to think anything good about myself – I would be trashed. Through the EMDR, I was able to allow the emotions to be felt, and processed. To be released so they need not be felt, or hinder me, any more. Counterintuitively – I learned the longer I could hold onto the emotion in a session – the more would be processed out of the amygdala – where it has been sitting, as an infection, for many decades. It was as if I broke through a very real barrier – and came out on the other side with the sure knowledge – I am a daughter of God, and He loves me. And I am worthy.
You are worthy, and Heavenly Father is mindful of you. I have learned many things from these experiences. They’ve been excruciatingly painful – but I have gained much. Not least is the sure knowledge of the tender mercies of The Lord. As we trust in Heavenly Father, He will lead us on the path to healing (finding that path can be tricky), nevertheless - All these things shall give (us) experience, and be for (our) good.
Therapist's SpouseFebruary 22, 2019
Thank you for this excellent reply. Your reply is exactly how my wife found her way though this same minefield of emotions and doubts.
May I add another treatment option to the ones suggested? I have seen Trauma Conversion Therapy (TCT) work wonders in persons such as the writer of this letter. My wife, now an LCSW, sees more success with it among abuse survivors than most any other treatment, although everyone is different and treatments work according to how the client reacts to the treatment. If there is a therapist near this letter writer, they might learn about this treatment and try it -- while also doing the things this answer suggests! (https://www.tctworks.com/certified-tct-therapists.html)
AshleyFebruary 22, 2019
In addition to the resources by Wendy Ulrich listed, I would add her wonderful book "Let God Love You." It was incredibly helpful to me after dealing with post-partum depression after my third child. While not in the same trauma boat as the letter writer, I felt similarly. I knew intellectually that God loved and cared for me but had a hard time feeling that love. I credit that book with helping me toward better mental and spiritual health.
Comments | Return to Story
SarahFebruary 20, 2020
I too suffered tremendous emotional and sexual abuse from both parents as a child which left me scarred and emotionally disconnected due to the betrayal and everything else that went with it. When I became an adult and was able to physicaly remove myself from the abusers, I started to see that there were other ways life could be to me. Then I married. I had twenty years of marriage in which the first ten were spent dealing with the abuse of my childhood. My husband was terrific in all of this, then when our twentieth anniversary was coming around,I found out he had strong feelings for another woman. The betrayal I felt even if he never actually acted on those feelings put me right back where I was as a child. I have a difficult time seeing through the betrayal that those who should have been the most trustworthy and protective of me. I struggle each day of my life to hope for something better. My husband keeps telling me that I shouldn't have a hard time with what he admitted to because he admitted it, he didn't act on it, and he says he is not going to act on it or anything like it in this life and that I shouldn't feel betrayed because she didn't even know about it. But, I still feel betrayed and as though I have lost everything I had worked my entire adult life to build. It's almost as though I have been living in a false reality for twenty years and have been thrust back into reality that began as a child and all it's pain and loneliness and hopelessness. I try to remember that Christ suffered not just for our sins but also for our heartache and pain but much of the time even that is hard to get my mind to focus on because the pain in my heart is so great.
LUCYAugust 22, 2019
Having experienced childhood abuse also, I recommend EMDR. our emotions and experiences are held in our bodies. One very long session of EMDR released many horrific childhood traumas from my body and soul. I still try to gain the spirituality I see others achieving. I go to the temple and pray to feel the Savior's love. I think as the brain develops in children who are being abused, something is not developed in the spiritual centers of the brain as fully which is why we struggle spiritually. The Savior has his arm extended towards us in love. I lean on Him. I am gaining spiritual insights. Reading the Book of Mormon helps with regaining what I didn't get as a child. There are blessings of healing and celestial love from studying the spiritual concepts in the Book of Mormon.
Sandy ReddishFebruary 28, 2019
I would stay away from tapping, energy work, Reiki, foot zoning and any form of alternative therapy approach. Many of these actually incorporate occult religions from other parts of the world and many Christians are sounding the alarm. Elder Ballard discussed energy work and the churches position in his conference talk The Trek Continues. These types of practices invite demonic forces into your life, not healing. Satan has great power and can deceive us. I know this because I participated in them and was blinded spiritually for several months. I know this from personal experience. WE CAN BE DECEIVED. I was even referred to these therapies by an LDS Bishop who was my health provider and licensed. I would stay away from any of these kinds of sources. For more info visit the Facebook page: LDS Energy Healing/Emotion Code Exposed. Thank you.
MichaelFebruary 25, 2019
Oh my gracious mercy, this is me, 100% For whatever it is worth to you, I know exactly what you mean, and I know how you feel, and I struggle with the same things. I've found that it's not always about the "results" of the choice, but about making the choice itself, whether because of or in spite of the situation. That quiet defiance, that choosing the light even when surrounded by darkness, is a noble thing.
JocelynFebruary 25, 2019
I would like to testify of the healing effects of "Tapping" or EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique. It involves tapping acupressure points while talking through difficulties to "teach" the amygdala in your brain to feel safe. You can find free introductions on YouTube with Nick Ortner, or find a licensed therapist who has incorporated tapping into their practice. It works!!
AmyFebruary 24, 2019
I could not access the link Wendy Ulrich’s article, “Rites of Passage" Is there another way to read it?
DonnaFebruary 24, 2019
May I kindly suggest listening to Julie Rowe's podcasts? She has many, just start with the ones that interest you. Last night I was listening to "Repentance" and "Abuse". She has info you will be happy to hear. And BTW, I would have to put myself in the childhood trauma camp too. I understand totally what you are communicating. Kudos for "enduring".
The Letter WriterFebruary 22, 2019
Thank you so much for such a thoughtful and compassionate reply! I will definitely look into your suggestions. And thank you to those who left suggestions in the comments! I feel very supported and not judged about a situation that has been so difficult.
Rochelle HaleFebruary 22, 2019
My childhood was not easy, first with my parents divorcing followed by my mother remarrying to a man who had difficulties in many areas of his life. Coincidentally, he and I joined the church at the same time (through the influence of friends and relatives). The Gospel became my beacon and my rock, and Sunday and weekly meetings gave me something to look forward to away from our difficult home life. My stepfather did not remain active. Perhaps my faith and trust in the Lord were much stronger than I realized in my teen years. Even today, some of my siblings hold much resentment and grudges whenever something from our past is brought up. I have always tried to move forward and not let our past define me. That has allowed me to develop myself intellectually, spiritually, and in other ways. In addition, I have tried to gain a better understanding of the principle of forgiveness. Heavenly Father truly knows each of us, and He knows all that my parents were dealing with and why they did or didn't do certain things. Nevertheless, they are His children also, and He will be the ultimate judge.
please withholdFebruary 22, 2019
I too experienced childhood trauma. Over the years I have done individual counseling, as well as an informal group therapy. I have worked to implement teachings of the prophets in my life, to forgive my abuser, to be humble, to trust in the Lord (and His timing), etc. I have had priesthood blessings aplenty, and some remarkable experiences have come from them. I have learned to love that hurt child. To have compassion for that little child who struggled just to stay afloat. Give yourself credit for staying afloat!!!!! That’s a big deal! While I have made progress – it very much has been a work in progress over many decades. Drop by precious drop. I would grow weary of hearing advice from the well-meaning, but clueless, about reading this or that conference talk, etc. These are people who would never suggest someone with a broken bone read a conference talk to “get over it”, but to seek out competent and appropriate medical treatment. We have wounded souls. I believe combining Heavenly Father’s blessings and guidance, with competent treatment – can lead to permanent healing. In this life. As I learned how chronic health conditions in middle age can be directly linked to childhood trauma -I again sought out professional help. I was formally diagnosed with childhood/complex-PTSD. As I have been learning about cptsd, childhood emotional neglect, and narcissistic abuse – it has been very eye opening. Studies have demonstrated that adding multiple types of abuse in childhood together – isn’t “just” addition – it’s a high order geometric progression in damage. Things I still struggled with decades after the abuse happened – started to make sense. A child is easily overwhelmed by emotion – and those emotions are stored in the amygdala. One of the most primitive parts of the brain. It is supposed to process emotion and let it go, but if it is overwhelmed – it can’t keep up and stores it instead. There is help. I’m currently doing EMDR therapy, because that is the “competent and appropriate medical care” Heavenly Father led me to do. And priesthood blessings. One of my earliest sessions – we went into how I was made to feel worthless, to how any time I started to think anything good about myself – I would be trashed. Through the EMDR, I was able to allow the emotions to be felt, and processed. To be released so they need not be felt, or hinder me, any more. Counterintuitively – I learned the longer I could hold onto the emotion in a session – the more would be processed out of the amygdala – where it has been sitting, as an infection, for many decades. It was as if I broke through a very real barrier – and came out on the other side with the sure knowledge – I am a daughter of God, and He loves me. And I am worthy. You are worthy, and Heavenly Father is mindful of you. I have learned many things from these experiences. They’ve been excruciatingly painful – but I have gained much. Not least is the sure knowledge of the tender mercies of The Lord. As we trust in Heavenly Father, He will lead us on the path to healing (finding that path can be tricky), nevertheless - All these things shall give (us) experience, and be for (our) good.
Therapist's SpouseFebruary 22, 2019
Thank you for this excellent reply. Your reply is exactly how my wife found her way though this same minefield of emotions and doubts. May I add another treatment option to the ones suggested? I have seen Trauma Conversion Therapy (TCT) work wonders in persons such as the writer of this letter. My wife, now an LCSW, sees more success with it among abuse survivors than most any other treatment, although everyone is different and treatments work according to how the client reacts to the treatment. If there is a therapist near this letter writer, they might learn about this treatment and try it -- while also doing the things this answer suggests! (https://www.tctworks.com/certified-tct-therapists.html)
AshleyFebruary 22, 2019
In addition to the resources by Wendy Ulrich listed, I would add her wonderful book "Let God Love You." It was incredibly helpful to me after dealing with post-partum depression after my third child. While not in the same trauma boat as the letter writer, I felt similarly. I knew intellectually that God loved and cared for me but had a hard time feeling that love. I credit that book with helping me toward better mental and spiritual health.
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