My wife loves to have me drive. Part of that is probably because I express my appreciation to her when she when she brings something to my attention. I respond with a sincere "thank you" when she points out a pedestrian, someone on a bicycle, that there are brake lights coming on ahead and I had better slow down, etc. On rare occasions, she will blurt out "Honey! Honey! Honey! Honey!" and I immediately become alert to any danger in the vicinity. She always apologies for getting excited, but I assure her I would rather have a frantic warning than have an accident.
Lynnette WalkerOctober 9, 2017
My husband is partially paralysed but driving was his 'thing'. He didn't listen to me that the driving was getting worse until one of the children, who had recently passed a driving test asked me, in his hearing, to not let him drive because he was dangerous. So I did all the driving. When he applied for a renewal of his disabled parking permit the doctor refused to certify that he could drive. His license was taken. So much easier now
KrisOctober 8, 2017
I am quite sure that my husband's driving after 60 years together has contributed to my bad heart and other health problems. To be constantly upset in the car is not healthy. His bad driving is real and validated.
Dave HallOctober 7, 2017
Whether the wife is too cautious or not, I do believe the husband should be showing deference to her feelings. But she will get more deference to her feelings by approaching them with a loving spirit rather than fighting.
She says, "our biggest fights are over his driving." So this couple has a other fights, too. If that is the chemistry of this relationship, I would suggest to her a different approach. Look for things to compliment her husband on, and I bet he will be more responsive to your feelings.
MicheleOctober 7, 2017
Having been in the counseling field and as one who also always looks forward to Geoff's column, it's clear the questions as we read them may have been edited at times, if only for space. The writer, in my view, gets to have their perceptions validated.
I also know too many women who are uncomfortable with their husbands' driving, and one who refused to ride with hers for the same reason-he wouldn't hear her. For me, communication is paramount in a close relationship. A family member by marriage will even make the gap smaller when informed of passenger discomfort, and the person commenting was not his wife. And of course, we've all heard tales of soccer moms' driving. My own husband spent a period of time, with me in the vehicle, driving in this aggressive fashion, which surprised me: as a motorcycle driver, he had always refrained from power struggles on the road, not merely demonstrated caution. He listened, because I'm more important to him than closing that gap.
We also live in a busy city where people tend to fill up the space in front if you leave too much. Having to slam on the breaks once in a while is not the same as constantly riding a car's bumper.
Judith La MontagneOctober 6, 2017
Lynn, I think you need to understand that a person who has been traumatized by a traffic accident in the past has a right to feel nervous if she feels unsafe. It's no different than PTSD after any unfortunate event. I think your judgment is a bit challenging. I was also married at one time to a man who drove unsafely. I was not the only one who thought so. But he didn't listen to those who tried to help him. I feel that anytime someone feels unsafe with something we are doing, we need to evaluate our behavior and show love to that person by helping them feel safe when they are with us. So what if someone gets ahead of us in a lane.
KentOctober 6, 2017
Something that has helped me relax when riding with someone that makes me uncomfortable is to #1 realize that the odds, even with a bad driver, are a million-to-one that you will be in an accident. And with that in mind I #2 look out the side window and enjoy the scenery. #3 If you must make a comment about his or her driving make it in a lite-hearted, teasing way followed by a chuckle.
Lynn HigginsonOctober 6, 2017
You assume that the lady's complaint is legitimate. It may be that she is the victim of some past trauma that has caused her to be overly fearful. She complains that her husband has had to hit the brakes to avoid hitting the car in front of them. What driver hasn't? She doesn't complain about rear-ending cars ahead of them, nor of other crashes caused by his carelessness. In Utah's rush-hour freeway traffic, if you leave space ahead of you, land-changing drivers will constantly fill it up. Falling back every time makes you an obstruction to traffic flow. Don't assume she is right. She sounds like a nervous Nellie, and a nag.
JimOctober 6, 2017
I always look forward to Friday to read the family question of the day. Geoff always has helpful advice and direction. I am surprised at times how quickly he accepts the writer's one sided version of the story. As in this case, it seems to me that the first question should have been- Having admitted that you are an overly cautious person, do you find yourself fearful and paranoid in other situations to the point of not involving yourself in the activity?
Comments | Return to Story
HalOctober 10, 2017
My wife loves to have me drive. Part of that is probably because I express my appreciation to her when she when she brings something to my attention. I respond with a sincere "thank you" when she points out a pedestrian, someone on a bicycle, that there are brake lights coming on ahead and I had better slow down, etc. On rare occasions, she will blurt out "Honey! Honey! Honey! Honey!" and I immediately become alert to any danger in the vicinity. She always apologies for getting excited, but I assure her I would rather have a frantic warning than have an accident.
Lynnette WalkerOctober 9, 2017
My husband is partially paralysed but driving was his 'thing'. He didn't listen to me that the driving was getting worse until one of the children, who had recently passed a driving test asked me, in his hearing, to not let him drive because he was dangerous. So I did all the driving. When he applied for a renewal of his disabled parking permit the doctor refused to certify that he could drive. His license was taken. So much easier now
KrisOctober 8, 2017
I am quite sure that my husband's driving after 60 years together has contributed to my bad heart and other health problems. To be constantly upset in the car is not healthy. His bad driving is real and validated.
Dave HallOctober 7, 2017
Whether the wife is too cautious or not, I do believe the husband should be showing deference to her feelings. But she will get more deference to her feelings by approaching them with a loving spirit rather than fighting. She says, "our biggest fights are over his driving." So this couple has a other fights, too. If that is the chemistry of this relationship, I would suggest to her a different approach. Look for things to compliment her husband on, and I bet he will be more responsive to your feelings.
MicheleOctober 7, 2017
Having been in the counseling field and as one who also always looks forward to Geoff's column, it's clear the questions as we read them may have been edited at times, if only for space. The writer, in my view, gets to have their perceptions validated. I also know too many women who are uncomfortable with their husbands' driving, and one who refused to ride with hers for the same reason-he wouldn't hear her. For me, communication is paramount in a close relationship. A family member by marriage will even make the gap smaller when informed of passenger discomfort, and the person commenting was not his wife. And of course, we've all heard tales of soccer moms' driving. My own husband spent a period of time, with me in the vehicle, driving in this aggressive fashion, which surprised me: as a motorcycle driver, he had always refrained from power struggles on the road, not merely demonstrated caution. He listened, because I'm more important to him than closing that gap. We also live in a busy city where people tend to fill up the space in front if you leave too much. Having to slam on the breaks once in a while is not the same as constantly riding a car's bumper.
Judith La MontagneOctober 6, 2017
Lynn, I think you need to understand that a person who has been traumatized by a traffic accident in the past has a right to feel nervous if she feels unsafe. It's no different than PTSD after any unfortunate event. I think your judgment is a bit challenging. I was also married at one time to a man who drove unsafely. I was not the only one who thought so. But he didn't listen to those who tried to help him. I feel that anytime someone feels unsafe with something we are doing, we need to evaluate our behavior and show love to that person by helping them feel safe when they are with us. So what if someone gets ahead of us in a lane.
KentOctober 6, 2017
Something that has helped me relax when riding with someone that makes me uncomfortable is to #1 realize that the odds, even with a bad driver, are a million-to-one that you will be in an accident. And with that in mind I #2 look out the side window and enjoy the scenery. #3 If you must make a comment about his or her driving make it in a lite-hearted, teasing way followed by a chuckle.
Lynn HigginsonOctober 6, 2017
You assume that the lady's complaint is legitimate. It may be that she is the victim of some past trauma that has caused her to be overly fearful. She complains that her husband has had to hit the brakes to avoid hitting the car in front of them. What driver hasn't? She doesn't complain about rear-ending cars ahead of them, nor of other crashes caused by his carelessness. In Utah's rush-hour freeway traffic, if you leave space ahead of you, land-changing drivers will constantly fill it up. Falling back every time makes you an obstruction to traffic flow. Don't assume she is right. She sounds like a nervous Nellie, and a nag.
JimOctober 6, 2017
I always look forward to Friday to read the family question of the day. Geoff always has helpful advice and direction. I am surprised at times how quickly he accepts the writer's one sided version of the story. As in this case, it seems to me that the first question should have been- Having admitted that you are an overly cautious person, do you find yourself fearful and paranoid in other situations to the point of not involving yourself in the activity?
ADD A COMMENT